Off to Cornwall

14st 3lb. I do believe I am now 2lb less than when I last went to Cornwall eons ago! Never mind, at least I'm not more. I have packed up a picnic for the journey - a ham sandwich, an apple, a banana and some sesame snacks. I have bought goodies for the girls but only 2 of each so that it would be "not fair" if I ate one. We shall sing along to CD's. I am looking forward to seeing my Mum again and hopefully exercising her dog with some invigorating walks by the sea.

Another day with nothing in the diary. I wrote a list as long as my arm to do and left "Blog" until last as my treat. I have had a busy day and have achieved alot - I am going away with a fairly tidy house for once, washing ironed and put away, car tidied out (only because I have to lend it to my sister in law while I borrow hers) and some baking done for Bruce whilst I'm away.

Anyway, I know I've always been against faddy diets (in fact you could be forgiven for wondering what diet I actually follow!) but there have been a couple of articles in the paper recently, one of which made my ears prick up as a possibility. The first one, which isn't for me but has some valid philosophies, is the Jesus diet - spiritual dieting is apparently gaining converts with groups being held in churches around the UK. Surprise, surprise - it's come over from America. Over the water, the groups are called, Weigh down, Thin Within, The Hallelujah Diet, The God Diet, etc but over here we need to be a bit more subtle apparently and the groups are called Fit for Life Forever. It works on the principle that, to tackle weight issues you need to address the root causes such as unresolved pain and low self esteem. As we have discussed previously, there is alot to be said for that. I love the bluntness of one comment: "No more blaming genetics, the food content or stress for our weight gain. The main reason for being over weight is overeating." Say it as it is! Anyway, Jesus would have lived on nuts, lentils, vegetables, beans, bread, water and red wine - a mediterranean diet effectively but with meat on only very rare occasions. So, lots of wind and hunger. Not for me.

However, the one that caught my eye is the feast/famine diet where you eat what you like one day and eat sparingly the following and then alternate. Now, on closer inspection the "eat what you like" day doesn't exactly advocate steak & chips followed by rich chocolate mousse and a cheeseboard, but it does allow more flexibility than a usual diet. The famine day would be tougher as you need to eat between 20% and 30% of the recommended intake to lose weight. This diet is supposed to have had fantastic results for asthma suffers in particular but it also lowers blood sugar levels, improves mental health and a low calorie diet extends life expectancy. Win. Win. The trial was done on 16 patients all over 14stone - they ate 20% of their normal intake one day and a normal healthy diet the next over a 10 week period. They all lost between 10lb and 30lb, far higher than expected.

The reason I think this could work for me is that, even if you are hungry one day, you know you are going to be able to eat normally the following day. Even over Christmas, if you time it to hit Christmas day, you can have a good scoff on the day and be abstemious on Boxing Day. I am sure a little tuck in to the Celebrations on Christmas Day could be allowed. Anyway, I am going to be the guinea pig and, starting Monday, I am going to alternate days - starting with the pig-out (kidding!).

In the meantime, I have some strict cliff walks to complete if I am to get near my being down to 14stone target for November by Tuesday!

Away until Monday, when I will be back I promise - no skiving off or avoiding anyone!

E xx

Better day

By 8 o'clock this morning I had the house all to myself. His nibs and Lucy off shooting and the girls off to school. So, leisurely half hour over breakfast (2 Weetabix), then got dressed and thoroughly cleaned the bathroom before flexing the fingers and settling down to write.

I tackled the last chapter for the book which I have been avoiding like the plague - only because it is less familiar than recipes and therefore, required more concentration. Anyway, by lunchtime I had completed the task to a satisfactory level and the sense of relief was great. I had a bowl of spaghetti hoops over the papers and then thoroughly hoovered the stairs and landing, a job which I am sure I have mentioned, I absolutely hate! I got rid of every cobweb and little spider thinking of hatching one. Good job done.

I had liver and onions with oven baked tomatoes for supper followed by melon. Every time I considered exercise I listened to the battering wind and rain splattering on the windows and thought better of it - perhaps it would have been different if Lucy had been making eyes at me.

Tomorrow I will write properly about a couple of subjects that have come up in the papers recently. Then I have the long drive to Cornwall - with a tank full of diesel and a prepacked supper - no naughties!

Thanks for all your lovely comments. It's encouraging to know you are still there!

Exx

Ok, Ok - I've been avoiding you!

14st 5lb. Yes, I did return from Derbyshire on Saturday but have avoided you ever since. The reason is at the start. I am so disappointed in myself and have been so down right miserable that I haven't wanted to pick up the laptop and talk.

So, back a week. Off to Derbyshire on a windy, wet morning with the Dale in full, incredible flood. However, we were in fairly high spirits and happy to tackle the elements. We were in no hurry to get anywhere so stopped for coffee en route - I had a cappuccino (working on the probably misguided principle that it is less harmful than a latte) and no accompanying biscuit or scone. Then I challenged his nib's attire and suggested popping in to Meadowhall to get a new outfit. Not happy. He bought a pair of new trousers, a shirt and a new jumper to go to Paris - why does he need anything new? I point out that Paris was 3 years ago and he looks scruffy. Matters do not improve when we get in, select a jumper and shirt and realise that it is the first day of the Debenhams sale and the queue is ridiculous. I stood my ground thinking that, as it is the nearest he has been to a till in 3 years, we will stick it out. I won. We met a lovely couple in the queue who live near Chatsworth - they give a recommendation for the best restaurant in the area, which I tucked away for later digestion.

