Ok, Ok - I've been avoiding you!

14st 5lb. Yes, I did return from Derbyshire on Saturday but have avoided you ever since. The reason is at the start. I am so disappointed in myself and have been so down right miserable that I haven't wanted to pick up the laptop and talk.

So, back a week. Off to Derbyshire on a windy, wet morning with the Dale in full, incredible flood. However, we were in fairly high spirits and happy to tackle the elements. We were in no hurry to get anywhere so stopped for coffee en route - I had a cappuccino (working on the probably misguided principle that it is less harmful than a latte) and no accompanying biscuit or scone. Then I challenged his nib's attire and suggested popping in to Meadowhall to get a new outfit. Not happy. He bought a pair of new trousers, a shirt and a new jumper to go to Paris - why does he need anything new? I point out that Paris was 3 years ago and he looks scruffy. Matters do not improve when we get in, select a jumper and shirt and realise that it is the first day of the Debenhams sale and the queue is ridiculous. I stood my ground thinking that, as it is the nearest he has been to a till in 3 years, we will stick it out. I won. We met a lovely couple in the queue who live near Chatsworth - they give a recommendation for the best restaurant in the area, which I tucked away for later digestion.

We went out for lunch in Sheffield and, again, I was good and only had a bowl of soup. We had a lovely hour or so at Weston Park museum (highly recommended if you have children) and then found the hotel. It was perfectly adequate, very clean, well situated near the Ladybower reservoir and had a good pub menu for dinner (I had salmon -still good). There were some good shortish walks which we did every morning before breakfast. We met a lovely couple over dinner who recommended two really good museums in which to really find out about Sheffield's industrial heritage (such a coincidence - the chap's favourite programme is "How it's made" aswell - I was thrilled!). On Thursday we went to Chatsworth (soup again in the farm shop restaurant) and booked to go for dinner at the recommended East Lodge in Rowsley. Unbeknown to his nibs, I had packed a wrap dress that I haven't worn since I was slim. I decided to take the plunge and surprise him so I faffed around in the bathroom doing hair, make up, underwear, etc and then slipped on the dress with vertiginous heels - and was not unhappy with what I saw in the mirror. He was delighted and very flattering (I wondered if we would make dinner). All in all, Ms Sexy Slinky Slimming Woman was ready for dinner with the newly Mr Sprucie Brucie in his new outfit. As I turned to walk out of the door, he says, "Do you know you've got a big ladder up the back of your tights?" Bugger. Bugger. Bugger.

I wore jeans (with a lovely top). We had a wonderful meal and a really romantic, lovely evening.

On Friday we went in search of museums but, sadly, they were both closed. Sheffield's Industrial Heritage will have to wait.

On Saturday, we set off home via Harrogate and Jack Wills - I swear that shop is full of bewildered mothers wondering how on earth they are being persuaded to part with so much money for so little.

On Sunday, I had promised to take my two youngest Christmas shopping but, as I have no more money, I let them go off on their own whilst I dawdled round Sainsbury's buying essentials and feeling the descendence of the cloud of gloom. There is nothing more depressing than shopping when you have no money. The little grey cloud has been hovering over my head ever since with its incessant misery shrouding me. My head - I am a failure/can't even stick to a diet/can't think of what to do with my life/"16 years ago you had a house, car that worked, good job"/thrown it all away - doom, doom and more doom. Not even the thought that I should be grateful I don't live in Workington/Cockermouth/Keswick has jerked me out of the mood.

However, light at the end of the tunnel! You lot! Lovely messages & emails. Support. Tips. Websites. Other blogs. You are great! I can't stop now and sink back to where I was. I must get back - again!

I have to sort my life out (which really means my work life and, therefore, my financial well being). Just wish I knew where to start.

Two days of cleaning, writing (I will do the last chapter of the book and remove that little niggle) and sorting out paperwork. I will walk again - it seems like forever since I had a good walk (it isn't - it just feels like it). Then, I'm off to Cornwall to see Mum and Gran on Thursday night so the cliffs beckon.

Thanks everyone!

E xx