Day 17 I'm considering a conspiracy theory!

15st 1lb. It's getting worrying - I can't shift passed it. I think there is something wrong with the scales!

However, the positive thing is that through blogging (it is really just talking to myself masquerading as writing to someone) I am sticking with this diet through this little hiccup, whereas under normal circumstances, I would have been well back in the trough by now.

Having said that, angel isn't really applicable today, despite the very best of intentions. Firstly, I made scones for the village produce show tea (I got a FIRST with my roses - first time I've entered - chuffed to bits!). Anyway, I'd made raspberry jam as well and when one half of the hot, just-from-the-oven, scone fell to bite sized pieces via the pot of still-warm jam, I just had to eat it. I am really sorry but it was in my mouth before I could remember that it wasn't supposed to be there. On the plus side, I did make lemon drizzle cake too and didn't pinch a crumb. Progress!

To make matters worse, I was testing a new pastry for Cornish pasties tonight (for my cook book). My Granny (Cornish) remembered that you didn't put much butter in it and she thought there was a little suet so I thought I'd better make something up. It was perfect - flaky, crunchy and light as air - with succulent steak and vegetables within. I only had a REALLY LITTLE END BIT, I promise, but I had to try it as it was a prototype, genuinely warranting testing. My partner suggested that I could eat a whole one as surely a bit of meat and vegetables wasn't fattening - they might not be too bad, but the pastry! Sin city.

I'm kind of resigned to the inevitable weight tomorrow morning...but you never know!

Exx

Day 16 Not again!

15st 1lb. Again! I have been playing with this weight since last Sunday and enough is enough! I am determined to move down tomorrow or certainly by Tuesday - and then never see 15st again for the rest of my life. It's a long time.
Anyway, I am feeling positive and alot better about myself. I have been on a walk with the dog - she is a little confused but absolutely delighted to be getting regular walks with me again (she goes out on the farm anyway). Glee just oozes from every energetic pore and she certainly makes it worth the effort. If only the sun would shine, it would make walks more tempting. The forecast is telling me that the coming week will bring a real taste of autumn - we've been tasting it all summer! I haven't needed to water the garden since June and haven't been to the river swimming with the children at all this year.
I have made my own muesli for breakfast - I have been eating Dorset cereal but, to be frank, I'm knackered by the time I've finished munching my way through a bowl and it's too expensive. I have used jumbo organic oats, normal oats, wholewheat bran, raisins, seeds, a bit of coconut left in the cupboard and some hazelnuts. Anyway, it's very nice and will go well with yoghurt and honey which I love.
There is a report in the Mail on Sunday today about the rise of a new model on the catwalk and how it heralds a new phase in realistic, voluptuous models - I read with interest expecting a new Sophie Dahl (before she sold out and went really thin) only to find she's a size 8! Voluptuous, my fat arse! Nigella Lawson is voluptuous, and certainly not a size 8.
Anyway, positive mood for the week ahead. Off out to dinner which is rare but nice. Must control myself!
E xx

Day 15 Sometimes life is so unfair!