We went out for lunch in Sheffield and, again, I was good and only had a bowl of soup. We had a lovely hour or so at Weston Park museum (highly recommended if you have children) and then found the hotel. It was perfectly adequate, very clean, well situated near the Ladybower reservoir and had a good pub menu for dinner (I had salmon -still good). There were some good shortish walks which we did every morning before breakfast. We met a lovely couple over dinner who recommended two really good museums in which to really find out about Sheffield's industrial heritage (such a coincidence - the chap's favourite programme is "How it's made" aswell - I was thrilled!). On Thursday we went to Chatsworth (soup again in the farm shop restaurant) and booked to go for dinner at the recommended East Lodge in Rowsley. Unbeknown to his nibs, I had packed a wrap dress that I haven't worn since I was slim. I decided to take the plunge and surprise him so I faffed around in the bathroom doing hair, make up, underwear, etc and then slipped on the dress with vertiginous heels - and was not unhappy with what I saw in the mirror. He was delighted and very flattering (I wondered if we would make dinner). All in all, Ms Sexy Slinky Slimming Woman was ready for dinner with the newly Mr Sprucie Brucie in his new outfit. As I turned to walk out of the door, he says, "Do you know you've got a big ladder up the back of your tights?" Bugger. Bugger. Bugger.

I wore jeans (with a lovely top). We had a wonderful meal and a really romantic, lovely evening.

On Friday we went in search of museums but, sadly, they were both closed. Sheffield's Industrial Heritage will have to wait.

On Saturday, we set off home via Harrogate and Jack Wills - I swear that shop is full of bewildered mothers wondering how on earth they are being persuaded to part with so much money for so little.

On Sunday, I had promised to take my two youngest Christmas shopping but, as I have no more money, I let them go off on their own whilst I dawdled round Sainsbury's buying essentials and feeling the descendence of the cloud of gloom. There is nothing more depressing than shopping when you have no money. The little grey cloud has been hovering over my head ever since with its incessant misery shrouding me. My head - I am a failure/can't even stick to a diet/can't think of what to do with my life/"16 years ago you had a house, car that worked, good job"/thrown it all away - doom, doom and more doom. Not even the thought that I should be grateful I don't live in Workington/Cockermouth/Keswick has jerked me out of the mood.

However, light at the end of the tunnel! You lot! Lovely messages & emails. Support. Tips. Websites. Other blogs. You are great! I can't stop now and sink back to where I was. I must get back - again!

I have to sort my life out (which really means my work life and, therefore, my financial well being). Just wish I knew where to start.

Two days of cleaning, writing (I will do the last chapter of the book and remove that little niggle) and sorting out paperwork. I will walk again - it seems like forever since I had a good walk (it isn't - it just feels like it). Then, I'm off to Cornwall to see Mum and Gran on Thursday night so the cliffs beckon.

Thanks everyone!

E xx

I'm really fed up

14st 3lb. I would have to say that if I wasn't writing this blog, I would definitely have given up by now. I do not know what more I can do to lose weight. I have never in my life so constantly thought about dieting, exercise and general well being and made such slow progress. To say that I am pee'd off is an understatement. Ironically, at least 4 people commented on how much weight I've lost - I think the fairies are playing some cruel tricks.

Now my worry is that I am going away tomorrow to Derbyshire until Saturday and am bound to do some damage by the time I get back, even if I "behave".

Last month, in the middle of the lamb sales, his nibs suggested we book a city break for November. Last year we went to Copenhagen (fantastic), the year before, Bruges (excellent) and our first year together we went to Paris (he loved it, I hadn't got used to holidaying with him - it takes a bit of getting used to!). Anyway, the middle of lamb sales = exhaustion = "haven't got the energy to hang around an airport and traipse round a city just for a few days break" = "I just want log fires, long walks, pub lunches and a good book" = Derbyshire. Now, of course, all I want to do is go to Prague/Vienna/Rome. We are going to Ladybower Lake. It is a dreadful forecast - Met office warning for gales, heavy rain, etc, for the rest of the working week. He doesn't read. He doesn't like walking ("never stop walking when I'm farming" - true). He doesn't like "posh" hotels. He doesn't like fancy food. He's not good on shopping. He wants a museum that charts the history of steel manufacture in Sheffield - it may seem strange, but I don't.

Tonight he asked what time we were leaving. I was taking the ironing upstairs at the time and shouted, "The flight leaves at 10:50 from Leeds/Bradford so I suppose we'd better leave by 7" - look on the screen. I had left the computer on "Lastminute.com/citybreaks/prague". Hummm.

We are going to Derbyshire. IT WILL BE FUN. We are leaving at 9am to go to the Weston Park Museum in Sheffield (I've agreed to get it out of his system) and we'll take it from there.

I need to add here that his nibs is a truly lovely person and I love going away with him - he just has rather more basic ideas of a good break than me.

I will cheer up and not be a grumpy partner.

A few days off from my tediously slow progress. Back on Saturday. If I'm back up at all, I'll lie.

E xx

Riding high!

I am still in a very good, positive mood - two days running, this is worrying! You may notice that there is no weight today. This is for two reasons. The first is that I overindulged on Saturday with Christmas dinner and worse, pudding with rum sauce so I thought one more day of pure food would be more hopeful for the scales. The second is that I was glancing back through some old posts yesterday and noticed that I originally said I was going for the scales on Tuesdays and Fridays - therefore I am fully justified in delaying a day.

If ever I have deserved a weight loss, it is today. Having worked this morning, I came home at lunchtime and made gorgeous cheesey mushroom bake with toast for his nibs whilst only eating spaghetti hoops myself (I was in a hurry and I do have a bit of a weakness for them - and they are low in fat and calories). Then I took a look at the slate-grey sky threatening rain and the lure of the computer was powerful. However, I thought, "No! Get changed and get out there." I was a force to be reckoned with and, ten minutes later, a rather shocked (and slightly reluctant) Lucy and I set off up the gill on the long walk along Skelgill. During the walk, the slate-grey sky delivered its promised rain on the back of a very strong and icy wind. My ears were singing and I was freezing. However, I walked briskly, jogged enthusiastically and felt thoroughly pleased with myself. Half way round I had a cup of tea at a friend's house who, buoyed by my enthusiasm, joined me for the second half of the route (she has lost two and a half stone in the past 6 months!). All in all, an excellent, invigorating afternoon (with a good gossip thrown in).

