On the pills

Started the pills.....and grumpy! Attitude goes along way and I seem to have been at odds with myself all day and as a result, nothing has gone right. Bruce is amazed, my colleagues are amused and the children openly laughing as I have had my first not perfect day at work. I made stupid mistakes and should have been able to do far more than I did without asking for help.

Then I got home and started a risotto with roast chicken for the children (they had friends too). Softened onion, red peppers and mini leeks in olive oil and poured in the rice. Thought it smelt a bit odd before realising that I'd used pudding rice instead of arborio. Now I know you can make rice pud with arborio but not so sure about the other way round. Rather than risk the only veg I had, I picked it all out into another pan and started again. Not happy, especially when I had to pick out a small spoonful before putting in all the lovely, melting mature cheddar. Anyway, it went down well enough (I had salmon - delicious).

To make my day worse, my lovely friend on the liquid diet has lost another 6lbs in the past week and has now lost 3st 4lb in 9 weeks. I want that diet!!! I am sure I couldn't stick with the very harsh regime and the no solid food rule, but, possibly having seen her morph into this gorgeous being (she was before, just bigger) I could be pursuaded...if I had the money. I do admire her resilience and her stamina.

Anyway, diet good. Mood bad. Tomorrow is another day. Going to bed early with "Cutting For Stone" - one of the best books I've read in ages.

E xx

Progress - kind of!

14st 7lb. So that's 5lb off in a week. Fantastic. I'm now back to the weight I was in, ooooh, I can't be bothered to look but I suspect November! Anyway, back on the road. Went to the docs today - when I rang to see if I could have a repeat prescription, they suggested that maybe a two year gap was a bit long so I had to go in. He was great and agreed with my admission that I am just not making progress, as I have NO self discipline. I need a kick start.
On Saturday night, I went to hear an Irish band in the village hall (there were two of them - one from Darlington and the other from Doncaster!) and sat next to a lovely friend who I haven't seen since Christmas. OH MY GOD! She looked stunning. She's a strikingly attractive woman anyway but she looked fantastic. Glowing, healthy skin. Finely honed cheekbones. Massive smile. She says she feels utterly brilliant for the first time in years (her husband seemed to think she was a bit of a sex pot as well - VERY attentive!). She has lost 3 stone in 7 weeks. She hasn't had solid food in the whole time and can't have any for another few weeks yet. She's doing the LighterLife diet which is liquid only (judging by her healthy looks, it must be vitamin enhanced). It is an investment (it's expensive) but, if you can afford it and it changes your life, it must be worth it. I suppose you are meant to be so delighted with the new you that introducing food again means you'll do it sensibly to maintain the new you. However, I can remember how I felt when I had lost weight 5 years ago and how I vowed never to put it back on but the lure of the "naughties" beat my resolve. It's a trial. It's tempting to say that "it's not natural", "a quick fix", "not teaching you good habits" - but looking at her lovely smiling happy face and you would find it hard to criticise.

Oh, and when I said that if I could afford it, I would be tempted to give it a try, she replied that I couldn't because you had to be obese and have at least 5 stone to lose, so I wouldn't qualify. Hah, I've always suspected I look thinner than I am!!! I could lose 5 stone obviously and still be in a "healthy" weight - I would look ill but be clinically healthy!

So, on with the pills. Cheating in theory I know but they don't actually magically make you lose weight, just stop you being able to eat fat ie cut out temptation.

Bruce has started lambing so can't take Lucy in the mornings - walking is my responsibility for a while. Good. My fitness is rock bottom (and sadly, my bottom isn't like rock).

E xx

I dropped off the wagon

Hi anyone who is still there! I am sorry not to have blogged for a while - for starters, my laptop decided to conk out and had to go off to the magic man to be mended. It came back last night - with 67 emails for me to catch up on!



Also, I have been so crap at dieting for so long now that I thought you couldn't possibly still be with me!

So, last time I blogged, I was jogging at 6.45am. Was I ill? Had I taken metabolic rate boosting tablets/drunk Red Bull/taken speed? No, none of those. Sadly, my massive energy boost died after 7 days (which, for me, was impressive). However, back to positivity now - more later. That was a good week, culminating in going to Sheffield to stay with friend from school days. You would not believe the things I did which were totally out of character. I arrived on Friday night, having driven straight from work without incident (but not without customary sweeties, latte, crisps, etc on the journey - friend had mentioned being on a diet too so I think I was afraid I was to be starved!). Anyway, I parked the car and was whizzed off without even going into the house.....to the Health Club. Panic not. It was for a charity fund raiser for Water Aid as my friend and her gym bunnies are rowing across the Atlantic in tandem with a local father and son team who are doing it for real. By the end of the evening, I was standing in front of a group of people I had never met, singing an improvised version of "Row, row, row your boat" with words of support for the rowing team. Embarrassed? You bet! Anyway, we won! (a bottle of champagne that my friend had donated).
Having stayed up too late drinking too much red wine, I was surprised to find myself in a swimming pool doing lengths by 8.45am on Saturday morning. I swam up and down in the slow lane going clockwise. After a few lengths of irritatingly (and surprisingly) catching up with the people in front (it was an over-80's group....kidding!) I decided to be brave and dip under the ropes into the medium lane. After four lengths of getting increasingly frustrated at the arrogant woman who refused to move out of the way each time she met me ("alright, I'll swim round you if I must!) I realised that you go anti-clockwise in the middle lane. Choking with amusement (and exhaustion at having to keep up the pace) I apologised profusely as we passed. After 30 lengths (1/2 mile) I went for a well earned steam room relax. Silence as I walked in. Fairly full. Very hot. The clash of abundant flesh onto wet, warm marble, gave out the loudest, fartiest noise you could not replicate if you wanted to prove it wasn't actually a bodily function. I did the expected "oops, sorry, wet seat" and collapsed in humiliated giggles in the corner. Christ, I was supposed to be still in bed!
By the time we got back to the house at midday, I was ready for a sleep - so much exercise, so little fitness! We laughed, gossipped and generally had a totally revitalising, fun weekend. Thanks Gigi.
When I got back I was still keen to run each morning - until the Wednesday when I couldn't face getting up and going out in the cold. It's gone by the wayside.
So, to date. I'm afraid I decided that I am not doing this diet thing very well (to put it mildly) and am creeping the weight back on (or piling might be more apt). On Sunday morning I was 14st 12lb. BIG whoops. I go into hospital next month for my foam filler op and am going to be severely told off. So, I must confess, I have resorted to my fat pills. Confession. I'm back on the Orlistat (or at least I hope to continue as I only have enough for one week so hopefully the doc will re prescribe). If I take them, I have to behave. I can eat no fat. I could eat sugar without unpleasant side effects but I'm not going to. So far, 3 days without problems and without a single naughty bit of food.
Time to get this show on the road. Again. For real. Cheating a bit I feel, but essential.
Back on the blog. Let me know how you're doing.
Love
Exx

HaHa...the pedometer is dodgy!

Speedy blog as I am absolutely knackered.

I just wanted to let you know that I went on my little run this morning (I think over a third is jogged now) with the pedometer and it showed 0.91 miles - I knew it!!! It needs to be carefully placed and in my haze yesterday, it obviously wasn't put on the right bit of my waistband. I shall now try tomorrow and see what it says.

I have had a really busy day at work, viewing lovely properties with some lovely people (I am so lovely at the mo, aren't I?!) but its exhausting smiling, chatting encouragingly and being enthusiastic. I had the usual breakfast and then made a batch of carrot & coriander soup for working lunch (with 3 dates). We all had a pork chop with lots of veggies for supper.

Continuing on the right track.

E xx

just had to post!

I am such an annoyingly positive, happy person (I'm not sure who I am annoying, but it must get someone!). It is so out of character for me - all this routine, planning, positivity - it surely must end soon. Today I was so busy at work, utterly engrossed and pre-occupied, that I forgot lunch - repeat, forgot lunch! It doesn't happen to me. I ended up eating a pear en route to meet a client. By the time I got home I was famished and could have eaten a horse (or Mum's fat pup) but I made a rocket (yes, I'm using it up!), avocado and prawn salad with a piece of brown bread (no butter).

I got up again this morning and went out for my run/walk with fat Polly. I took my pedometer which hasn't left the bathroom shelf for many months. I worked on the principle that 15/20 minutes of speedy run-walking, must warrant at least a mile. I got back in and excitedly checked the dial - 0.41 miles - what!! I am sure it's wrong and will test again tomorrow. The best thing about this little exercise spurt, is that if I feel like I am about to nick something tasty, I question what is the point of forcing myself up in the morning to go out in the cold, dark morning if I am then going to eat more naughty calories than I could possibly have burned. However, the distance thing set me thinking that, in actual fact, it doesn't really matter how far it is, the important thing is that I come back in feeling great - alive and ready for action. My skin is glowing - amazing, isn't it, what you can achieve in 3 days - I should bottle and sell it! So, if the distance run doesn't matter, does the same principle apply to the scales? Surely it does. If my waistband is less tight, top of my trouser leg looser and chins less wattle-like, does it matter what I actually weigh? I would say not. I appreciate that from a health/BMI point of view, actual weight is important, but in reality, a good body shape and healthy size (a 14 in my case would be nice) then that, to me, is most crucial.

However, I will weigh myself on Monday - but hope not to be demoralised.

Still positive!

E xx

Crikey, it's been a week!

However, quite a good week and getting better.

I am now working full time in the same job and enjoying the strange sensation of being "normal". I woke up on Saturday morning, pottered round sorting washing and then set off to Northallerton for an optician's appointment. I have ordered a pair of glasses which look quite nice - or at least until I get them back with lenses in and I hate them, like I have every other pair I've ever owned. My youngest wears specs and really suits them - and really loves them too, which is good. I have never liked them but feel the need for a safety net if ever I can't wear my lenses. After the opticians, I went to Homebase and bought paint for the kitchen. In October, our boiler was removed from the wall in the kitchen, leaving an area of bare plaster. I don't know what it is other than familiarity, but, when it was first removed, I was horrified at the mess. A couple of months of inertia later and, to be honest, I didn't even notice it. Anyway, on Saturday I decided to get it sorted. I got home (in sunny weather) and washed the car for the first time in over a year and then painted most of the kitchen. It looks great and I felt knackered but satisfied.