15st 2lb. I am thoroughly p**sed off! I hopped on the scales with the confidence of a well behaved dieting woman, expecting a 15st0lb at the very least. I have just spent 2 days in Leeds and been an angel!.
Diet diary for past 2 days (with no omissions - no emissions either actually so constipation could be the issue!).
Day 1.
6.30am Two Weetabix. Skimmed milk. 1/2 teaspoon of sugar. Cup of tea
10am On train. Coffee (not fattening Latte, just plain coffee with horrible little carton of so called milk)
1.45pm Eventually meet up with eldest daughter and boyfriend for lunch, by which time could have eaten small horse but settled for the baked potato with mixed bean topping and side salad (under 5% fat on the menu as healthy option). Drank water. Nicked minute bit of chocolate off daughters ice cream bombe.
6pm Cinema. Sucked 6 small jelly sweets - slowly.
8pm Spaghetti with garlic and tomato based seafood sauce. Glass of red wine.
Day 2.
9am buffet breakfast. fresh fruit salad with low fat yoghurt. 1 Weetabix with packet of Special K. 1 slice of wholemeal bread and honey. Cup of tea.
4.30pm Mediterranean salad with chicken. 2 chips. Large glass of red wine.
9pm Slice of toast with honey.
Could I have gone away for 2 days and eaten any better? I walked miles (perhaps should have jogged!) and watched my girls eat chips, sweet bagels, popcorn, BEN & JERRY's ICECREAM. I deserve to lose a stone on abstinence alone!
(the reason I ate so much breakfast, by the way, is that I told the girls to eat a big breakfast as we weren't going to eat until mid afternoon, before we got on the train home).
Anyway, feeling bloody irritated but back on the horse as they say.
So, back to 2 day trip to Leeds. Why is it that your children want you to be a cool Mum (although, God forbid that you say "cool" - I have no idea what the equivalent, acceptable description is) but that everything you do is an embarrassment to them? I have been faced with so many raised eyebrows and looks of distain, I can't count them. If they tried on a top and I said it looked "cool", it was off and back on the hanger quicker than I would have thought possible. Any dress I picked up thinking they would look cute (don't worry, even I wouldn't use that word to them) didn't even warrant a comment and their choices for themselves got a raised eyebrow from me (literally a raised eyebrow - I got disturbed when I had only finished plucking one eyebrow and forgot to go back and do the other - not that I am Dennis Healey you understand but I did have one more expressive side that's for sure!).
When I suggested that after supper we went back to the hotel for a facepack and nails evening with a film, it was greeted with enthusiasm "just as long as you don't try to turn it into something cheesey!" I have to say here, that my children are very affectionate, fun loving girls but, woe betide you if you so much as move a buttock to music - you are just sooooo embarassing! It's just a phase - my nearly 17 year old just bops along with me now.
Anyway, the other reason I should have lost a pound is that I had my hair cut. It was last cut in February and I promised I wouldn't have it cut again until I had lost a stone. I was turning into a sheepdog and ending up wearing a hairband that made me look like a part Sloane/part Tory party candidate, just so that I could see. Buying shoes and having my hair cut are about as attractive to me as having teeth pulled.
As I had officially made it to my stone as I was 16st 2lb at the beginning of the year, I decided the time had come to take the plunge - although it seems unfair that you have to lose 14lb to lose £45. Anyway, I couldn't go to my usual lovely Trish at Saks, so settled for one of those walk-in ones. They were very busy so I had to wait 10 minutes in the chair in front of the big, well lit mirror - one of those where the lights shine from above, shadowing the bags under your eyes even more than usual - with your hair scraped back off your face. To make matters worse, in my haste to rush out of the house on Thurs morning, I had forgotton to pack my make up bag AND I'd come out in a rash from the face mask the night before. Things were not looking good. I noticed another poor victim in much the same uncomfortable state as me. A very young, pretty girl (with long bleached hair that looked as if she would be in danger if she turned her back on a sheep) looked at me with pity and completely ignored everything I said. Firstly she said a relaxing head massage was part of the deal - I lay back and felt as if Edward Scissorhands was loose on my scalp - crikey, she had talons not nails and I'm sure I've got scratch marks as evidence - relax? I was petrified! She said that if she cut more than half an inch off my layers, it would stick out and be difficult to control - there's six months growth to go out for God's sake, and it didn't stick out before. So I ended up looking like a tidy version of the sheepdog that went in and am £32 worse off for the ordeal. Looks like I'm saving up for Trish!
All in all, Leeds was a great break and a chance to spend "quality time" with the girls - I'm knackered, broke and heavier!
Off to march off a pound along the river!
E xx

Day 13 Off to Leeds

15st 1lb. Stayed the same. Two weeks tomorrow and unfortunately can't weigh myself in the morning as I am going to Leeds on a 2 day break with the girls - all three of them meeting for lunch today - I am a proud mother!
However, all in all, a more stressful week than last - just alot going on and not so organised. Must be more organised. Also, as I am weighing myself daily, it seems alot slower than if I had weighed myself this morning for the first time since last Friday and had lost 2lb.
Thank God for that - you know when you're in a hurry (train to catch in this case but washing to put on line as soon as machine finishes) and, uninstructed with no reason, the computer screen starts to disappear and then tells you it is "configuring updates" - did I ask it to? No, certainly not! Did my blood pressure temporarily soar - you bet it did. It's come back down now as the genius little blog master had saved what I had written. I have however smudged my nail varnish (very rare for me but we are going metropolitan for 2 days!) while trying to clean the bathroom basin while the computer restarted - ultimate multi tasking!
Anyway, I am now in a real hurry. Calm must descend upon me ready for two days shopping (with a little culture thrown into the mix - the girls are unimpressed!). I won't check in tomorrow as we'll be back late.
Happy days!
E xx