I am now, rather guiltily, sitting in bed cocooned in the duvet, being gently warmed by the electric blanket, cup of tea to hand and laptop on knees. I think the bright red, cheetah-like markings all over my legs may have gone after an hour of warmth and peace. Worth the walk.

After yoghurt & muesli, spaghetti and salmon & spinach for tea, combined with exercise in extreme weather conditions, I am certainly deserving of a loss tomorrow.

Fingers crossed! Off to write that article.

E xx

Quiet, happy day

Yikes, I realised today that it's half way through the month and I am not whizzing down the weight scales as fast as I had hoped. However, onward ever onward.

I had a good lie in this morning followed by a bowl of muesli and yoghurt, church, an uninterrupted read of the papers with a cup of coffee, lunch, a long walk, washing, homework (the girls), Antiques Roadshow and then, hardly dare admit it, "I'm A Celebrity - Get Me Out Of Here" - I, of course, wouldn't watch such inane rubbish but the girls like it.......!

My diet has been superb today, making up for the Christmas dinner yesterday. For lunch, as there were no children in the house, I had cooked a mince pie with homemade chips and mushy peas for my partner (he LOVES it) and I had some roast vegetables with spiced red cabbage and mushy peas. I gave him his plate and then sat down with mine. He starts doing a "weather warning" of severe gales expected to be moving in from the North - cheeky devil! As if mushy peas, cabbage, beetroot, squash etc are going to have that effect!?!

I had a fantastic walk today. The normal route round the gill with Lucy but consciously as fast as I could. To be honest, my feet just worked on automatic as my mind was whirring at an even faster rate than usual. I was thinking of ways of making some much needed money before the fast approaching festive season. As my partner sells Christmas trees, ("Bruces' Spruces" - no, not really, but I think it's a great name) I could make log Rudolph's, papier mache robins and Christmas decorations to sell along side them. Could be alot of mess for not alot of return, but we shall see. So, plan for extra pennies sorted. Next, I thought about potential employment. I keep saying that I want my career to mean something, to do something that makes a difference. Anyway, when analysing my ideal job, I have been trying think what would give job satisfaction. I think I have concluded that this either means working for a charity, ideally Marie Curie as a fundraising co-ordinator; working with children with "challenges" (I would love to be a foster Mum if we a) had room or b) thought the girls wouldn't mind); be a life coach boosting people's self esteem or teaching people proper, basic skills of cooking. I want to make a difference to someone's life and, in doing so, enrich my own. So, I have concluded that I should settle for not having much money for the time being by sticking with the job I have (which I thoroughly enjoy for the most part, it just doesn't have enough hours for 10 months of the year and has twice as many as I want for 2 months of the year) while I find a way to achieve a job that I really want.

Is it possible to boost someone's self esteem if you are prone to ludicrously low self esteem yourself?

In conclusion, I have made some mental progress today. Tomorrow I am going to write an article about the personal side of business insolvency and see if I can get it published. Now that's positive isn't it?

I feel a good week coming on.

E x

What is the matter with me?

I knew it wasn't going to be easy today. I slept appallingly for starters and was really tired, which is not good for my resolve. Add to that a proper turkey dinner and worse, my gorgeous (though I say it myself!) Christmas pudding with rum sauce. I knew the situation was beyond reprieve when my two lovely ladies on the other side of the kitchen commented that, for someone on a diet, I wasn't half eating alot today.

So, I have eaten too much and not moved a muscle in terms of exercise. Not good. Not happy with myself. I have just grabbed the dog by her ears (affectionately) as she reclines in an arm chair and promised her a VERY long, lovely walk tomorrow, regardless of the weather.

Please God, let me have a good night's sleep. I am whacked!

I must make progress.
E xx

A quiet day

14st 3lb. I was hoping for a loss. Last night was book club at my friend with the fabulous kitchen - thankfully she is an amazing cook as well so deserves her appliances! Anyway, I steadfastly avoided the nibbles, the beautiful pear crumble and cream, the Stilton, the chocolate biscuits with the coffee. I ate chicken, roast vegetables and tomato salad. So, I thought I might have been rewarded. Never mind.

Today has been work all day so no walk, jog or exercise of any description. I had Weetabix for breakfast, courgette & creme fraiche soup with an egg sandwich from the local deli for lunch and smoked salmon & prawns with a slice of bread for supper.

Tomorrow (14th November) I am cooking Christmas Lunch for around 100 people - the air is filled with the smell of Christmas pudding, mince pies and roasting turkeys! Aaaagggghhhh. It's just around the corner!!!!

See you tomorrow.

Exx

Keep on running!

Weigh in tomorrow and I am hopeful. I am right "in the zone" and feeling full of beans.

I went out early today as the sky is blue, the sun is high in the sky....but it's due to bucket down by this afternoon. I had no Lucy as she has gone shooting for the day (she's a gun dog) - it is not the same walking without the pup scampering along side. However, I did the long walk and, in spite of what I said a couple of days ago, I am improving - I might still be red and puffing but I think my recovery time is less. Anyway, I got to the top of the Gill and decided to jog down as much as I could. I managed 20 x 10 steps first, then 30 x 10 steps, then 20 again - well up on yesterday. I was gasping like a monkfish out of water (you know, the one with the big mouth and fat tail) by the bottom but I was still standing and hadn't wet myself - the sense of achievement was fantastic. The most surprising and encouraging thing is that my knee is holding out and I am not aching. As I run I feel my buttocks bouncing and know that it is doing some good!