Doesn't the above sound comfortingly mundane? Yes. It is. I am a normal working person with a routine. I love it.

Anyway, diet. Still not facing the scales but.....I will by Monday next. I have taken myself in hand. I have mother's overweight dog staying for a fortnight and his nibs won't take a stunted rotweiller-look a like on the farm. As I am out all day, I have to take her out before work. So I have been getting up at 6.45am, pulling on my trackies and trainers and going for a run!!! Well, a kind of run/walk/run/walk. Just a quick 20 minutes round the fields and I come in, eat a healthy breakfast of homemade muesli with fruit and then do a few bits and pieces and set off out for the day. I take lunch to work (yesterday ratatouille, today a rocket, pear and prawn salad) and have a sensible supper (yesterday same salad as today's lunch, today salmon and cous cous). This fabulous routine has been in place for all of two days but, I am feeling buzzy and good in myself and hopeful....again! I feel so good all morning after going out early but I do hate getting out of bed in the first place - especially as it is starting to forecast a bit of snow again - it's bloody cold!

So, weight next Monday. I am off to see an old school friend (she's not old) for the weekend. I haven't seen her for a few years so there'll be lots of gossip and I suspect lots of wine on the menu. She has just informed me we are booked into the gym first thing Saturday morning so good start. Really looking forward to it.

Positive thinking.

E xx

stress and diets don't mix

Well, it was my first day as a full timer and it felt rather strange, but nicely so, to think that I am now a "normal" person for the first time in years - going off to work to the same place every morning, working for someone else and, most importantly, I will be earning a wage on a regular basis. I am really excited about this new chapter.

Anyway, I got off to a great start and had a stimulating, interesting and informative day. On the diet front (which I am sure is going to be good) I had porridge (the usual - made with water, mixed seeds and brown sugar added at the end but today I sweetened with 2 chopped up dates instead) for breakfast, a really unpleasant Weight Watchers pasta bake for lunch (rushing out of house without having made soup) and there was a chicken ready in the "on timer" oven when I got in from work. The children had peeled veg and got them started so, within 1/2 hour of walking in the door, we were all around the table with a roast dinner and a happy, chatty mood. I had a pear for pudding. All going well.

Then came a challenging telephone conversation, the details of which are irrelevant but, suffice to say, I came off the phone feeling a level of stress and frustration that has been unfamiliar of late. I immediately felt the urge to eat sugar - if there had been a box of chocs left from Christmas, I would have devoured them at one sitting. As it was, I had a slice of toast with a thin slither of butter and a sprinkle of sugar. WHAT!!! I know. What is it about misery/stress/anger that makes me reach for sweetness? There must be a reason. Not just psychological. It's physical need. Is it chemical? Why don't I feel the urge to punch something instead (a legitimate punchbag, not a partner or the dog!). I don't know but my conclusion is that one slice of toast isn't the end of the world, just avoid stressful phone calls in future!

So, tidy clothes and a positive smile again tomorrow! I love my job!!!

E xx
PS Well aware that there is a little batch of numbers missing from the top left hand corner of this blog - will dust down the scales soon but I know by my waist band, that it's not good enough to face the scales yet

last day as a cook

So, my time as the cook at the Auction Mart is over. I feel quite sad as I have really enjoyed it and will miss many aspects of it. As Sally, a commenter on this blog, said yesterday - "you can't take the caterer out of the girl"- I would agree. I am born to nurture and feed. I have said on many occasions, I love to gather people together and stuff them full of gorgeous, comforting food. However, I do think I am going to enjoy cooking again and hopefully, have a mess with a few recipes and styles. When I have had a day cooking at work, I don't feel like turning to and producing something beautiful for the family supper. I am hoping this is going to change - at least at weekends, if I have time between washing, ironing, cleaning etc - how do people work fulltime and run a house and family? Fun times ahead!

I am so tired my eyes are struggling to stay open. I was going to debate diet pills and their damage but I can't stay awake long enough. Suffice to say, we need a healthy balanced diet without the addition of chemicals, additives and other such unnatural things - keep off them and try harder.

The Davina DVD was great - I managed 11 minutes before collapsing in a chair exhausted - and 7 minutes of that time was the warm up!!! Improvements to fitness are urgently needed. My body is sad (my dog is sad as well and not understanding this lack of walking boots and coat - much neglected pup).

See you tomorrow.
E xx

A guilty pleasure

I contemplated today whether there can be such a thing as a guilty pleasure. A sneaky glass of Baileys/handful of chocolates/bowl of cereal, etc. I don't think it can be a pleasure if it's guilty. You don't enjoy it. I really do have a problem with eating - it is very rarely a good experience as I know that I shouldn't be eating the food I'm eating. I am without discipline and self control. I keep thinking that I will be fine once I get to my new job full time (I only have this week to go at the Auction) but it shouldn't take that kind of change to spur me on my way.

The scales are in the cupboard getting dusty. I can't face them as I know it's bad news. However, today I went to the Metro Centre with a group of 13 year olds for my daughter's birthday and, you won't believe this but, I bought an exercise DVD!!!! I stood infront of the shelf in W H Smiths contemplating which of the unfeasible looking routines would suit me - my daughters thought that a Ministry of Sound dance based one would be good but I am 44 and must be realistic. I thought about Hannah Waterman's top seller but, to be honest, although obviously she looks slim, there is something a little spooky about how she looks - it's the long thin neck. I also thought the girls might think it was a bit uncool. So, we have Davina. I am a little concerned that the sitting room is not large, I am and I like my china. Must not get carried away! Tomorrow I will get started and also plan a walk for the last time during working hours due to the fact that I start full time next week.

Last night I went out for dinner with my colleagues from work as my leaving do. It was such a good evening and I loved every minute. Although I am glad to be leaving catering, I am going to really miss the girls I work with - they have all been such a support to me, as well as being fun, full of gossip and good friends. I will miss them. The girls were all out when I got back from work so I treated myself to a long hot bath and actually took time to style my newly cut hair. Then I popped my head round Emily's bedroom door to see if she had some lens solution and spotted her makeup on the bed (very rare - its usually in her bag). It was a reverse of the little girl playing with Mummy's makeup - it was such fun to experiment with all her gorgeous glittery bright colours. I probably looked like a clown but I felt great and actually went out with a degree of confidence. The meal started well with the meal with a sea bass starter but then I had a wild mushroom, spinach and pinenut pasta dish - divine flavours. Very rich. Won't even think of the calories. At least I didn't have a pudding. It was all washed down with too much red wine and countless Baileys. My ample bosom was the focus of attention - it would appear that my colleagues (both male and female) only see me in an apron and seemed surprised at my very obvious decollete. There was much hilarity and teasing. No surprising that I had a thumping hangover and queasy stomach this morning. The Lord rewarded me for missing church in order to take daughter and friends shopping, by confining me in the car for one and a half hours with 4 over excited, raucous teenage girls. Wow, they can talk/shout/sing without hesitation....... interminably.
Suffice to say, I am ready for my bed. This IS going to be the week I start my new figure.......I don't expect you to believe me!

E xx

100th blog

This is my 100th time of writing - wow! And so little weight loss!!! It makes me smile at my incredible inadequacy. However, I'm really positive about the potential for success with my new job. I am still part time which is frustrating as I want to get my teeth into the job (rather than the chip fryer contents) - my healthy breakfast/soup lunch/restrained supper is really working well and I am sure I will see results as soon as it is permanent.

I have a stinking cold and, if I were a nice mummy, would be feeling really guilty. You see, eldest daughter, Emily, has had one for about 3 weeks now and the only acknowledgement I have made of this fact, is to ask her not to snivvel and sneeze near me. Two days into this cold, I am a pathetic, woe is me, miserable bag of snivvel. However, on the plus side, it is significantly better than it was yesterday.

Anyway, I have the right shape for being healthy as I have a fat arse and big legs - apparently this protects against heart disease and is a healthy shape to be. It doesn't seem to take into account the joints and how much they struggle to support the excess podge.

Another little nugget of information gleaned this week suggests that we are getting fat due to setting the central heating too high in the cold weather. Now this does make sense. Apparently we get too comfortable and lazy settled on the sofa watching the tv instead of moving round to keep warm and burn off energy. This is certainly true of me in the past few weeks - I love the snow to look at but am none too keen to set off out in it. I will definitely struggle to exercise until the nights draw out as it is dark at both ends of the day.

Tomorrow I am going to have my hair cut - I can stand it no more and have decided to try my adorable niece's skills. I will let you know how I get on tomorrow. A new me. Again.

E xx
PS I hope it doesn't take another 100 posts to lose the next couple of stones!

Emotion

There must be so many people who feel like I do. I feel so emotional but so useless. I watch the news and well up, seeing such misery and pain. I am, of course, thinking of Haiti. I have just watched a young woman being gently eased out of the rubble after 5 days - can you imagine 5 days of such fear? Such inability to change your situation? My chest is tight with emotion. I want to do more but don't know what, especially considering my job, dependents etc. One day I hope I can find the physical and emotional strength to be properly useful in such a disaster - I just want to feed and comfort those poor people. What frustrates me most is that I am so ill informed that I didn't know the plight of Haitians, even before this horror.

I am never going to buy the Daily Mail again. In the past 4 days, the Haiti earthquake has never warranted being higher than page 8. Today, fuel bills, Leona Lewis, Prince William and others, have been given a higher billing. It is an awful truth to realise that is where the Mail thinks its readers priorities lie. Even if it does supply a steady stream of dieting materials, I can no longer support such inanities.

