Serious Subject Sunday - addiction

I have a confession to make. My mother will kill me when she reads this, but I have not resisted temptation today. I have been weak.

Firstly, I had a cup of tea in my hand at the same time as there happened to be a plate of flapjack in front of me. I can't even say it was a subconscious act to take the sticky, honeyed flapjack off the plate, dip it in my tea and lift the divine soggy mass to my mouth. No, I did it knowing full well it was naughty. Now, if it had stopped there, it wouldn't have been too bad - but it didn't. I knew I was going to be busy at work today so I had made a big pork pie for lunch to cheer my poorly partner up (he has "flu") and served it with mushy peas, creamy mashed potatoes and gravy. I put a little spoon of mash on my plate with lots of cauliflower, some peas and a little gravy and then, almost as an after thought, a very small piece of pie. Still not a hanging offence. However, for pud I had made chocolate sponge with chocolate custard and vanilla icecream. I had a banana......until everyone had left the table, I had done the washing up and made a cup of tea - then I had a lovely bowl of richly chocolately pudding with hot sauce poured over icecream. God, it was soooo GOOD! But really, really naughty. This afternoon I peeled and chopped 20kg of carrots as penance - and resisted a KitKat that was screaming at me from the shelves at work.

My halo is tarnished. I will try harder.

Anyway, it's Serious Subject Sunday today and this one has been on my mind for a while. I have heard a couple of items on the radio in the last couple of weeks that have made me consider how situations that, on the surface are totally different, have similarities. A couple of weeks ago there was an interview on the radio with a mature celebrity in which she was discussing her alcohol dependency. It was really interesting to listen to her discussing how, over the years, she had resolved on so many occasions to stop drinking and failed. She loathed herself during this time. A number of years ago now, I knew a young man who was sent to prison for drink driving. He was desperately unhappy about his inability to stop drinking even though he was aware that he was ruining his life. On the face of it he had the world at his feet - young, good looking, pleasant personality, good job but slowly he went from casual drinking to having a serious drink problem. At the time, I was about 15 stone and very unhappy. Every morning I resolved to take control. Virtually every morning I would fail. He was the same with his drinking. We had a number of discussions about getting our lives in order and being stronger.

Another discussion on the radio this week was about personal debt. There was a woman who had got into huge debt (hundreds of thousands of pounds) due to uncontrollable spending. She knew it was wrong and would promise herself not to do it anymore but then would go out in her lunch hour and spend thousands of pounds. All on credit. The buzz she got from spending would rarely last until she got back to work. Now I don't have a problem with spending - I haven't got any money and it wouldn't appeal to me to run up debt even if I could but, I do suffer from the same degree of lack of control, just in a different field.

Last Christmas, I had a major disagreement with our vicar, when she suggested that my determination to help someone battling an addiction problem was actually me trying to avoid addressing my own. I was furious - in my opinion I was just being a "good samaritan", as we are encouraged to be. However, when I thought about it, other than just being a good friend, I wanted to help make this person's life better, to boost her self esteem and try to make her see that she had a lot to live for. I could understand her inability to control her own addiction, only because of my inability to take control of my eating and consequent impact on my health. Although I am loathe to admit it, my vicar was in many respects, right.

The discussion on the radio basically said that many alcohol and drug related problems stem from low self esteem and lack of confidence as well as circumstance. Ignorance plays a big part in weight related issues but I am certain if you questioned overweight people, you would find that they all suffered from low self esteem and self image. The issues are the same. It's just that alcohol and drug abuse are less socially acceptable and destruction of health and well being are in most instances, more immediate. The main difference is perhaps that many weight related problems result in low self esteem whereas drug and alcohol problems are initiated by it. Anyway, I am batting way beyond my ability here but all I really mean is addiction whether it be to drugs, alcohol, gambling or food need to be treated with a degree of compassion and understanding and that the bull can only be taken by the horns by the person with the problem when they are ready.

Unfortunately I must go to bed as I need to be in work at 5am tomorrow. My peace has been shattered by my partner coming in from the pub and putting the life history of Abba on the television - "Waterloo" is not great for concentration!!

I doubt I'll make it tomorrow as I'll be at work until late tomorrow night.

Good week coming up!

E xx