Do we ruin relationships with low self esteem?

I am lying in bed with the laptop at the end of a very busy day. I have a little packet of chocolate buttons that I remembered were under the bed after I pinched one of the childrens' Easter eggs - the actual egg is long gone but the little packet (15 delicious buttons) were unopened and begging not to be forgotten any longer. I am eating them very slowly by melting each one individually on my tongue so that they last - and I don't feel at all guilty because I've earned them. An apple will not do the trick on this occasion.

Anyway, it's Serious Subject Sunday and I have been mulling this one over all week. I am divorced (twice actually but the first one was when I was still fairly slim and had relatively normal self esteem) and do feel, looking back, that my lack of self esteem certainly didn't help my second marriage. When we met I was about 11 stone and, by the time we separated about 8 years later, I was nearer 16 stone. It crept on with both of the children but ballooned, as I have said before, when we bought the shop.

In my experience, as weight creeps up, confidence dips (then nose dives) and slowly but surely, you are making excuses for not going for a walk/swimming/tennis and, more damagingly, you start to make excuses not to go out at night - it is so much easier to stay in watching the television (snacking) than it is to admit that you have nothing to wear or that nothing fits you anymore. Before you know where you are, you are doing less and less as a couple, which is a slippery slope.

My ex husband was always very positive about my appearance and figure - it was me that sneered at myself and put myself down. If he, or anyone for that matter, said I looked nice, I would make some self deprecating, cutting remark back - it must be quite soul destroying to have such negative responses all the time. Eventually I suppose they just stop bothering. I remember flying off the handle at my ex one night when I had said that I was starting yet another diet and this time it was really going to work and that I would appreciate his support. Probably the same evening, after a stressful, tiring day, I did my usual "Oh sod it" and got a slice of pudding from the shop (we lived above it). He carefully pointed out that what was the point of saying I was going on a diet if I was going to eat pudding. I was furious, tearful and hurt - all directed at him but really it was at myself.

The louder the anger, the closer the nerve they have hit.

Now don't get me wrong. I have friends whose partners are very judgemental when it comes to their size (I often think they should try a little look in the mirror to discover they aren't quite the young Adonis they once were either) and it infuriates me. If you are overweight, you do quite enough self flagellation without anyone else putting in their two penny's worth!

I just think that if you gain a few pounds, don't try squeezing into clothes that no longer fit but buy something in which you look as good as you can do and enjoy it becoming too big as you get back into your old clothes. Continue to go out and make an effort. You can't diet for anyone but yourself and, if you are not "in the zone" no amount of deprecation is going to kick start you but, it is no-one elses fault either so try not to take your own frustrations out on them.

Just a little note from my own experience. If it's a load of rubbish, just ignore it.

I am signing out for two days I'm afraid as I have two huge (18hours each) days at work tomorrow and Tuesday. I'll be back on Wednesday, hopefully with a bit more off the block.

E xx
PS Bev, you looked as lovely as ever on Thursday so concentrate on getting the back better and don't worry about the rest
PPS Friend of Bev's who loves the blog - thank you for your kind comments - unfortunately I pressed "delete" instead of "publish" - I was very grateful honestly!