The coffee morning in the Village Hall was great. We were busy from start to finish and raised £750 which will go to Christian Aid's Appeal. It was good to see smiling faces, chatting eagerly having been confined to barracks by the weather for the past few weeks. As we expect in this lovely village, everyone rallied with generosity to help raise funds for a good cause.

The snow has gone except around the edges of the fields and on the tops. It is good to be able to walk with confidence and not teeter round looking like my Gran. Now I just need lighter nights and I can stop making excuses for my lack of exercise.

Tomorrow is my middle babe's 13th birthday - the curls are tamed with GHD's but the smile and Minstrel-coloured eyes are the same (if enhanced by occasional flicks of mascara). I want her to have a happy day. I wonder if the Emma Bridgewater Union Jack doorstop in the shape of a cockerel was a good idea..................

E xx

Haiti - should I be worrying about my weight?

Looking at harrowing pictures of the devastation in Haiti, I feel a little shallow even contemplating my weight. However, just to bring you up to date (a bit briefly as busy - more in a minute) I have been really enjoying my new job and am finding food control easy so far. Yesterday I took a boiled egg, salad and banana.....and had indigestion all afternoon from the raw peppers (which I love but give me stomach ache) - well, at least, I think it was the peppers but it could be the fact that my waistband on my skirt is quite snug and I am sitting down all the time - I have a red wheal around my waist. Either an elastic waist or loss of an inch is called for. I left a chicken in the oven on timer for when I got in which worked well.
Today, I made some parsnip and celeriac soup BEFORE going to work which I had for lunch with an orange. Again, I set the timer for baked potatoes and a beef stew (made healthily) and had a yoghurt for pud. I am optimistic that I can crack it.
I am in a rush as trying to rally as many troups as possible for a COFFEE MORNING on Saturday 16th in ASKRIGG VILLAGE HALL in aid of the CHRISTIAN AID HAITI APPEAL. 10am kick off with raffle, cake stall, jumble, etc - need to raise lots of money for this horrendous tragedy. Obviously I appreciate those of you in India/Spain/France can't come, but if anyone is near enough and feels like a chatty morning, then get yourselves there.
I'm off but will be back at the weekend - fat bottoms are GOOD!!!!!!!!

E xx

Enjoying being good

Good day today both generally and with food. I decided that enough was enough and this kamikaze eating has got to stop.

So, cut up banana & pear with natural low fat yoghurt and seeds for breakfast. A rocket, prawn and lemon wrap (low fat tortilla) for lunch with a tangerine. A rocket (well, it needs using), prawn (likewise), pear (they're ripe) and avocado salad for supper - it was delicious and made a perfect starter. Mmm. Wot, no main course?

So, pleased with myself. Even more pleased as I tormented myself by making Shepherd's Pie with carrots and peas followed by syrup sponge and custard for Bruce and the children. Those lovely crusty bits round the edge of the dish - all left in the dish. Bonus star for lizzie.

Took Lucy out in the snow which I'm sure is the physical equivalent of twice the distance - it's very firming (or would be if I did more of it). I have been to our village singing group - an informal collection of all ages who just enjoy singing. It's surprisingly like a workout after an hour and far preferable to a fitness class.

Please let me stay in the zone.....

E xx

It is Sunday

I want to give you an extract from a poem that was used as the blessing at the end of the service last week. It was epiphany and the sermon had been about revelation and having faith.

"I said to the man who stood at the gate to the year, "Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown."
And he replied, "Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way."

Hope the new year is a good one for you too.

E xx

A good week

No weight. Can't face it yet and did say I wouldn't be able to until mid month. Mmm. One week to go then. We are surrounded by diet advice - every paper, magazine and media type is full of it. Metabolic, Fad, Low Carb, Low fat....and the list goes on. They all promise to be easy, keep it off, never hungry, etc. I put "weight loss" into google and got 120MILLION possible connections - "diet advice" gives 52.8 What is the world coming to? We are obsessed and you can see why these diet clubs/websites/foods etc are worth a fortune. We are desperate to get thinner/fitter/healthier yet seem incapable of doing it. As I have banged on about before, no number of diet books and fitness DVD's are going to help unless you are "in the zone" and ready to bite the bullet (rather than another biscuit/chocolate/lump of cheese).

I am not in the zone. I am praying that the situation is resolved when I start work full time in an office environment, where I am expected to look presentable and smart. I am more used to wearing an apron (with three sheep donning swimming caps with the caption, "Dip looks cold today girls!" on the pocket) over a black skirt and long sleeved t-shirt, smelling of chip fat and bacon - is there any hope? I took homemade soup to work on both of my working days and ate sensibly for breakfast and supper. Unfortunately there was a dark chocolate orange left (which his nibs and I polished off at one sitting) and is still the remnants of a bottle of Baileys on the dresser, tempting me to have a little nip every night - thankfully it is nearly gone. Today though, I went to check on an elderly neighbour who must be going stir-crazy by now as he hasn't been out of the house for weeks due to the snow - and he gave me a box of gorgeous looking Lindt chocolates, with the specific instruction that I have to enjoy them without an ounce of guilt or subsequent remorse. Who am I to ignore such instruction?

My problem is that, since the beginning of December, my life has taken a positive turn. I had a fantastic, happy Christmas. I love the snow and the spectacular scenery that lifts and energises at every glance (yes Bruce, I know its really hard for farmers and that you are f***ing sick of it!). I have a new job and am pretty certain I will have found my niche. I have discovered this love of scribbling my inane thoughts down on a blog and find it immensely satisfying. My girls are all healthy and happy. My relationship is great. All in all, I feel incredibly blessed, not a little smug, and an enormous amount of happiness. The upshot of this PMA (positive mental attitude) is that I am no longer pre-occupied with my weight. I no longer feel huge, unattractive and a blight on the face of the earth.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not running around happy with the curves, lumps and bumps. I know that I am no where near as fit as I should be. I am certainly not "giving up" and resigning myself to being this size. The new outfit I bought last week fits but will look so much better in half a stone's time. Last night, a (admittedly young) girl came into the pub (why was I there? more to follow) whom I hadn't seen for some time - she looked fantastic! She has lost a nice bit of weight and was positively glowing - shiny hair, good skin, toned figure and oooooozing the confidence that every twenty-something should. I want to feel like that again. I might have lost almost 2 stone since this time last year but no one notices you go from very big to a little bit less very big. I might feel better but it's not an immediately noticeable improvement.

On Monday, I am starting with a vengeance.......again!!!!!!!!

Anyway, on a lighter note, I titled this post "A good week" and it has been.
1. Girls all good, happy, healthy and sledging for the third week in a row.
2. I started my new job and am very optimistic about it.
3. Most important.....I got to the semi-finals in the domino knock-out in the pub last night! Absolutely incredible. Anyone that knows me is aware that I am not a regular in the pubs (although I have been known to dance on the tables and be more than a little raucous) and couldn't hit a dart board however hard I tried. However, last night as the drinks were downed and the natural urge to win kicked in, I found the tension rising as I carefully considered which domino to put down. At one stage you would think I was playing poker for all the careful pondering to up skittle my opponents whilst knowing full well I only had one possible domino. I even learnt not to put them in a little semi-circle, that you don't play with 7, you don't have to play the double six first and you play much better with a little help from the liquor! By golly, it was fun - helped along by getting through the rounds of course.

Anyway, time to start the supper (baked potato, pork chop - fat removed, spinach) and then have a bath. Relaxing evening ahead. Now, can I justify that good bottle of red we never got round to at Christmas...................

E xx

New Year, new job!

I have decided to do myself a favour and not weigh myself for a fortnight. This is because the excesses will not be pretty. Unfortunately, my new years' resolutions have thus far been: Sunday - diet starts tomorrow; Monday - diet really starts tomorrow; Tuesday - right, that's it - the diet, without compromise, STARTS TOMORROW!!! I am about to have a Baileys whilst watching Kill it, Cook it, Eat it (Piper's Farm, Devon - fantastic people!) and then, get organised.

The newspapers are full of NEW diets. Fantastic, easy, magically successful diets, never been done before. We know what to do - it's finding the energy, inclination, will power, control etc, to do it. I watched The Big Fat Diet Show tonight which was quite interesting - I am sure I could diet more easily if someone would open the 100 calorie shop - everything conveniently packed into 100 calorie packs. Perfect! Select 12 bags and you've got your food for the day. If only life was that convenient. The presenter did quote the old adage, "Fail to plan, plan to fail". So true.

Tomorrow I start my new job - working in an estate agents! I am going to be able to nose round lovely houses with legitimacy! I love houses and interiors as well as selling so maybe, at last, I could find my niche. The pinny has come off (almost) and sensible clothes need to go on. I am in a quandry there as I have very few acceptable tidy clothes but am loathe to buy too many in the hope (or, more positively, with the knowledge) that I am going to lose more weight. My budget does not allow for clothes that are only going to last for a month (how optimistic is that!). I went into a local dress shop last week and came out thinking that it is a good job I am a relatively laid back person with a sense of humour. Firstly I selected a top - the girl in the shop who is younger but not much, than me, said, "oh yes, Mum's got that one, it looks nice on". Mmm, not an auspicious start. Then I selected a skirt to which she let me know that she had it in a bigger size. As I walked towards the changing room, the owner asked what size I had got, I said a 16 and she replied that she had got it in an 18 if I needed it. Mmm, do you want me to buy anything? Would you like a sales course in making your customers feel good? I felt like leaping out of the changing room just to show them that it fitted! (but I had my jeans around my knees and walking boots on my feet so it wasn't a good look!). I bought the skirt and a good pair of smart boots, after it had been pointed out that they had buckles at the side which let out to fit larger calves - great! So, the hippo has a tidy outfit for her first day at work. Hopefully the snow will hold off long enough for me to get to the office.

All is well in the Guy household. We had a great festive period and are all in positive mood for the coming year. Going back to full time work, especially not self employed, is going to be a shock to the system but one that I embrace with enthusiasm. Time will tell.

THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW.....AGAIN!!