Day 12 Grumpy, grumpy woman

15st 1lb. Weight not a problem. Weather dreadful - rained all day. There are 5 of us (and the dog) in a small house and my youngest had a friend on a sleepover. I had the computer because I was working which meant they were bored. All day (and even now) there is noise. I crave peace. The house is a tip, I never stop washing (and there is no where to dry it) and to compound the problem, the dog is in full moult and the vacuum cleaner is inefficient to put it mildly.
On a positive note, despite considerable pressure, I have not succumbed to, or even been tempted by, chocolate - result!

Anyway, I'll try to cheer myself up by telling you my happy story from last week. I decided that I would chance my arm and send the first few days of my blog to the Mail on Sunday magazine to see if they thought their readers would be interested in my diary (I knew they wouldn't, but, nothing ventured, nothing gained!). Anyway, the woman who answered the phone suggested I sent it to Sarah Stacey, the Health journalist. I did and within 15 minutes, the phone rang. It was Sarah Stacey. For the next 25 minutes, I juggled poaching salmon, prepping a salad and boiling potatoes, whilst gesticulating to the children to retreat from the kitchen - all with the phone tucked under my chin. I had the most encouraging, informative and thoroughly interesting chat with her. She said that, unfortunately, my blog wasn't suitable for her page and that space is limited in the magazine. However, we chatted about diet and food generally and she directed me to a previous article she had written about her sister in law's need to lose a few pounds and recommended I look at Charles V Clark (www.charlesvclark.com), a specialist in nutrition (actually he has more qualifications than I thought it was possible to get!) and an internationally recognised specialist in diabetes. Prof Clark advises eating meat, fish, shellfish, eggs and poultry, with lots of vegetables for fibre (except potatoes and parsnips, which are almost pure sugar), salads, egg, nuts and seeds, with extra virgin olive oil, herbs and spices, and even a little butter. He explains that carbohydrates convert to sugar in the blood stream and trigger a hormone called insulin. ‘Only 15 per cent of the cholesterol in your blood comes from fatty food. 85 per cent is made in your own liver as a result of insulin.’ He also recommends a healthy dose of exercise thrown in. Sarah said she is not one to listen to faddy diets etc, but his advice was sensible, achieveable and worked. I am going to buy his book and get reading!
However, the thing about this conversation with Sarah that pleased me the most was that she said although she doesn't have a weight issue, we do "all have our fragilities" - something that touches a raw nerve - she quite rightly said that losing weight will not solve all my self esteem issues. The upshot of it was that I had a conversation that I wasn't expecting, that raised my spirits and gave me boost - what a thoroughly lovely lady!
Thank you, Sarah.
E xx

Day 11 In which I pay for yesterday

15st 2lb. Hmm. I think, psychologically, I asked for that one! I was convinced that I was going to put on due to my "naughtiness" yesterday and I did.

Anyway, no such problems today. Stressful and very busy day at work - not a highly nutritious day (peach/beef sandwich/spaghetti hoops on toast/yoghurt, muesli and honey) but a low calorie one. Not exactly fulfilling my 5 a day requirement am I? No chocolate or sugar urges though so back on track.

I am so looking forward to the next few days - for the first time in weeks I am having a few days of relative calm. I am working tomorrow but only writing so at my own pace and then I am taking my two youngest daughters to Leeds for two days - shopping, cinema, a gallery (if I can persuade them). The prospect of not dashing around feeding people is so appealing. I will also make time to walk the dog.

Tomorrow I'll discuss something exciting that happened last week - it restored my faith in human nature (not that it was very dented in the first place!)

Happy weight loss!
E xx

Day 10 Whoops!