I am becoming like a reformed smoker - the ones who tut at smokers in a condescending manner with a "if I can give up, you can" kind of way. Really irritating. The reason I say this is that yesterday, I was in Northallerton after the hospital and went to Costa coffee for a skinny latte and the most revolting "healthy living" <300 calories tuna sandwich you could find (I didn't eat it, complained and didn't get my money back - not pleased). As I sat, with nothing to read, I watched people coming and going as you do. A lady came in with her husband, told him what she wanted and went to sit down. She was about my age, extremely pretty and attractively dressed. However, she was also very fat, out of breath and walking with a stick. She smiled over and I smiled back. Her husband came with her lunch - a hot panini with cheese melting out of it, a large latte and a pastry. Now, for all I know, she had had an operation on her leg and needed a stick but I suspect, like me, her problems with her legs are exacerbated by her weight. As I have said before, we cannot expect our knees, hips and ankles to support excessive weight without problems. I had to fight the urge to go over to her and ask her to join my quest to improve our lives, not just for now, but for many, many more mobile years to come. I am along way off the end of the road to better health - but at least I am on it. I am obviously not on the motorway but the B roads. It's not pomposity that makes me want to go to her, it's genuine desire to make her more comfortable. You'll be relieved to know that I didn't.

Well, lots to do today. Done the ironing and washing. Going to wash kitchen floor and muck out downstairs loo - I am sure we don't wear half of the shoes in there. Then I am going to write my CV - yes, I am. Then I am going to consider where on earth I should send it. What do I want to do with this life of mine? I just don't know.

Now, there's that barn at the top of the hill. Would the farm give it up to be a cookery school...............................? It's those darn fairies again!

E xx

I'm loving Me Month!

I feel I've made up for yesterday. I really have enjoyed today from start to finish. After getting the girls off to school without incident, I went took Lucy out on the slightly longer Skelgill walk. I had to set off for the hospital by 10am and needed a shower beforehand so the pressure was on. I set a good pace and even broke into a bit of a run in places, when I could guarantee no audience. I felt inspired to actually set out to run part of it in future - it really gets the lungs working and the blood pumping. Unfortunately I just don't have the bladder for running (or the knees, hips, ankles, veins, internal organs) and I will make sure that I don't have a drink for at least two hours prior to setting out.

In fact, so inspired was I that, when I got back from Northallerton, I donned my trackies (not an alluring sight) and my very old trainers, drove up to the top of the moor and ran along an old track on the scar. I say ran. Stumbled might be more fitting but at least I made the effort. Lucy looked a little confused at first, leaping up at my side (probably ensuring I wasn't having some kind of fit) but, after a while she settled in to her usual running, sniffing, peeing and chasing. I like rhythm and have an obsession with counting so I counted to 10 ten times as I jogged, then walked the same, then jogged etc. It was good!

Today, I feel truly alive and positive about the future. The hospital visit went smoothly and I have been fitted for a pair of serious support stockings but, thankfully, they only come to below the knee and they are black. Sexy.

My diet has been good and I am sure I have recompensed for yesterday. I will find out on Friday. Tomorrow is another day all to myself. Lots to do but me to set the agenda. Excellent.

E xx

Bloody hell. What is it with me?

I had thought about pretending that I hadn't had time to write today, but then I thought, "No, no, Lizzie, that's not how it works. You have to confess."

I went to work determined to carry on yesterday's goodness. Started well enough with two Weetabix for breakfast. Behaved all morning and then got to lunchtime and....I ate fish with mushy peas! We're talking deep fried, in batter fish here, not lightly grilled. You see it was left over and would have been wasted. It looked so nice. So I had a "Sod it" moment and stuffed it down. I felt sick. I was so cross with myself. As slight vindictation, I got home, got changed and took Lucy out and I haven't had any supper. I am sorry.....again!

Other than my horrific car crash of a diet, nothing much happened. I did pass a comment at work that I could do with some "jocks" to keep my tights up - at our all-girls boarding school we wore thick, dark green outer knickers (jocks) over our normal knickers (presumably so that if we fell over, you couldn't see our pants). Apart from keeping your bottom warm, they held your tights up (you wore them over your tights). I happened to say how much I loved Boots opaque tights - they are more expensive than supermarket ones but they are lovely quality. Added to which, Boots also very kindly describe their big-girl tights as "TFF" not "XXL". One of my esteemed colleagues piped up with, "What, you'd rather be described as "Too F*****g Fat" than "Xtra Xtra Large"?!? (it actually stands for a very cuddly sounding Tall Fuller Figure). Cheeky woman!

Anyway, off to Northallerton tomorrow. Good walk before I go then a stock up on the market with inspiring fruit and vegetables. Back on the horse.....again!

E xx

PS My little notebook on the homepage of my computer has been changed from "My mummy is beautiful x" to "I've got a yummy mummy". Heart bursts. x

Second Week. Me Month.

14st 3lb. Hey, good one! I woke up feeling slim (for me) and hopped on the scales with confidence - rewarded! Will have a good week.

I am doing ok at this focussing stuff. I have had a good walk every day for the past week and really enjoyed it. I don't seem to be making much progress in the fitness stakes though - I am still bright red and knackered by the time I get to the top of the Gill. I have been fortunate with the weather - no driving wind and rain to contend with yet. Rain I'm ok with, wind I am not. Work tomorrow but shouldn't be too late so may fit in my flirt with exercise. On Wednesday I have the joys of a scan on my leg in the morning followed by a fitting for my very attractive surgical stocking in the afternoon - my, my, the delights of being 44.

Anyway, I am feeling rather pleased with myself as I have been well ahead of trend in this blog. Last week, there was a report in the paper about "Thinheritance" (why thin, when the issue is fat?) - how a mother's attitude to her daughter's weight led to her own daughter having serious self loathing issues (I covered that weeks ago Daily Mail!). Today, the myths of being chubby - not eating enough puts your body into conservation mode (thinking it's starving) and so your weight plateaus - no, you plateau because your calorie intake is too high, ie, you eat too much! I have also tackled the fact that I will always eat enough - do you think the Daily Mail are poaching subjects from my blog??? Hmmm, interesting thought. I shall keep an eye out and then put in a bill.