E xx

2010 here we come!!

14st5lb. Ok, so that's not so good. However, in my defense, if it weren't for you lot, I would ignore the scales like the rest of the nation until at least the middle of January until normality is restored. I shall commit now to be down to at least a straight 14st by the middle of January.

I have been a really useless dieter during this blog. On a positive note, I started the year weighing 16st 3lb and feeling utterly crap about myself. I am finishing it weighing almost 2stone less and feeling ok-ish about myself physically and very positive and happy internally, so there has been big progress. I feel as if I am about to motor.

I am going to sign off now as we are going out to supper and then knocking back the odd drink or two before midnight. I will do reflection another day (soon). I am going to get back to regular postings when life settles down again in the new year.

I wish every one a very happy, healthy and fulfilling year ahead.

Loads of love to all,
E xx

I'll go with Kestrel

"What is life if we cannot enjoy with friends and family at this lovely time." I quite agree. In fact you have neatly led me into my rant for the Christmas period.

Now, before I start I have to admit that I am not a fan of shopping at the best of times, but particularly when I am broke. I loathe abject materialism and the spend, spend, spend culture in which we live.

So, my rant. On Christmas Eve I was fortunate enough to settle down with two out of three of my girls, along with Bruce to watch A Christmas Carol. My eldest had gone out to work at the local pub and had bought in a glass with an icecube and told me to open the present from her boyfriend - a bottle of Baileys - perfect. I love that film and the message it gives. Now the bit that stood out most to me was when Bob Cratchitt is going at the end of the day on Christmas Eve and Scrooge says something along the lines of, "You'll be wanting the day off tomorrow I suppose!" and Cratchitt replies,"if it's not too inconvenient, it is Christmas Day" and Scrooge shouts at him that of course it's inconvenient and that he must get in extra early on Boxing Day to make up for it. He had one day with his beautiful family.

We have returned to the days of Scrooge. The news on Boxing Day was full of the sales and the millions of pounds spent and the thousands of people who hit the shops. I hate the thought of all those people who are unable to enjoy even two days with their families and friends before they rush off to spend even more money that they don't necessarily have. The sight of young women standing to be photographed with their collection of designer bags which, even in the sales, had cost them well over a thousand pounds, probably on credit.

However, my sympathies do not lie with the mindless idiots who worship at the altar of consumerism but with the poor people who have to work in the shops. When I left university, the Metro Centre in Gateshead was just about to open and I got a job in Currys as a graduate manager. It was standard that you worked on a Saturday and in the 9 months that I was employed by them, I had one Saturday reluctantly granted to go to a wedding. I was lucky that, in those days, there was no Sunday trading, otherwise I am sure that working on a Sunday would have been expected aswell. All those thousands of families whose holidays are cut short because a parent/sibling/daughter/son has to return to work after just one day, just so that people can go shopping. It is so sad. Family life is being eroded by greed. This is not written from a religious angle, although I do find it difficult to reconcile the basic principles of living a Christian life with what we have reduced the Christmas celebrations to, but just from the point of view of the family.

Anyway, enough ranting. I shall return tomorrow with reflections from 2009 and looking ahead to 2010 (and I suppose, my weight!).

E xx

Christmas - no time for scales!

Well, I'm sure I could find the time for scales, but I haven't found the inclination yet. I promise to get round to it soon.

I left you as Bruce came in from the pub at midnight with a snowball. He threw it straight at me and it landed on my chin - from cosy, warm and comfortable to sodden in freezing snow in a second. Suffice to say, I am plotting revenge! The only problem is that whatever I do to him, it will come back to me with knobs on (in a manner of speaking). Any suggestions?

Actually, I haven't been too bad with food until last night when my brother, wife, children aswell as a friend renowned for excess alcohol consumption, came to dinner. As I pointed out when blogging last week, food on it's own is controllable, just, but, combine it with wine and all sense of reason went off with Santa. We had a buffet for a start which was laid out on the table at which we all congregated, which meant we just carried on picking. We had champagne before supper and then quaffed our way through far too much red, white, fizzy wine and then Baileys. Disaster. This morning I couldn't believe how many boxes/tins of chocs had been consumed, as well as nuts/raisins, vast quantities of cheese and even dates. I woke up this morning feeling like a blob (but with no headache - bonus!)

Tonight we are going out to dinner with a big group of friends so another challenge. A boozy bunch. I have a feeling that January is going to be very abstemious to make up for a very naughty December.

We have had a lovely Christmas. Although we have had loads on the calendar, it has all been non stressed and relaxed, full of friendship and welcome. I am so well aware that not everyone has the same sense of joy (and have been there myself). It's serious subject Sunday but I am not in serious mode so I am going to save my important lecture for another day. My lovely brother and nephew kept joking (at least I think they were) that they had to watch what they said as it would end up on my blog. At one stage, my nephew (aged 18) walked passed and mumbled, "oh god, that's one for the blog" but unfortunately, I was a little too inebriated to remember the incident - you're in luck Charlie!

Anyway, better get my map drawn up for the mouse hunt round the village tomorrow evening - hot chocolate and reindeer buns afterwards with games and singing in church - nothing too holy just good fun. The trees look gorgeous. I'll take some photos tomorrow.

E xx

I hope anonymous found the advent windows and has stopped having nightmares!

Work is done

14st2lbs. Work is now over until after Christmas and I am looking forward to a couple of days of getting organised, baking with carols in the background, picking greenery down the beck (our own beck so we are allowed) and finishing decorating the house. I have a couple of little pressies to buy but nothing major so I will battle up to Hawes if the snow permits in the morning. I was hoping to entertain some of the lovely oldies from the Day Centre at the Christmas Tree Festival but I have a feeling the snow is going to stop them being able to come. I want to drag my reluctant children round to see some housebound elderly people, but they don't appear to be feeling very generous with their time. Middle daughter in particular is very good with mature people, with a sweet smile and an easy conversation. I live in hope and think they will change their minds. I saw an alarming statistic today about the amount of elderly people who are on their own at Christmas - it must be horribly lonely for them so if all my readers try to find 10 minutes to pop in on a housebound neighbour, we will have cheered the day of at least half a dozen.

I have had a really good week - personally but certainly not on the diet front. I have been conscious of trying to behave but failing miserably. It is amazing how it affects your psyche - I have been feeling like a beached whale for the past few days, imagining that my clothes are going to be tight/I look fat/I feel unattractive, etc, so this morning I made myself get on the scales expecting to be around 14st 6lb - imagine my surprise at 14st 2lb. I moved the scales three times just to check it wasn't a sad joke. I immediately felt slimmer/full of beans/happier! Oh shallow woman.

I have posted in mince pies like letters in a postbox. However, I have been busy (what's new?). Bruce mashed his finger under a breeze block and so I (very generously I thought) got up with him to feed the stock etc on the farm and fodder up the sheep on the fell. It was so worth it when we got the most amazing sunrise - bright red flashes across the sky casting a stunning pink hue over the fells. You just stand in the field, thigh deep in snow, awe-struck at the magnificence of the view. The photo above does not do justice but gives you a flavour. Talking of snow, there is no better exercise - it's a total body work out and my legs are exhausted! On the aforementioned morning, we were walking back to the landrover when I literally fell into a drift. Bruce asked me why on earth I had gone the way I had and I said that I was following the tracks of the sheep, assuming that they would take the shallowest route. He fell about laughing pointing out that I was following the tracks of a small, light rabbit!

So, the snow has been amazing (and still is as it adds more each day). The downside is that I missed taking the girls to Dad's for the weekend and therefore missed their Christmas lunch on Sunday. Unfortunately, though I don't think Dad believes me, the snow was just too thick to safely drive in.

Bruce has come in from the pub, armed with a snowball (I am in bed, laptop on knees, with the electric blanket) - this is not looking good.

I will return tomorrow.

E xx

Mince pies & Christmas food!

Here are a couple of the windows in Askrigg to give you a flavour of what they are about - the one with the trees is in a box and made with perfectly cut out shapes in layers of white card - if you look carefully you can just see the deer in the mist at the bottom and of course, Father Christmas flying across the sky looking for Askrigg (and your house of course!). If you google Askrigg Advent Windows it brings up the site - I am being a little cautious as, when I highlighted the windows on here and then put the website on the posters for people all over the world to see the artwork, they were all automatically directed to my blog - so now half of the village and their relatives know my excessive weight and insecurities! Most embarrassing when buying a pint of milk in the village shop. When the trees are all up and running (the festival, not the actual trees) I will photo some of those and put them on here too (thank you Kestrel for asking me to). I shall take this opportunity to be a good disciple and recommend you all pop along to your local church and find out what's going on over Christmas - you will feel so renewed, uplifted and happier if you sing a few carols, say a few prayers and generally have a little reflection.

Last night I decided to take the bull by the horns and stop just thinking about the window that I have to do by the weekend (I am the 20th). So, I put on some festive music and got out the scissors. As I started to tentatively snip, I got the urge to enjoy a glass of sloe gin whilst being creative. I had a lovely couple of hours sipping gin happily and amazingly none of the vital elements of the design fell out having snipped the wrong bit. I was most chuffed. Now I have the other half to do and then it will be ready for installation.