15st 1lb. Fantastic, I stayed the same. Great start and one which you would think would set me up in buoyant, happy mood for the day. Not so. I was in a hurry so grabbed a piece of toast with honey for breakfast - not too bad but not sticking to my cutting down on bread. Did well at work although found myself pinching walnuts - they are of course very good for you, though not by the pound!
However, as the day went on I was taken over by the "need to graze" gremlins - whatever I ate, it didn't fit the bill. I could have eaten the kitchen table - if it had been covered in chocolate! I fought hard - I tried one square of dark chocolate that I had vaguely remembered seeing at the back of the ingredients cupboard - God knows how old but it didn't matter. I had another. Then a cup of tea in the hope that it would fill me up. It didn't. I tried concentrating on writing my book. I did at least avoid the biscuits.
Things got worse. We were having roast chicken for supper. I am trying not to fall into the trap of cooking separately for myself and the rest of the family, just adjusting what I eat with it. Now one of my favourite indulgences is a hot chicken skin sandwich - crispy, salty and dripping with butter. Mmmm. Heaven. The children don't even like chicken skin - it's criminal! I peeled it off and threw it to the surprised, delighted and certainly not complaining, dog - but not before eating some. I am really, really sorry. If roast chicken's could talk, it would have been saying, "eat me, eat me - don't waste the skin!" I had to obey. It was DELICIOUS.
Anyway, I was feeling guilty and cross with myself but I have to accept that I am not perfect - tomorrow will be better.
The scales are bound to punish. We shall see.
E xx

Day 9 A purpose in life

15st 1lb. Wow! Now, let's not get too excited. I was still 15st 3lb yesterday morning and, to be honest, expect to be 15st 2lb tomorrow. The reason for a 2lb loss in one day is because I barely ate - not something I'd recommend. The thing is my food consumption when I am working is directly related to the level of responsibility involved. When I am baking in a relaxed fashion, as I have said before, I have a natural inclination to lick out the bowl and eat all the broken off bits when I am cutting up traybakes. However, catering for a wedding is a different matter. From 6am yesterday morning until 11pm last night, I had ultimate responsibility to ensure that the bride and groom got what they wanted - this means I am totally focussed on ensuring the day (and all the food)runs smoothly. I am never hungry on these days so I make myself eat breakfast before I go and then rarely eat again until I get home. Last night I was too tired even to do that. Hence, big weight loss. Anyway, it was a perfect village wedding - quite unconventional but really pretty and achingly romantic.

Today, I have had a relaxed day, partly enforced by the wet weather which meant I couldn't garden or clean the car (first one I love, second I hate but it is a skip on wheels and urgently needs a make over). I took the dog for a walk (in the drizzle and feeling sanctimonious) and contemplated the feeling of joy that has been in my life for the past week or so. I concluded that it is because I have a sense of control and, more importantly I think, a sense of purpose. I listened to a really interesting piece on the radio (www.bbc.co.uk/radio4)last week about a 1976 Langer & Rodin study which had shown that giving control over small things in the lives of some elderly residents in a nursing home, had prolonged their lives. I have had a distinct purpose in my life - the one to improve my health (not that being a mother, partner, even just myself, isn't a purpose). When my business went into administration two years ago, after a long period of anxiety and a feeling of utter helplessness, I felt I had lost who I was - my reason for being. It was a tremendously difficult time in my life and the change in circumstance was a difficult adjustment. I think you need to feel purpose, reason or a level of achievability to thrive. Worthlessness is such a negative, destructive feeling and I think many people with weight problems feel they are not so deserving of the success, happiness and other such positives that someone with higher self esteem may take as a given. Time to get out of the negative wheel and feel good about the good things we do in our lives!

Another week starting tomorrow - where did the last one go?

Day 7 End of week 1

15st 3lb. Well, what a week! I am well chuffed. It hasn't even been too hard for a change. This talking to yourself (with the prospect of others reading it) is doing me some good. Now I know 5lb might seem like a lot in one week but, I am a big lass and it is my first week - I am not crash dieting, just cutting out the sugar excess - next week I have no doubt that my losses will be less but my aim is to get to a straight 15 stone. God, the thought of being in the 14's for the first time in over two years is a great one!