I personally don't think a plateau is harmful, as long as you don't lose heart and go back to bad habits. Speaking as someone who has just had one for 6 weeks, it does allow your body to settle into the weight before starting the next phase with enthusiasm. It's like practising for the day you reach goal and have to maintain that plateau for ever more - as long as you don't plateau after each pound of course!

So, just four more pounds to go before I never see the 14stones again. Doesn't sound much. Sounds achieveable. Onward, ever onward.

E xx
PS Thank you Kestrel for your comments - makes perfect sense of course. It's like asking Him to sort my life out - I am sure He thinks it's fine already! x

Time to come out of the closet!

I haven't done a Serious Subject Sunday for a while but before I do, I'll just insert a few pictures from my walk this afternoon - it was a right good bounder and boy, did I feel good afterwards. It was a fairly, but not dazzlingly, sunny day and the leaves are all but gone but still, I got some reasonable shots to show you how fortunate I am to live where I do.

This week a couple of you have asked what is this business with church? I mention it infrequently in my blogs as it isn't actually relevant to my blogging (although my pleading with the Almighty for progress with weight loss is a reality!). It is private and I rarely mention it in my life or bring it into conversation as, more often than not, it would be met with an uncomfortable, slightly embarrassed silence - which doesn't make me a very good disciple, does it?! I am certainly not someone who is about to lay my hand on your arm and say that all your troubles will be fine if you love Jesus as he loves you - oh no, I would be grossly uncomfortable if someone did as much to me. So, it's time to discuss my faith but please don't switch off - I'm not about to preach, attempt to convert you or say anything offensive - I just think it's time to explain how I am.

I am a Christian. I attend our village church every week unless I really can't make it. I am on our Parochial Church Council and am a church warden. More to the point, I love it.

There. Said it. Not too difficult.

I suppose I have always enjoyed church. I went to boarding school where a church service was a daily event and where, in my case, a true love of church music was deeply ingrained. My Uncle sang in the Polperro Fisherman's Choir for as long as I can remember and, even as a very young child, I loved to hear them sing and was terribly proud of him - I would challenge anyone not to be moved by the beauty of a well trained male voice choir. As a person who appreciates architecture, church buildings themselves are usually a magnificent centrepiece, especially in a small village such as ours.

I do not believe that you need to go to church to live a Christian life but, for me, it gives a rhythm to my Sunday that re centres my life and focuses my thoughts. I enjoy the format, the singing, the thoughts and prayers, the time out from a busy life. I have never made my children come with me and none of them choose to. I certainly don't think you need to go to church to be a part of the community as there are many very active, productive members of our community who never set foot over the threshold. However, for me, I enjoy the challenge of involving people indirectly in the church through such activities as making bread with the children for Harvest Festival, the Christmas Tree Festival, Fairtrade suppers, curry nights for an Indian orphanage - and much more.

As I have already said, I am fortunate to live where I do. I look around every day and see what is, for me, the stunning beauty of God's creation. I do not believe that these hills and Dales are made by man, the Big Bang or anything else. However, I am not so naive that I do not question whether my faith would be so strong if I cradled a child dying of starvation in an African Aid camp or stood in a village wiped out by a natural disaster, or even if I lived in a run down estate in one of our own more deprived cities. I live with a faith that is partially wrapped in cotton wool, protected and not hugely challenged.

I do believe that if we try to live more generous lives, the world would be a better place - if we showed more love, trust, respect and tolerance of others opinions. If we all showed small acts of kindness to someone outside our own home, the world would be a better place very quickly.

I am far from perfect. I am twice divorced; swear far too much; suffer road rage on an almost daily basis; have behaved in a far from Christian manner on many, many occasions; have hurt people whom I profess to love; have let people down ..... and many more.

This blog session feels as revealing as participating in "How to look good naked" - perish the thought! Back to full dress tomorrow.

E xx

PS I do know that the prayer line to God does not help weight loss!

Day 7 Me Month

Well, I've survived shopping! I had an alarming, and infuriating, start to the day in that I was abruptly awoken by my partner leaping out of bed shouting, "You f*****g woman. You've turned the alarm off!" (he really is very nice - normally). I protested that I hadn't touched the alarm at the same moment as he realised it was 5:50am not 6:50am as he had thought. A mumbled apology as he fairly sheepishly got back into bed, falling instantly back to sleep, leaving me shell shocked and not best pleased. Anyway, it prompted an earlier than expected start to my day and I used the unexpected hour to do a speedy sprint round the gill walk with a delighted Lucy. So, I started the day with a citrus salad and a zing in my step. I was in one of those "conquer the world" kind of moods (how or whose, I haven't planned).

I got off to Darlington, battled with the shops (and shoppers) and did a significant amount of my Christmas shopping. As I explained yesterday, this is not because I am in any way organised or enjoy wrapping up Christmas by the end of November, in fact I am quite the opposite, but, I needed to shop before I thought I couldn't afford it. The best part of being a bankrupt (or having been recently) is that you can't have any credit so, although I have barely an asset to my name, I don't have a debt either (not monetary anyway!). Shopping for Christmas on a damp afternoon in Darlington is not to be recommended - there is something terribly sad about no irritating music, cross parents, bored men, excitable teenagers (actually, there were hordes of them!). No, it's Christmas eve in future.

I managed to get by on a half egg mayonnaise sandwich which I made before I went and ate in the car, a pear and a banana. I had a skinny latte mid afternoon. No chocs, no treats, no naughties!!! GOOD GIRL!

Remembrance Sunday tomorrow. Time to come out of the closet about my faith I think.

E xx

Day 6 Me Month

14st 4lb. So, I wasn't punished for the trifle. Phew. I have lost three pounds this week which is great and will, I hope, spur me on to my target.