I have been thinking about festivities and excess and food. As I said a couple of days ago, I was brought up short thinking that, if I didn't watch it, I was going to be heading back up the ladder to misery pretty darn quick and I had to put the brakes on my excessive consumption. I have stuck with it and had a good couple of days (I have to confess to having just made 7 dozen mince pies and couldn't resist one, slightly warm, with my cup of tea as I sat down to write this - only one, but naughty). This is the problem. All the food at Christmas is so inviting, so easy to consume and so available. Not all of it is unhealthy (turkey) but alot of it is (mince pies, chocolates, christmas pud, chipolatas, roasties......the list goes on and on). According to the Daily Mail (where would I be for subject matter if it were not for my mindless paper?) we are preprogrammed to eat too much - it is high fat, low fibre food and doesn't fill us up for long enough. One solution they offer is to sit next to someone thin. They may have a point. They say it's because a thin person is quite likely to take a smaller portion and you won't want to seem like the prize porker (my words not theirs) but I would say that sitting next to my two gorgeous, slim, younger step-sisters makes me feel like the prize porker anyway, never mind how much they are eating. It plays havoc with your self esteem going to Dad's - beautiful step sisters aside, he has a huge, well lit mirror in the bathroom, from which there is no escape when you get out of the shower (actually, if I try a very hot shower it may steam it up). The only other alternative is to put your contact lenses in to turn on the shower and get it to the right temperature, then take them out, get undressed, shower, get out, dry, re-dress and only then put your lenses in - I am so short sighted that I will look like a blurry Rubenesque model having a shower). I also know to avoid too much alcohol (not only to avoid dancing on the tables at the pub) but after a few gins then wine, topped off with a couple of Baileys, all thoughts of diet or abstinence go out of the window - half a tin of Quality Street can be wolfed down in minutes, swilled down with further glasses of Baileys and all of January's calorie allowance. Must think of knees and hips.....joy, oh joy!

Anyway, must dash - off to Tescos/poundstretcher to find blue baubles for my "For those in peril on the sea" themed Christmas Tree, with a nod and a prayer towards Cornwall where Mum and Gran languish in uneasy misery, nursing ill health. Then going to an outdoor concert in Leyburn to support a very talented lad from Emily's school who has organised it - must avoid mince pies and mulled wine.

E xx

Halo is shining

14st 3lb. Well, I feel as if I have been reprieved. As I admitted yesterday, I have been avoiding the scales and eating too much. I think it must have been slightly balanced by the good, long walks with Lucy.

I have had a lovely, hard working day today, predominantly in church getting set up for the Christmas Tree Festival. We have set up 28 trees ready for families, businesses & individuals to decorate in their own inimitable style by Friday in time for the Preview Supper. The momentum is building for a fantastic Christmas in Askrigg, what with all the trees and the gorgeous Advent windows around the village - it is soooo exciting! There are so many people involved and having fun. Let's hope it continues for the rest of the week.

I am really pleased with myself diet-wise. I had porridge made with water with skimmed milk, honey and seeds for breakfast; sardines on toast (1 slice) and a tangerine for lunch; small bowl of pasta with homemade tomato sauce made with mushrooms & chorizo sausage (not much) and a low fat yoghurt. Good day all round. I even popped out for a quick walk with Lucy in the dark at 9pm - determined!

E xx

Time flies!

I can't believe it's last Wednesday since I last wrote a post.

I had an email a couple of days ago from a lovely "supporter" who happens to live in France - to make you even more jealous, in a fabulous house in a beautiful valley in France - urging me not to give up. Of course, my reaction was to reassure myself that I hadn't given up, I was just too busy/pre-occupied, etc, to write. However, the truth is more worrying. I am "off the boil" and I have been avoiding the scales. I suspect when I get back on them I will be pirouetting on one foot in an attempt to make the awful reality more palatable. It occurred to me today that, if I go on in this vein, I will be back up in the upper 14's by the new year and feeling sick as a parrot, disappointed/livid with myself and generally down in the dumps. Get a grip woman.

The reality is that my situation has drastically improved and I am in an excitable, positive mood. I have a new job! I am not going to go into too much detail yet (I'm still at that "pinch me" stage, where I think it could all be a bit of a fantasy) but suffice to say that the pinny will be no more and I am going to have to dress smartly for a change! I am going to be in an office with other people, feeling like a proper grown up.

The only down side of this new situation is that I am going to have to buy new clothes. My wardrobe allows me to look tidy at a funeral, uninspiring at a wedding and tidy but grease marked in front of an oven. I have nothing suitable. The down side is that a) I am not the 12 stone babe that I had planned to be by now and b) I am truly down to my last few pounds (£) with the turkey and Dad's Christmas present still to buy. I am going to hope for vouchers/beg from Bruce or sell my body. I have already planned my next book - it is going to be "A year of inspired, healthy lunches for those on the move" - I may have to shorten it! Already spotted the danger zones of office work - a) sat on backside a lot more than usual (no Lucy walks) b) there's a deli next door c) there's a Gregg's the Bakers opposite d) a One-stop sweetie shop across the road. Planning will be my saviour - as well as working with some very attractive women. I am soooooooo excited. More another day.

Yesterday, I made a meal for someone who is unwell and took it round on a tray. As I walked into the kitchen, her little darling doggie attached itself to my leg by it's teeth. It was told not to sniff my trousers - sniff! I held onto the tray for dear life as I attempted to guide the dog with my foot into the sitting room. So I have a small nip on my leg. This morning I decided to be a good partner and help with the feeding up - this involved a 7am start (on a Sunday) but to be honest, once I'm up, I love it, especially in winter when all the beasts are in the barn. As we went to leave, I was asked to take the landrover - big step up. Before I knew where I was, my foot had slipped on the door step and I flew up and landed flat on my back lying next to the vehicle. I have a very bruised backside (thank god I'm padded) and head (can't brush my head without wincing). Sympathy? Guess. No? You'd be right. I get up off the road, clutching rear and head. He asks what's up. I tell him. He laughs and says he thought he felt an earth tremor. Cheeky blighter. I'm now being cautious wondering what's the third event to be!

So, all well, all positive - including the probable and deserved gain in weight tomorrow morning. Get back on the horse, podge, or you'll regret it.

E xx

It's a good job I'm too old for babies!

I've had a lovely day today. Treated myself to a bath this morning after the girls had left for school. Then cleared out some kitchen cupboards as my "housework for the day".

It was a beautiful day so I set out up the Gill with an excitable Lucy. I wish I had had my camera as every time I go up there on a sunny morning I am struck (not literally!) by a delicate silver birch tree, standing like a gilded flagpole awaiting it's flag in the midst of the mighty oaks and beech trees. It really is a sight to behold and so shiny it looks as though it has been polished. I love that wood. I will remember the camera. I am certainly getting fitter - I am still puffing and rosy by the time I get to the top but less so than before - and I'm getting faster.

I wrote some Christmas cards (well 2 actually but they did have letters) and then went to see my friend with her new baby. He's soooooo cute. He just lay in my lap, fast asleep, while I chatted to his beautiful Mum. His skin is peachy and he has a lovely little round head and chubby cheeks. I want one. No, kidding really - we've no room and I'm too old. (but far too young to be a granny in case you're reading this lovely 18 year old daughter)

Last night after writing my missive, I went on to the website about the "Too Big to Walk" programme I had been talking about. It has some useful information, one of which is a BMI calculator. Mine is a shocking 31 (but it was 35.5 so that's good) so I am, as I already know, very overweight. I don't go into simply overweight until I'm 13st 8lb and remain there until I'm 11stone 5lb - that's almost 3 more stone to take me to the very maximum of normal! Crikey. However, it's back to my old twitter about having a responsibility to live more healthily. Stop whining and get on with it.

A friend wrote today saying that, just because the weather is lousy outside doesn't mean you can't do any exercise. She has a point particularly as I am definitely inclined to think that, if I can't walk, I can't do exercise that day. Dancing is great but you feel a prat even if you are on your own. Running up and down the stairs is another - but I'm done in after 2 runs! The tennis club is supposed to be starting indoor tennis for the winter but it hasn't materialised yet. Any suggestions for good indoor exercises? To be honest, even if it's raining, you still feel better for getting outside - you can always change your trousers! Good forecast for the next couple of days so no excuses - the cold is coming, as is Christmas - goody, goody! I'm getting in the mood. Kirsty's Homemade Christmas has made me want to get out the ribbons, sewing box and scraps and make something wonderful (I don't have the ability!) but, as I have my advent window to make yet, I think that should be my priority - the village is shaping up beautifully so I'd better not let the side down.

Still happy!

E xx

Feeling guilty

14st 1lb. Getting there slowly. I haven't been avoiding you as I have been relatively good but life has been busy, busy, busy!!! Actually, for once in my life, it's been social and fun - I don't remember the last time I went out three nights running.

On Saturday, I had some friends in for an informal supper and thoroughly enjoyed it. The mini baked alaskas were delicious and, yes, of course I had one! I drank a little too much fizz and red wine and went to bed a happy girl. On Sunday I went to a Leukemia Research fundraiser lunch which was a great event and raised lots of money for a hugely worthwhile cause. On Sunday night we went to meet a friend who does get to the glorious North very often and had a good catch up - I was only on slimline tonic by this time though! Last night I went joined a new singing group that's just started in the village and loved it. As I have said before, I love to sing and singing informally in a big group is so uplifting - I came away singing to myself and went for a drink with a friend - non alcoholic.

In between all this social life, I have had a busy couple of days at work. I am still feeling positive and happy, which is great.

So, why am I feeling guilty? I'm sitting here typing at the same time as watching "Too Big to walk" - a documentary about a group of seriously obese people who are to walk from the south coast to Edinburgh over 8 weeks. They are obviously really big and the walking must be grossly uncomfortable for them most of the time, certainly at the start. At the start of tonight's programme they don't seem to be that motivated and start eating butties, chips, kebabs, etc and not really seeming to take it seriously. I find myself tutting and getting cross with them for their lack of self respect and control. Then I felt like a right hypocrite as I break my intentions virtually every day, in spite of a deep desire to lose weight and take control of my life. It's no different with them except that they are bigger. In the middle, they meet with the fitness chap and get a serious bollocking - then they seem to kick into gear and make some impressive losses (up to 16 lb) in the next week, walking 12 miles every day and eating healthily. I am feeling a little guilty and a lot humbled.

Tomorrow, the pace of life calms down a bit and I am going to make the most of it - a good walk with Lucy, some writing, some ironing and writing Christmas cards. I am also going to see a friend with her new baby - I love new babies and can't wait!

E xx

A strange thing happened today....