My ever loving, tolerant partner is not understanding this blogging business - he is a Dales farmer through and through and I must confess to being a little surprised when I discovered he could use a computer at all and that he had an internet connection (albeit dial-up). He is a gem and comes out with some classics. He is always saying I am beautiful as I am (although I was 4 stone lighter when we started seeing each other, so I suspect he found me attractive then too) and that he hates skinny women. His nightly comment at the moment is that, if my bum gets too small, he'll be moving out - believe me, he's here for the long run! However, last night he came out with a lovely one - he said I had a perfectly proportioned body and a classic hour glass figure. I was almost tempted to believe him and smiled bashfully - then he added, "it's just that yours is a two hour glass, love!"

Men, you've got to love 'em!

Off to bed now after a long but happy day. Won't be checking in tomorrow as I am catering for the wedding. Praying for the rain to stop - forecast not bad so here's hoping.

Back on Sunday,

E xx

Day 6 Busy, busy day

15st 4lb. I should be a waif! I was up before 7 this morning to catch up with the ironing - it may sound sad but none of us had anything left to wear and I was sick of whinging children. I am a very efficient washer and hanger on the line, but not at getting any further. Since then I have dashed from one arrangement to another without time to even glance at the papers or sit down (until now!). It would be interesting to see how much ground I cover on such days - although I know from experience that simply being on your feet all day is not the same as healthy exercise. I also have to be careful when very busy as I am inclined to grab snacks (lots of them).

Food wise I am happy with myself. My Dad came up for the day and we had a chicken pie for lunch that I had made yesterday for a photo shoot for my cook book - it would have looked a little odd had I eaten something different so I did loads of veg and piled my plate with them so that my tiny bit of pie didn't stand out. I made an apricot brioche pudding for them and just didn't eat any - no one seemed to notice or at least, didn't pass comment. Tea was on the run as I was on my way out to a meeting so I grilled some bacon for a sandwich.

I have issues with my Dad and my weight. He definitely doesn't like me being fat and finds it difficult not to comment - which leads to self esteem problems when I am in his company (it does not help that my two step sisters are both very pretty and slim). Today, however, he didn't mention my weight - just said that the cat was too fat! He is no twinkle toes himself I might add, with a natural penchant for puddings and cream!

I have decided to try to cut down bread. I love it and it is so convenient. However, I fall back on it too easily for a quick fix meal. Maybe smelling bread coming out of the oven yet not eating it, would have the same effect as the gazing at a cake method of weight loss that I mentioned yesterday. If I further punished myself by eating a grapefruit whilst sniffing the bread, I should lose loads!

As soon as life calms down a bit, I am going to get more organised and look at a few diet regimes etc. Tomorrow is the end of my first week. First time in a long time I've managed anything like a week. Good girl.

E xx

Day 5 too knackered to write much!

15st 4lb. The perfect start to the day - must play tennis again!

Been working all day cooking and not eating it. Thankfully some very lovely people made me the most fantastic salad which we actually managed to eat in their garden - salads are just so much more palatable when the sun is shining.

According to the newspaper yesterday, we are supposed to gaze at pictures of sumptuous cakes whilst sticking our feet in cold water to help us to lose weight - sounds even more batty than most of the magic diet tricks!

Anyway, bed beckons having been on my feet all day but with no aerobic exercise whatsoever.

More tomorrow.
E xx

Day 4 In which I become a blog bore

15st 6lb. I am in serious danger of turning from an "I hate myself", fattie bore into a blogging, dieting bore! It is very wierd, but, since I started doing this (even if no one is reading it) I have felt happier, more confident and full of energy.

Other than for vanity/self esteem issues, I have never explained exactly why I am dieting. In reality it is because my health is starting to be a problem. I am 44 and look bleakly at the future. I have a dreadful leg - a combination of a bad fall, bad veins and poor circulation. I have been to the consultant 18 months ago and he said I needed to lose weight before he could do anything for me and he wanted to see me in 6 months. I phoned to postpone the appointment explaining to the secretary that I hadn't lost the weight he required - and she put it back by 4 weeks - I needed another 6 months! I think he was looking for a little more than the 3lb I offered. Suffice to say, I have since postponed again.

To compound the issue, I hurt my knee a few weeks ago (don't go on the whirly thing on Bridlington sea front!) and have cartiledge damage - Sod is a busy guy so of course it's the knee on my good leg. Sense would tell me that putting such pressure on my poor old knees is not helping.