I made the beetroot and horseradish soup. It is a beautiful, smooth texture and has the most amazing colour (every little girl's dream bedroom). I softened a small onion in olive oil and then added a potato which I had peeled and diced. I then added 1/2 pint of chicken stock and some black pepper and simmered for 20 minutes until the potatoes were cooked. I put it in the blender and whizzed until smooth before adding 300g of cooked beetroot and a couple of teaspoons of horseradish sauce. Therein lies my error - the beetroot were described as sweet beetroot but in fact they were quite vinegary. Add to that the sharpness of the horseradish sauce and the soup was.....horrible! It tasted sour and unpleasant which was a shame as it is the most inviting looking soup I have cooked in ages. I am going to try it again but next time I will boil my own beetroot from raw and only add one teaspoon of horseradish.

So, I said it was my first day to myself and set myself a few targets (or intentions) for the day.
1. Enjoy a good walk - done
2. Design & hand out leaflets - done
3. Clean sitting room well - done
4. Start CV - you guess!
5. Find time to just "be" - I really tried!

Three and a half out of five ain't bad!

The girls were at their Dad's for bonfire night and so I had no one to get off to school. I despatched my partner with his pack up for a day on the moors (he'll be cold, wet and grumpy tonight but the day is mine in between) at 8am. I put the finishing touches to my Advent in Askrigg poster and set off at 8.30am to distribute leaflets and put up posters. We stayed out and did a good walk (just over 3 miles) returning at 11.20am, whacked, refreshed and more than ready for a coffee. The best thing about getting out early is that I can walk in the kitchen without Lucy leaping up and running to her lead - added to the fact that it was pouring with rain by lunchtime and hasn't let up since. I didn't take the camera as, although dry, it was very dull indeed and even the brightest leaves weren't sparkling.

I am proud to say that the sitting room is now gleaming. I have polished the furniture (even the table and chair legs!), washed the skirting boards, hoovered, washed and straightened all the pictures and photos, cleaned the windows and put all extraneous materials away (there were loads). I don't suppose anyone will notice but I do, which is all that matters. I have never been anything approaching tidy in the house but I am rarely actually dirty - but the silt has been accumulating and it gets me down. I have made a start.

I went up to the laundrette to get 3 loads of washing dried (I am not contaminating my lovely room with washing draped around) and had half an hour to kill whilst it dried. I decided to seize the moment and just "be". I went up a little track at the back of Hawes, turned off the radio and the engine and tried "relaxing". Clear your mind. Allow thoughts to pop into your mind unprompted. Hmmm....trying.....hmmm.....what have I got in for supper?....hmmm.....what shall I write in my blog tonight?....hmmm.....I feel really silly sitting here in the rain in the middle of nowhere - someone will walk passed and check a hose isn't attached to the exhaust in a minute......relax for God's sake.....find inspiration.....I try....then....bollocks! I was going to go to the preview of tomorrow's sale to see if they have a small chest of drawers for the landing (instead of the great big one which takes up most of the available space and the drawers don't slide in properly, leaving the kids underwear and uniform escaping very publicly). I left my haven of tranquility and belted to have a quick look (no, they didn't have one) before getting told off for being late for my laundry.

I think the closest I come to true escapism is writing this blog!

I am in a quandry. Tomorrow night we have nothing planned and the girls are away at their Dad's. Should we have friends in for a suitable-for-diet informal supper or should I cook a suitable-for-diet-romantic dinner for two and then disagree on what to watch on the TV? It's a dilemma!

Must dash to cook tea for eldest before she goes to work. Going Christmas shopping tomorrow - not like me to admit to Christmas before December (I absolutely LOVE it but only in the right month) but as October is my mega month at work, November is the only month when I have any money. Better get it over with!

E xx

PS The rate of business insolvencies is up again which rakes up some horrible memories for me - if you know of anyone experiencing business difficulty or failure, I would be happy to let them read my story "It's not all over - a personal journey through business failure" if you think it might help. Just let me know your email address via comments (I won't publish it) and I'll email it through.

Day 5 Me month

Weigh day tomorrow. Enjoyed my diet so far this week and have been, almost completely, good. The naughty was the raspberry trifle at work today which was perched on the pudding counter and everytime I walked passed, it squawked "eat me, eat me" - unfortunately at times I couldn't resist! Not too many times but enough to bring on the guilt. I had some of the citrus fruit salad for breakfast and tomato soup for lunch.

When I got home, earlier than expected and with an hour to spare, I got changed and went off up the gill with Lucy. Sod would have it that today has been a glorious, clear autumnal day - really annoying when you are stuck in a hot, busy kitchen. However, have to earn a crust! It was starting to get dark by the time I was on the homeward stretch and I was ready for the paper and a cup of tea. I have made a discovery - if I walk upright and breathe in, I feel so much better - positive, slimmer and weirdly, less prone to be out of breath. Not that I usually walk like the hunchback of Notre Dame - but I do tend to motor on without regard to my general stance.

Tomorrow is my first real chance to do my own thing since starting Me Month. I have no work, no children, no partner to feed. I plan on a really good walk; thoroughly clean the sitting room (one room at a time); write at least part of my CV; find time to just "be" (hoping for the inspiration I'm expecting); sort out posters/fliers for the Advent in Askrigg events I am organising. I have to learn that not everyone lives by my "fly by the seat of your pants/leave everything to the last moment" method of life management - people seem to expect things of me. I do always get things done but not usually with much time to spare.

I am looking forward to tomorrow.

E xx

The intentions are good

I went into work early so that I could get home in time for lunch with my partner (a very rare occurence at the moment) and then take Lucy for a proper long walk. However, the rain hasn't let up all day, added to which it's cold, so I'm being a wimp and sticking with the warmth of my kitchen and the comfort of the laptop. I have 6 spiced tealoaves almost ready in the oven and the kitchen smells perfect.