.....I forgot to eat breakfast!!!! At around 11am, I thought I felt a bit hungry and realised that I had got the girls off to school, got his nibs off shooting with packed lunch, then showered and went shopping for some cooking that I had to do today and missed breakfast! I think this is a first. In fact, I'm sure. I decided that, as it was 11am already, I might as well save my meagre calories for lunch (it's famine day). I was busy and didn't have time to sit down and relax so just made a slice of toast with peanut butter & jam again (it's good for you!) and then a bowl of blackberry and apple for pud.

It was a glorious day for the first time in a long time and I had a really good walk. Half way round, there was a big group of mid-teens whom I suspect are staying at the outdoor centre. They all set off up the hill singing at the top of their voices, "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands" - not in a cheesey, scouting kind of way (not that I'm anti-scout) but more of a rugby club after-match party, with girls! Anyway, it made me smile and think of my girls - full of youthful optimism and hope. Happy and fun they were but I was glad to see them going off up the hill in the opposite direction (on the short cut!), leaving me to continue on my contemplative way (I'm a bit into this quiet stuff after the Taize).

Tonight the girls have all gone out, leaving his nibs and I alone (which is rare). He is in the sitting room and I am pretending to iron in the kitchen - I actually want to watch the"I'm a Celebrity" final - guilty secret! Yesterday, he read from an article in the paper stating that research says that once you are a bride, you put on weight. I retorted with, "does it say that once you are a groom, you stop washing and generally lack an acceptable degree of personal hygiene?" He has difficulty grasping that deodorant is not just for special occasions or that showers are not only allowed if nookie is in the offing! Anyway, having sniped through the rest of the day, we agreed that it had to stop - we are now being nice to each other (I suspect a shower could be on the cards!).

Tomorrow there's loads to do (as ever) and then I have some girlfriends coming for dinner which I am really looking forward to. The two youngest have some of their friends coming too so it's a house full of females. It's my feast day anyway but I am going to try to control it - I'm planning baby almond baked Alaska puddings which will just have to be eaten!

Weigh day tomorrow. I'm optimistic.

E xx

Any excuse!

The diet has been fine - healthy porridge (water, honey, seeds); seedy toast with organic peanut butter and homemade damson jam (may seem strange to you but, each to his own!) and then a pork chop (fat removed) with veg and some delicious stewed apple & blackberries. No problems with food. Famine day tomorrow. Feeling slimmer so positive for Saturday weigh in (recommended a week between weigh ins but too long for me).

However, the exercise is struggling. It has rained and even sleeted today, virtually all day. Cold wind. Unappealing. Wimped out. I did do the lunch duty at our primary school but the weather meant it was indoor play - I haven't been in so far this year so there were some new little faces, all smiley and cute. It was stimulating but not energy expending. I also put in an online Tescos order which uses energy in that it is exasperating but not healthily!

I am in a positive mood and have been, cautiously, all week. This is good. Long may it continue.

E xx

Lucy is not pleased!

No weight but it's a famine day...and it has been! I had a slice of toast with honey (no butter) for breakfast, some devilled kidneys without any sauce for lunch (no, it wasn't very appetising!) and an apple and orange for supper (and a glass of mulled wine at a Christmas fair!). Feeling oddly fine and not deprived - going to enjoy a normal day of eating sensibly tomorrow.

I have had a busy day sorting out the Advent windows and the Christmas Tree Festival as well as getting some work done. I have written a 3 day plan of action to work through. I am really excited at how well the festive events are developing - it seems that the whole village and outlying farms are pulling together.

Unfortunately, I have been so busy that Lucy and walking took a back seat. We only managed a quick nip up to the start of the Gill walk before it got dark. Her little face when I turned to come back instead of going through the stile, was a picture. Tomorrow will be different.

I had a new experience tonight. I was invited to go with a friend to a Taize service in Hawes. I was a little dubious about the meditation/quiet aspect as I am a bit of a one for enjoying a belting good hymn although candlelight always appeals. Well, it was beautiful. Quiet, relaxing, gentle, comfortable. Lovely. I would recommend it to everyone - a total digression from a busy life.

Calm, happy, with a flatter stomach.....good, good.

E xx

Feast or famine?

14st 2lb. So I didn't quite make the 14stone but at least I'm heading in the right direction and have lost a pound in Cornwall in spite of succumbing to a melt in the mouth, worth the calories as a treat, proper pasty. Not as good as dear old Gran used to make, but more than adequately comparable.

You would have been so proud of me on the journey down. My planning worked a treat - buying two of all the treats for the girls and packing fruit and my sarnies. No naughties despite a long drag of a journey. Friday did not dawn with glorious blue skies but I still managed to drag my two unwilling charges out for a good walk in the afternoon with only occasional drizzle and not the downpour it threatened. I ate the aforementioned pasty for lunch and my mother had made the most unctuous lamb shanks with butternut squash and other veggies for supper. On Saturday, Mum took the girls out for the day (with fish and chips) while I took care of Gran - we had a boiled egg each for lunch. She insisted that she would be fine while I took the dog out for an hour, which of course she was, but I did push the boundaries of my abilities so that I was back within the hour. Again Mum cooked - a roast chicken with loads of vegetables so good again - but the lovely blackberry & apple crumble with clotted cream didn't fit the diet bill!

Saturday night - what a night! I barely slept as we were up in Mum's static caravan and it was a particularly stormy night. I was battling the elements at 3am thinking her garden shed had broken loose. It was fine but the tarpaulin on next door's speed boat was thwacking up and down in the gusts and the boat itself was lifting up and thumping back down. You know what it's like in the middle of the night - everything is so much more dramatic - I put my contact lenses in, just in case I needed to make an emergency escape if the boat lifted up and through the side of the caravan. By 4am, there were three in the bed, like two sardines and a mackerel in the middle, grossly uncomfortable and in fear of our lives. Mum, cosily wrapped up in Granny's cottage in the sheltered arm of the village, greeted three bleary eyed girls with a bright and breezy "Sleep well?"

Sunday was calm in Cornwall. Wet but calm. Wensleydale on the other hand was anything but. It rained and rained. By lunch time it was decided that we would not be able to get back in to our village so we decided to stop in Cheshire at my very accommodating, lovely aunt & uncle's house. Whilst driving up the M5, the youngest rang home to tell our plans, to be greeted with a, "Can't talk now. Moving everything upstairs. The fire brigade have just arrived." Great. The youngest is only worried about the cat. I am worried about...everything! Five hours later, the fire brigade stopped pumping. The two neighbours on the right were soaked right through and I don't envy them (I made a Shepherd's Pie) but we escaped. His nibs levered up the paving slabs and the herb garden in an effort to drain water away, but other than that, we're fine. I am very grateful.

I think the stress and lack of sleep made me lose the pound. I am now feast and famining. So far. So good. Yesterday, a slice of toast at Jen's, a slice of bread as a tomato sandwich at lunch and a tin of plum tomatoes for supper. You must excuse the horror of the diet but I had just suffered trauma and a long drive. Today was feast - Weetabix for breakfast, a small roast turkey dinner at work (and a not awfully small Christmas pudding - homemade - with rum sauce) and a slice of toast with honey and an orange for supper. Not too bad. Good walk due tomorrow for famine day with a nice soup for lunch - haven't decided what yet. I need healthy supplies.

Feeling optimistic.

Anyone feel like joining me? Three and a half weeks to Christmas!

Love
E xx

Off to Cornwall

14st 3lb. I do believe I am now 2lb less than when I last went to Cornwall eons ago! Never mind, at least I'm not more. I have packed up a picnic for the journey - a ham sandwich, an apple, a banana and some sesame snacks. I have bought goodies for the girls but only 2 of each so that it would be "not fair" if I ate one. We shall sing along to CD's. I am looking forward to seeing my Mum again and hopefully exercising her dog with some invigorating walks by the sea.

Another day with nothing in the diary. I wrote a list as long as my arm to do and left "Blog" until last as my treat. I have had a busy day and have achieved alot - I am going away with a fairly tidy house for once, washing ironed and put away, car tidied out (only because I have to lend it to my sister in law while I borrow hers) and some baking done for Bruce whilst I'm away.

Anyway, I know I've always been against faddy diets (in fact you could be forgiven for wondering what diet I actually follow!) but there have been a couple of articles in the paper recently, one of which made my ears prick up as a possibility. The first one, which isn't for me but has some valid philosophies, is the Jesus diet - spiritual dieting is apparently gaining converts with groups being held in churches around the UK. Surprise, surprise - it's come over from America. Over the water, the groups are called, Weigh down, Thin Within, The Hallelujah Diet, The God Diet, etc but over here we need to be a bit more subtle apparently and the groups are called Fit for Life Forever. It works on the principle that, to tackle weight issues you need to address the root causes such as unresolved pain and low self esteem. As we have discussed previously, there is alot to be said for that. I love the bluntness of one comment: "No more blaming genetics, the food content or stress for our weight gain. The main reason for being over weight is overeating." Say it as it is! Anyway, Jesus would have lived on nuts, lentils, vegetables, beans, bread, water and red wine - a mediterranean diet effectively but with meat on only very rare occasions. So, lots of wind and hunger. Not for me.

However, the one that caught my eye is the feast/famine diet where you eat what you like one day and eat sparingly the following and then alternate. Now, on closer inspection the "eat what you like" day doesn't exactly advocate steak & chips followed by rich chocolate mousse and a cheeseboard, but it does allow more flexibility than a usual diet. The famine day would be tougher as you need to eat between 20% and 30% of the recommended intake to lose weight. This diet is supposed to have had fantastic results for asthma suffers in particular but it also lowers blood sugar levels, improves mental health and a low calorie diet extends life expectancy. Win. Win. The trial was done on 16 patients all over 14stone - they ate 20% of their normal intake one day and a normal healthy diet the next over a 10 week period. They all lost between 10lb and 30lb, far higher than expected.