Add to that the fact that my breathing isn't great and any sane person would conclude that action is needed.

Now, other things to get straight. I know that certain organisations tell you that diet, sin, naughty, treat, etc, are forbidden words - we are not dieting, we are "changing our eating habits", or "altering the way we look at food" - no, I am dieting. I will diet for the rest of my life, even when I achieve my goal (note the when!). Another thing, I am putting my weight loss experience into a blog, not giving dieting advice - I am in no way qualified and just do what works for me.

So, what did I do that was positive today? Well, I am lucky enough to have my daughter's boyfriend (Ben"relentless"Smith - www.benjaminmiguel.webs.com) staying. I had carelessly mentioned that I liked tennis and he offered to take me to the tennis courts for some coaching and exercise (I meant Wimbledon, strawberries, Pimms, etc). So, more public humiliation. Can I take it? Go on then, what's to lose (other than the tiny shred of remaining dignity?) I LOVED IT. He gave me over an hour of patient coaching and I was flushed and glowing (ok, red and sweaty) at the end of it, but by no means embarrassed or feeling like a failure. I can't wait to go again!

All in all, an excellent day.
E xx

Day 3 Get thee behind me, Satan!

15st 7lb. Got on the scales at 7am, no loss. Moved the scales a few feet. Still no loss. Tried another position. Still no loss. Now, had I lost a pound, I would have jumped off quickly with glee and shoved the scales back in the cupboard before they could reclaim it. Am I mad or are all dieters like this?

Had Weetabix and skimmed milk for breakfast. And a plum. Doing well so far.

Went to work. Sadly for my body, I am a cook and today I was baking. I once said to my mother that there was nothing more satisfying in life than watching a cake rise - she, quite rightly, told me to get a life. However, I stand by the principle that baking is a satisfying pasttime - light as air cakes, gooey chocolate brownies, sticky parkin - ah, the aromas, textures and of course, the tastes. There is something automatic about lifting the spoon from bowl to mouth with that last dollop of cake mixture - I don't even know I'm doing it. As one of five children, there was always a cry of "you licked the bowl last time" as my mother baked in the kitchen - maybe it's because there's no contest now that it seems criminal to waste the treat.

This morning I very consciously baked and then immediately immersed the bowl in soapy water. So sad but so necessary. Weight watchers would be proud of me.
So, I'm feeling quite pleased with myself. Two pieces of toast with sugar on for lunch - not ideal I know but I was at work and in a hurry (and surrounded by cakes!).

I work alone on a Monday and have plenty of time to think. This morning's ponderings included why it has taken me so many false starts to get dieting. Now, my conclusion may seem like the most pathetic excuse you have ever heard not to diet, but here goes. I think it's because I have such a fear of going to all the effort to lose the weight in the first place, just to put it all on again. Will I stay on the endless treadmill of loss/gain? In my heart of hearts, I know that I will not be able to resist cake mixture, fresh bread, marshmallow krispie, creamy sauces and loads more calorie laden delights, for the rest of my life. I am just not that disciplined.

Will the new svelte body that I crave, stave off temptation? I hope so.

E xx

Sunday. Rewards for being a good girl!

15st 7lb. Wow, a pound off! Reward for being good all day yesterday. I went to the barbeque (excellent fun evening) ate fab salads and meat and didn't eat a pudding - there were 4 on offer - Banoffe Pie, pavlova, profiteroles or Baileys cheesecake - I could have scoffed all four but I stayed firmly in my seat and had yet another glass of Pimms instead.

Yesterday was interesting. I felt fantastic. Positive, energised and happy. I even felt thinner! Three people said I looked well and I believed them (usually I take that as a polite way of saying I look overweight - you definitely have less wrinkles when your face is fatter). I put this new found enthusiasm down to doing something positive to change myself. Now, let's not get carried away. I have on numerous occasions succeeded in being enthusiastic about dieting for a few days (many, many more times fallen before lunch on day 1) but this time I feel that writing it down might help. The blog diet - so busy writing, you haven't got time to eat!