I had opened the laptop intending writing a CV, or at least making a start, but it is so many years since I have needed one (I have been self employed for almost 13 years) that I write "Curriculum Vitae" and then blank. However, I must tackle the deed and send it off to some possible employers. I think I am suffering from "back to work nerves" - although I have never stopped working since I left University, I worry that my practical skills are fairly basic - for example, I can touch type reasonably well and use my word processor every day but I am in no way professional and get totally muddled and furious when importing, exporting, cutting and pasting - I can wipe out entire documents at the push of a button and be sent into abject terror - they are always there somewhere but it's finding them that's the problem. I wish I could earn a living writing my blog.

Anyway, I made the tomato soup - I put little crosses in the tops of the tomatoes, drizzled them in a little olive oil and roasted them for an hour in the oven at 150C. I then softened an onion with 2 cloves of garlic and added the tomatoes, having first removed the skins and the core bit from the top. I added 1/2 pint of chicken stock with a tablespoon of tomato puree and lots of freshly ground black pepper. I simmered it for 15 minutes and then pureed with a good handful of fresh basil leaves. I declare it was delicious! I have had it for lunch and suspect the girls will clear off the rest when they come in from school. We are having fahitas for supper - filled with grilled chicken, avocado and salads and then a big juicy Galia melon for pudding.

I was delighted to read a timely article in the paper this lunchtime (when I extracted the paper from lover-boy - I really don't know why he "loves" me to be home for lunch other than to cook it - he always reads the paper, watches the news and complains about both!) titled "tomatoes are a dieter's dream - the healthy way to keep hunger at bay". A researcher is saying that tomatoes are very efficient at keeping the "full" sensation for longer (in addition to warding off cancer, lowering cholesterol, protecting against sunburn, fighting signs of ageing, healing wounds and helping the body absorb iron through its high levels of vitamin C - what a power packed little fruit!). My friend swears by homemade tomato soup packed with garlic to treat a cold (and very efficient at staving off unwelcome male attention too I suspect!). Our fridge almost always has tomatoes in as we all like them - I shall like them even more now.

Another article in today's very helpful paper is, surprise, surprise, shopping is fun.....if you are thin. Well, there's a shocker! How many times have you stood in the, usually small, or worse communal, cubical and been horrified at what you see? For starters, there are usually mirrors all around for you to admire areas that are usually, mercifully, hidden from view. Secondly, you went into the changing room with the vision of yourself in your head from at least 10 years and 2 sizes ago, so when the reality hits you full frontal (and side and rear to boot!) it is not a pretty sight. Thirdly, when do you actually plan ahead and wear nice underwear and good tights? I am always confronted by an overweight woman in grey Tescos knickers and opaque tights with a hole in the crotch, thigh and toes, an ill-fitting, badly washed bra, looking slightly harassed and flushed with hair that resembles a hay rack - she in no way resembles the woman who left home. No, I can honestly say that shopping for clothes, particularly when you have to buy something for a party/wedding, is an awful, demoralising, reality check. I more often than not end up deciding to make do with what is in the wardrobe and buy either 250g of Brazil nut toffee from Thorntons or a pack of 4 jam doughnuts from M&S instead, driving away as quickly as possible from the experience, vowing to do something about my weight (after I've finished the treats). The article concludes with, "Why then, do so many women hit the shops? - "The answer," said the professor, "appears to be for inspiration and fantasy." Too right!

I am going to have to brave the rain. Fresh air and exercise are the order of the hour - I feel like an eager Guide leader without a pack. CV can wait for inspiration.

E xx

Added later on - am going to take camera next time I go out to show you why I should always choose a walk (even though I got soaked!) over sitting in a warm kitchen at my laptop - can always come back in to kitchen feeling invigorated, alive and inspired!

Day 3 Me Month

14st 5lb. Good God. We're off the starting blocks without a false start! Long and fast may it continue. I have again done well on the diet front with a bit of fat free tea loaf for breakfast (I was cutting the ends off the loaf at work); my autumnal soup, a tangerine and a pear for lunch and an absolutely disgusting "healthy living" prawn sandwich from Tescos for supper (I knew I wouldn't have time to eat when I got home before going out to a meeting and I was famished) - it actually tasted off, even though it has two more days date on it. I contemplated throwing it out of the car window but hunger got the better of me (and a naughty little thought that a bit of food poisoning would certainly speed me along the road to 13stone!). Anyway, whilst in Tescos, I bought most of the fruit & veg department and felt utterly sanctimonious at the check-out with my super healthy trolley (the others in the queue were probably thinking "how does she stay so fat with a trolley like that?!). I got the most gorgeously ripe vine tomatoes to roast for my roast tomato and basil (smells like cat wee) soup tomorrow. I am really excited about making it. I also got the beetroot and am going to try it with a touch of horseradish I think for a bit of a kick (or with ginger and orange as an alternative - what do you think?). Thank you Sally for your comment about grapefruit (I bought a pink, ruby and white one to make a medley citrus salad with oranges - yes, I really am in the mood aren't I) - I too hate "pithing" about with them but the natural stomach crunches make it worth it!

I didn't get a walk today as I went to work early and then had to rush off to Northallerton (the great Metropolis) for a hospital appointment about my leg. The very nice consultant is the one who was not impressed with my efforts (or lack of) to lose weight last time I saw him. Well, he was cautiously pleased with the progress and delighted to hear I am "in the zone" and determined to continue in the right direction. My leg is awful and needs sorting - they could operate or could try the relatively new procedure which sounds like foam filler - I have visions of my leg expanding even more with solid rivulets running from thigh to ankle. I got heartily chastised for not wearing the prescribed surgical stockings - I made it sound as if I had forgotten to put them on after showering earlier in the afternoon - not that I have no idea where the ruddy things are, if indeed they haven't got thrown out. A bit like control garments, they have a habit of rolling down my fat thighs in a very neat roll that totally cuts off all blood supply to the leg and leads to total embarrassment as you subtly try to grapple with the middle of your leg. They are utterly gross. Anyway, apparently they are essential to the health of my leg. He has conceded that I can have one that comes to below the knee - in my experience, they just cut into the back of your knee and cut off the blood supply. I will give it a go - c'est la vie!