The reason I think this could work for me is that, even if you are hungry one day, you know you are going to be able to eat normally the following day. Even over Christmas, if you time it to hit Christmas day, you can have a good scoff on the day and be abstemious on Boxing Day. I am sure a little tuck in to the Celebrations on Christmas Day could be allowed. Anyway, I am going to be the guinea pig and, starting Monday, I am going to alternate days - starting with the pig-out (kidding!).

In the meantime, I have some strict cliff walks to complete if I am to get near my being down to 14stone target for November by Tuesday!

Away until Monday, when I will be back I promise - no skiving off or avoiding anyone!

E xx

Better day

By 8 o'clock this morning I had the house all to myself. His nibs and Lucy off shooting and the girls off to school. So, leisurely half hour over breakfast (2 Weetabix), then got dressed and thoroughly cleaned the bathroom before flexing the fingers and settling down to write.

I tackled the last chapter for the book which I have been avoiding like the plague - only because it is less familiar than recipes and therefore, required more concentration. Anyway, by lunchtime I had completed the task to a satisfactory level and the sense of relief was great. I had a bowl of spaghetti hoops over the papers and then thoroughly hoovered the stairs and landing, a job which I am sure I have mentioned, I absolutely hate! I got rid of every cobweb and little spider thinking of hatching one. Good job done.

I had liver and onions with oven baked tomatoes for supper followed by melon. Every time I considered exercise I listened to the battering wind and rain splattering on the windows and thought better of it - perhaps it would have been different if Lucy had been making eyes at me.

Tomorrow I will write properly about a couple of subjects that have come up in the papers recently. Then I have the long drive to Cornwall - with a tank full of diesel and a prepacked supper - no naughties!

Thanks for all your lovely comments. It's encouraging to know you are still there!

Exx

Ok, Ok - I've been avoiding you!

14st 5lb. Yes, I did return from Derbyshire on Saturday but have avoided you ever since. The reason is at the start. I am so disappointed in myself and have been so down right miserable that I haven't wanted to pick up the laptop and talk.

So, back a week. Off to Derbyshire on a windy, wet morning with the Dale in full, incredible flood. However, we were in fairly high spirits and happy to tackle the elements. We were in no hurry to get anywhere so stopped for coffee en route - I had a cappuccino (working on the probably misguided principle that it is less harmful than a latte) and no accompanying biscuit or scone. Then I challenged his nib's attire and suggested popping in to Meadowhall to get a new outfit. Not happy. He bought a pair of new trousers, a shirt and a new jumper to go to Paris - why does he need anything new? I point out that Paris was 3 years ago and he looks scruffy. Matters do not improve when we get in, select a jumper and shirt and realise that it is the first day of the Debenhams sale and the queue is ridiculous. I stood my ground thinking that, as it is the nearest he has been to a till in 3 years, we will stick it out. I won. We met a lovely couple in the queue who live near Chatsworth - they give a recommendation for the best restaurant in the area, which I tucked away for later digestion.

We went out for lunch in Sheffield and, again, I was good and only had a bowl of soup. We had a lovely hour or so at Weston Park museum (highly recommended if you have children) and then found the hotel. It was perfectly adequate, very clean, well situated near the Ladybower reservoir and had a good pub menu for dinner (I had salmon -still good). There were some good shortish walks which we did every morning before breakfast. We met a lovely couple over dinner who recommended two really good museums in which to really find out about Sheffield's industrial heritage (such a coincidence - the chap's favourite programme is "How it's made" aswell - I was thrilled!). On Thursday we went to Chatsworth (soup again in the farm shop restaurant) and booked to go for dinner at the recommended East Lodge in Rowsley. Unbeknown to his nibs, I had packed a wrap dress that I haven't worn since I was slim. I decided to take the plunge and surprise him so I faffed around in the bathroom doing hair, make up, underwear, etc and then slipped on the dress with vertiginous heels - and was not unhappy with what I saw in the mirror. He was delighted and very flattering (I wondered if we would make dinner). All in all, Ms Sexy Slinky Slimming Woman was ready for dinner with the newly Mr Sprucie Brucie in his new outfit. As I turned to walk out of the door, he says, "Do you know you've got a big ladder up the back of your tights?" Bugger. Bugger. Bugger.

I wore jeans (with a lovely top). We had a wonderful meal and a really romantic, lovely evening.

On Friday we went in search of museums but, sadly, they were both closed. Sheffield's Industrial Heritage will have to wait.

On Saturday, we set off home via Harrogate and Jack Wills - I swear that shop is full of bewildered mothers wondering how on earth they are being persuaded to part with so much money for so little.

On Sunday, I had promised to take my two youngest Christmas shopping but, as I have no more money, I let them go off on their own whilst I dawdled round Sainsbury's buying essentials and feeling the descendence of the cloud of gloom. There is nothing more depressing than shopping when you have no money. The little grey cloud has been hovering over my head ever since with its incessant misery shrouding me. My head - I am a failure/can't even stick to a diet/can't think of what to do with my life/"16 years ago you had a house, car that worked, good job"/thrown it all away - doom, doom and more doom. Not even the thought that I should be grateful I don't live in Workington/Cockermouth/Keswick has jerked me out of the mood.

However, light at the end of the tunnel! You lot! Lovely messages & emails. Support. Tips. Websites. Other blogs. You are great! I can't stop now and sink back to where I was. I must get back - again!

I have to sort my life out (which really means my work life and, therefore, my financial well being). Just wish I knew where to start.

Two days of cleaning, writing (I will do the last chapter of the book and remove that little niggle) and sorting out paperwork. I will walk again - it seems like forever since I had a good walk (it isn't - it just feels like it). Then, I'm off to Cornwall to see Mum and Gran on Thursday night so the cliffs beckon.

Thanks everyone!

E xx

I'm really fed up

14st 3lb. I would have to say that if I wasn't writing this blog, I would definitely have given up by now. I do not know what more I can do to lose weight. I have never in my life so constantly thought about dieting, exercise and general well being and made such slow progress. To say that I am pee'd off is an understatement. Ironically, at least 4 people commented on how much weight I've lost - I think the fairies are playing some cruel tricks.

Now my worry is that I am going away tomorrow to Derbyshire until Saturday and am bound to do some damage by the time I get back, even if I "behave".

Last month, in the middle of the lamb sales, his nibs suggested we book a city break for November. Last year we went to Copenhagen (fantastic), the year before, Bruges (excellent) and our first year together we went to Paris (he loved it, I hadn't got used to holidaying with him - it takes a bit of getting used to!). Anyway, the middle of lamb sales = exhaustion = "haven't got the energy to hang around an airport and traipse round a city just for a few days break" = "I just want log fires, long walks, pub lunches and a good book" = Derbyshire. Now, of course, all I want to do is go to Prague/Vienna/Rome. We are going to Ladybower Lake. It is a dreadful forecast - Met office warning for gales, heavy rain, etc, for the rest of the working week. He doesn't read. He doesn't like walking ("never stop walking when I'm farming" - true). He doesn't like "posh" hotels. He doesn't like fancy food. He's not good on shopping. He wants a museum that charts the history of steel manufacture in Sheffield - it may seem strange, but I don't.

Tonight he asked what time we were leaving. I was taking the ironing upstairs at the time and shouted, "The flight leaves at 10:50 from Leeds/Bradford so I suppose we'd better leave by 7" - look on the screen. I had left the computer on "Lastminute.com/citybreaks/prague". Hummm.

We are going to Derbyshire. IT WILL BE FUN. We are leaving at 9am to go to the Weston Park Museum in Sheffield (I've agreed to get it out of his system) and we'll take it from there.

I need to add here that his nibs is a truly lovely person and I love going away with him - he just has rather more basic ideas of a good break than me.

I will cheer up and not be a grumpy partner.

A few days off from my tediously slow progress. Back on Saturday. If I'm back up at all, I'll lie.

E xx

Riding high!

I am still in a very good, positive mood - two days running, this is worrying! You may notice that there is no weight today. This is for two reasons. The first is that I overindulged on Saturday with Christmas dinner and worse, pudding with rum sauce so I thought one more day of pure food would be more hopeful for the scales. The second is that I was glancing back through some old posts yesterday and noticed that I originally said I was going for the scales on Tuesdays and Fridays - therefore I am fully justified in delaying a day.

If ever I have deserved a weight loss, it is today. Having worked this morning, I came home at lunchtime and made gorgeous cheesey mushroom bake with toast for his nibs whilst only eating spaghetti hoops myself (I was in a hurry and I do have a bit of a weakness for them - and they are low in fat and calories). Then I took a look at the slate-grey sky threatening rain and the lure of the computer was powerful. However, I thought, "No! Get changed and get out there." I was a force to be reckoned with and, ten minutes later, a rather shocked (and slightly reluctant) Lucy and I set off up the gill on the long walk along Skelgill. During the walk, the slate-grey sky delivered its promised rain on the back of a very strong and icy wind. My ears were singing and I was freezing. However, I walked briskly, jogged enthusiastically and felt thoroughly pleased with myself. Half way round I had a cup of tea at a friend's house who, buoyed by my enthusiasm, joined me for the second half of the route (she has lost two and a half stone in the past 6 months!). All in all, an excellent, invigorating afternoon (with a good gossip thrown in).

I am now, rather guiltily, sitting in bed cocooned in the duvet, being gently warmed by the electric blanket, cup of tea to hand and laptop on knees. I think the bright red, cheetah-like markings all over my legs may have gone after an hour of warmth and peace. Worth the walk.

After yoghurt & muesli, spaghetti and salmon & spinach for tea, combined with exercise in extreme weather conditions, I am certainly deserving of a loss tomorrow.

Fingers crossed! Off to write that article.

E xx

Quiet, happy day

Yikes, I realised today that it's half way through the month and I am not whizzing down the weight scales as fast as I had hoped. However, onward ever onward.

I had a good lie in this morning followed by a bowl of muesli and yoghurt, church, an uninterrupted read of the papers with a cup of coffee, lunch, a long walk, washing, homework (the girls), Antiques Roadshow and then, hardly dare admit it, "I'm A Celebrity - Get Me Out Of Here" - I, of course, wouldn't watch such inane rubbish but the girls like it.......!