I also didn't take a fat pill and am hoping I can get by without them. Orlistat (or OilyCrap, as my dietitian friend so charmingly calls them) do not suppress your appetite, they just stop your body absorbing fat. So, if you are stupid enough to eat more than 5g of fat in a meal - a very tiny bit - then the fat turns to oil which even the tightest little buttocks could not contain - delightful thought! As I said before, I did take them when I had a big weight loss last time and they worked wonders - the thought of publicly losing control of myself was worse even than publicly declaring my weight. I never tested their effectiveness. However, you have to be in the right frame of mind or you can find ways to cheat, which is why they have not worked for me since (sugar, my Achilles heel, is not fat when eaten but efficiently turns to blubber around my rear end).

Anyway, breakfast of yoghurt, muesli and honey this morning then off to church with a spring in my step feeling holier than thou before I set foot in the building - god knows how sanctimonious I would have been if I'd forced down a grapefruit!
Sunday lunch of roast beef, no Yorkshire pud for me (not even tempted by the most perfect Yorkshires I have made in months!), loads of fresh veg and strawberries for pud (a little sugar, no cream).

Need to walk the dog but its August, feels like November and I am not feeling quite that perfect yet!

Happy dieting! E x

day 1

Still 15st 8lb which is no surprise as I only started this diet yesterday. The weight-loss fairy did not appear in the night, which is basically my ideal way to lose the pounds. If it was easy, we'd all be thin.

A bit about me. I was a thin child, healthily slim teenager and throughout my
20's. I stayed on the right side of healthy after my first two children and was around 12st7lb after my third. My problems started in my mid thirties when I opened a deli, making all our own food, cakes, puds, etc. In reality, I did not need to quality check every tray of chocolate brownies, honey nut flapjack, almond slice - but I did! Within a year, I was not far short of 16st where I stayed, give or take a stone, for the next 5 years. I hated myself and had very low self esteem.

Four years ago, when I hit 40, I decided that I didn't want to be fat and 40 - it was time to lose my post-baby weight - afterall, the youngest was 6 (years old, not months!). I was prescribed Orlistat from the doctor which I took for about 6 weeks, after which nothing would have stopped me. I lost 4 stones in 4 months and felt on cloud 9 - I could go into any shop and pick up a size 14, knowing with confidence that it would fit me. I felt worthy of living in the world and I positively strutted! I stayed just under 12 stone for almost a year, without too much difficulty, which for my
5ft7" height was acceptable.

Then my business hit financial difficulties and life was very stressful. Some people hit a stressful period in their lives and weight just falls off them - me, I go straight for sugar. By pass sensible eating - it's biscuits, cakes, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate. More self loathing. More chocolate. Hamster wheel. I was soon back up to 16 stone and as miserable as ever.

Basically, happy, sad, stressed, relaxed - whatever the mood, chocolate will do the job!

Anyway, better get on with the day. Going shopping with my girls so will have to think about lunch before I go. I dread my three gorgeous girls picking up my insecurities and obsessions.

Barbeque with friends tonight so will take a fat pill and probably drink too much (no fat in wine!)

E xx

first time I've ever blogged

I am a self confessed foodie - I love to cook, eat and drink. Taking wonderful smelling food out of the oven is one of life's delights. I am more than a little podgy - to put it politely!

However, enough is enough. I woke up this morning weighing 15st 8lb, filled with my usual degree of self loathing and thought, hum, time to stop.

I do this fairly regularly and start every day filled with determination. Sometimes I even make it passed breakfast. Occasionally lunch. Very occasionally supper. On incredibly rare occasions I go to bed with the sensation of hunger. Today, I took a fat pill (prescribed by the doctor almost a year ago) so that, in theory, I can't cheat - yet it's amazing how much sugar this sweet toothed woman can shovel down whilst avidly avoiding fat, kidding myself that I'm not cheating!

I excel in the art of self deprecation. I cannot accept a compliment. I feel my whole life will change for the better if only I could be slimmer. The sad fact is that I am a reasonably intelligent woman who thinks I am solely judged (negatively) by my figure. I truly believe that I walk into a room and everyone feels sorry for me because I am fat - how sad am I! I am a really positive person - with everyone else's life. I would never accept anyone putting themself down the way I do myself. Apart from anything else, it is so boring!

So, the time has come to take the bull by the horns. I am going to daily post my weight and events in the hope that public shaming will help. I will relate my little stories of a long term weight battle and see how we go.

Wish me luck x