Whilst in the big city, I decided to go to Boots and stand on their "healthy weight scales" - how can scales have a healthy weight? I would love to say that my suspicions were correct and my scales have broken at 14 and a half stone because I was delighted to read 11st 7lb on the little print out - however, I obviously haven't been living with the fairies for long enough as the scales read 14st 7lb, as did the ones at the hospital. Never mind, I will get there.

So, end of day 3. Haven't found the peace yet but tomorrow is another day. Hopefully it's just me, my Kenwood mixer and Radio 4 tomorrow morning - bliss!

E xx

Day 2 Me Month

No weight today.

So, not exactly off to a flying start but a fairly positive one. The diet has gone well today - a grapefruit for breakfast; a leftover lamb sandwich for lunch (fat cut off); a small baked potato with ham and a mug of my soup for supper - and half a pomegranite. I intended having the soup for lunch but I was late from work and in a hurry to go to a meeting so didn't have time. I had planned to raid the greengrocers for lots of inviting, sumptuous fruit and vegetables, but my wages didn't go into the bank in time so I only had £10 - so I made a Shepherd's Pie with veg for the family instead of the intended chicken fajitas. I also couldn't afford some luscious vine tomatoes or basil for tomorrow's soup, so it's more of the same - which is delicious and not a hardship. There's always tomorrow.

I got back from my meeting in time to go up the gill for a walk with Lucy. Wow, have we had some wind and rain in the past few days - proper autumnal gales. The resulting effect is a carpet of every coloured leaf in the autumn spectrum from pale yellow through to dark brown, still perfect and fresh before turning mushy underfoot. The malevolent, slate grey sky threatened rain for the whole walk but, even the lack of sunshine couldn't detract from the stunning beauty of the trees - the few remaining leaves on the trees dancing in the wind like jewels. I sat up at the waterfall, in full spate (the waterfall, not me), and tried my "new age, commune with nature, leave it to the fairies" meditation - I can't do it. It makes me laugh (at myself). I just settled for enjoying the peace (if sitting on a damp rock in the rain with a roaring waterfall can be called peace!).

Anyway, I've had a good day all in all, if not a particularly quiet one. For the last 4 hours it has been nothing but, "Mum, have you seen my...", "Mum, I need to get my ingredients ready for cookery", "What have you got in for my packed lunch tomorrow?" - none stop whittering. Early night planned (with a new book!).

E xx

Wow, here I come!

14st 7lb. It's the first of November!!! It's the start of "Me Month". By the end of this month I intend to be feeling happier, healthier and be at least into the 13stones. This 14/7 business has gone on too long. This is supposed to be a "weight loss" blog not a "stick-at-the-same-weight-for-6-weeks" blog. I am supposed to be inspiring fellow suffers of FCD ("Fat Cow Disease") to join me in the quest for a healthier life, not boring you with the tedium of a busy life.

This is my horoscope from yesterday's Daily Mail (yes, I know, but we can't agree on an alternative and I can't afford two papers).
Pisces Time is precious. That's why its so important to waste it. When you try too hard to make every moment count, you end up putting yourself under pressure. Hours fly by like seconds when a person is in a hurry. To make them slow down, you have to push your agenda aside and create a little space in which to drift. That's also how you gain access to inspired ideas. So gaze into space. Let the fairies spirit you away this November. They'll take you to a place where you can eventually see more clearly how to clear up a mess and solve a problem. Those fairies are far more practical than you imagine. Trust them this month.

Well, wasn't that just written for me (I can't believe it fits the agenda of 1 in 12 of the population mind!). I loved the Flower Fairies as a child and my children could recite the poems off by heart as babes, so leaving life to the fairies is not a difficult decision.

This is my plan for November:

1. You are stuck with me, day in, day out. I am blogging away to my heart's content and you, my imaginary friends, are filling me with inspirational positivity.
2. My diet is going to be good. Not a pressured, plodding diet but a feel good, healthy, vitamin-packed diet, full of flavours, colours and texture.
3. This incredible positivity is going to be fed by the fact that I will make time to walk and get proper exercise. I will glow. The dog will shine.
4. I am going to take time to really think about where I want to be in this life and how I can achieve it. I know I want to be out of catering but I don't know what I do want and what is practical living where I do. Should I retrain? If so, what as? Can I afford to change direction? I know I want to do something more meaningful.
5. I am going to work my way through this whole dirty little house and clean it. It gets me down. A bit at a time will do the trick (as long as the little blighters don't follow behind creating havoc in my wake!).

I am starting with soups. This week I am going to make lots of lovely healthy soups and I am going to love them. I have probably already said that my mother is the Queen of the Soup - she loves them, makes interesting, flavour packed ones and her diet is really working, mainly down to soup. Today we had a major novelty in our house in that all five of us sat down to breakfast and chatted amiably, then four of us had a proper roast Sunday lunch. It seems so long since our lives had an normality or continuity. It is the best thing about the Autumn - the closing of the curtains at Sunday teatime, snacky bits for supper, all the family in the sitting room watching Antiques Roadshow (ok, all the family in the sitting room whinging at having to watch AR!). Anyway, we had a roast leg of home bred lamb for lunch with loads of lovely vegetables. I roasted extra butternut squash, sweet potatoes and peppers so that I could add it to softened onions with garlic, a tin of tomatoes and some chicken stock. I then blended the whole lot together to make a lovely thick, very tasty soup for tomorrow. I am going to focus on colour so I intend making a fresh tomato and basil; a gorgeous peppery watercress; a beetroot and orange - any other suggestions? By the end of this week, I will be bursting with vitamins and well set up against winter flu.

So, my little band of supporters, I plan to succeed and not to disappoint. Target: 10lbs by November 30th. Any takers for a competition?

See you tomorrow!

E xx
PS Going to every three days for weighing in.