My diet has been superb today, making up for the Christmas dinner yesterday. For lunch, as there were no children in the house, I had cooked a mince pie with homemade chips and mushy peas for my partner (he LOVES it) and I had some roast vegetables with spiced red cabbage and mushy peas. I gave him his plate and then sat down with mine. He starts doing a "weather warning" of severe gales expected to be moving in from the North - cheeky devil! As if mushy peas, cabbage, beetroot, squash etc are going to have that effect!?!

I had a fantastic walk today. The normal route round the gill with Lucy but consciously as fast as I could. To be honest, my feet just worked on automatic as my mind was whirring at an even faster rate than usual. I was thinking of ways of making some much needed money before the fast approaching festive season. As my partner sells Christmas trees, ("Bruces' Spruces" - no, not really, but I think it's a great name) I could make log Rudolph's, papier mache robins and Christmas decorations to sell along side them. Could be alot of mess for not alot of return, but we shall see. So, plan for extra pennies sorted. Next, I thought about potential employment. I keep saying that I want my career to mean something, to do something that makes a difference. Anyway, when analysing my ideal job, I have been trying think what would give job satisfaction. I think I have concluded that this either means working for a charity, ideally Marie Curie as a fundraising co-ordinator; working with children with "challenges" (I would love to be a foster Mum if we a) had room or b) thought the girls wouldn't mind); be a life coach boosting people's self esteem or teaching people proper, basic skills of cooking. I want to make a difference to someone's life and, in doing so, enrich my own. So, I have concluded that I should settle for not having much money for the time being by sticking with the job I have (which I thoroughly enjoy for the most part, it just doesn't have enough hours for 10 months of the year and has twice as many as I want for 2 months of the year) while I find a way to achieve a job that I really want.

Is it possible to boost someone's self esteem if you are prone to ludicrously low self esteem yourself?

In conclusion, I have made some mental progress today. Tomorrow I am going to write an article about the personal side of business insolvency and see if I can get it published. Now that's positive isn't it?

I feel a good week coming on.

E x

What is the matter with me?

I knew it wasn't going to be easy today. I slept appallingly for starters and was really tired, which is not good for my resolve. Add to that a proper turkey dinner and worse, my gorgeous (though I say it myself!) Christmas pudding with rum sauce. I knew the situation was beyond reprieve when my two lovely ladies on the other side of the kitchen commented that, for someone on a diet, I wasn't half eating alot today.

So, I have eaten too much and not moved a muscle in terms of exercise. Not good. Not happy with myself. I have just grabbed the dog by her ears (affectionately) as she reclines in an arm chair and promised her a VERY long, lovely walk tomorrow, regardless of the weather.

Please God, let me have a good night's sleep. I am whacked!

I must make progress.
E xx

A quiet day

14st 3lb. I was hoping for a loss. Last night was book club at my friend with the fabulous kitchen - thankfully she is an amazing cook as well so deserves her appliances! Anyway, I steadfastly avoided the nibbles, the beautiful pear crumble and cream, the Stilton, the chocolate biscuits with the coffee. I ate chicken, roast vegetables and tomato salad. So, I thought I might have been rewarded. Never mind.

Today has been work all day so no walk, jog or exercise of any description. I had Weetabix for breakfast, courgette & creme fraiche soup with an egg sandwich from the local deli for lunch and smoked salmon & prawns with a slice of bread for supper.

Tomorrow (14th November) I am cooking Christmas Lunch for around 100 people - the air is filled with the smell of Christmas pudding, mince pies and roasting turkeys! Aaaagggghhhh. It's just around the corner!!!!

See you tomorrow.

Exx

Keep on running!

Weigh in tomorrow and I am hopeful. I am right "in the zone" and feeling full of beans.

I went out early today as the sky is blue, the sun is high in the sky....but it's due to bucket down by this afternoon. I had no Lucy as she has gone shooting for the day (she's a gun dog) - it is not the same walking without the pup scampering along side. However, I did the long walk and, in spite of what I said a couple of days ago, I am improving - I might still be red and puffing but I think my recovery time is less. Anyway, I got to the top of the Gill and decided to jog down as much as I could. I managed 20 x 10 steps first, then 30 x 10 steps, then 20 again - well up on yesterday. I was gasping like a monkfish out of water (you know, the one with the big mouth and fat tail) by the bottom but I was still standing and hadn't wet myself - the sense of achievement was fantastic. The most surprising and encouraging thing is that my knee is holding out and I am not aching. As I run I feel my buttocks bouncing and know that it is doing some good!

I am becoming like a reformed smoker - the ones who tut at smokers in a condescending manner with a "if I can give up, you can" kind of way. Really irritating. The reason I say this is that yesterday, I was in Northallerton after the hospital and went to Costa coffee for a skinny latte and the most revolting "healthy living" <300 calories tuna sandwich you could find (I didn't eat it, complained and didn't get my money back - not pleased). As I sat, with nothing to read, I watched people coming and going as you do. A lady came in with her husband, told him what she wanted and went to sit down. She was about my age, extremely pretty and attractively dressed. However, she was also very fat, out of breath and walking with a stick. She smiled over and I smiled back. Her husband came with her lunch - a hot panini with cheese melting out of it, a large latte and a pastry. Now, for all I know, she had had an operation on her leg and needed a stick but I suspect, like me, her problems with her legs are exacerbated by her weight. As I have said before, we cannot expect our knees, hips and ankles to support excessive weight without problems. I had to fight the urge to go over to her and ask her to join my quest to improve our lives, not just for now, but for many, many more mobile years to come. I am along way off the end of the road to better health - but at least I am on it. I am obviously not on the motorway but the B roads. It's not pomposity that makes me want to go to her, it's genuine desire to make her more comfortable. You'll be relieved to know that I didn't.

Well, lots to do today. Done the ironing and washing. Going to wash kitchen floor and muck out downstairs loo - I am sure we don't wear half of the shoes in there. Then I am going to write my CV - yes, I am. Then I am going to consider where on earth I should send it. What do I want to do with this life of mine? I just don't know.

Now, there's that barn at the top of the hill. Would the farm give it up to be a cookery school...............................? It's those darn fairies again!

E xx

I'm loving Me Month!

I feel I've made up for yesterday. I really have enjoyed today from start to finish. After getting the girls off to school without incident, I went took Lucy out on the slightly longer Skelgill walk. I had to set off for the hospital by 10am and needed a shower beforehand so the pressure was on. I set a good pace and even broke into a bit of a run in places, when I could guarantee no audience. I felt inspired to actually set out to run part of it in future - it really gets the lungs working and the blood pumping. Unfortunately I just don't have the bladder for running (or the knees, hips, ankles, veins, internal organs) and I will make sure that I don't have a drink for at least two hours prior to setting out.

In fact, so inspired was I that, when I got back from Northallerton, I donned my trackies (not an alluring sight) and my very old trainers, drove up to the top of the moor and ran along an old track on the scar. I say ran. Stumbled might be more fitting but at least I made the effort. Lucy looked a little confused at first, leaping up at my side (probably ensuring I wasn't having some kind of fit) but, after a while she settled in to her usual running, sniffing, peeing and chasing. I like rhythm and have an obsession with counting so I counted to 10 ten times as I jogged, then walked the same, then jogged etc. It was good!

Today, I feel truly alive and positive about the future. The hospital visit went smoothly and I have been fitted for a pair of serious support stockings but, thankfully, they only come to below the knee and they are black. Sexy.

My diet has been good and I am sure I have recompensed for yesterday. I will find out on Friday. Tomorrow is another day all to myself. Lots to do but me to set the agenda. Excellent.

E xx

Bloody hell. What is it with me?

I had thought about pretending that I hadn't had time to write today, but then I thought, "No, no, Lizzie, that's not how it works. You have to confess."

I went to work determined to carry on yesterday's goodness. Started well enough with two Weetabix for breakfast. Behaved all morning and then got to lunchtime and....I ate fish with mushy peas! We're talking deep fried, in batter fish here, not lightly grilled. You see it was left over and would have been wasted. It looked so nice. So I had a "Sod it" moment and stuffed it down. I felt sick. I was so cross with myself. As slight vindictation, I got home, got changed and took Lucy out and I haven't had any supper. I am sorry.....again!

Other than my horrific car crash of a diet, nothing much happened. I did pass a comment at work that I could do with some "jocks" to keep my tights up - at our all-girls boarding school we wore thick, dark green outer knickers (jocks) over our normal knickers (presumably so that if we fell over, you couldn't see our pants). Apart from keeping your bottom warm, they held your tights up (you wore them over your tights). I happened to say how much I loved Boots opaque tights - they are more expensive than supermarket ones but they are lovely quality. Added to which, Boots also very kindly describe their big-girl tights as "TFF" not "XXL". One of my esteemed colleagues piped up with, "What, you'd rather be described as "Too F*****g Fat" than "Xtra Xtra Large"?!? (it actually stands for a very cuddly sounding Tall Fuller Figure). Cheeky woman!

Anyway, off to Northallerton tomorrow. Good walk before I go then a stock up on the market with inspiring fruit and vegetables. Back on the horse.....again!

E xx

PS My little notebook on the homepage of my computer has been changed from "My mummy is beautiful x" to "I've got a yummy mummy". Heart bursts. x

Second Week. Me Month.

14st 3lb. Hey, good one! I woke up feeling slim (for me) and hopped on the scales with confidence - rewarded! Will have a good week.

I am doing ok at this focussing stuff. I have had a good walk every day for the past week and really enjoyed it. I don't seem to be making much progress in the fitness stakes though - I am still bright red and knackered by the time I get to the top of the Gill. I have been fortunate with the weather - no driving wind and rain to contend with yet. Rain I'm ok with, wind I am not. Work tomorrow but shouldn't be too late so may fit in my flirt with exercise. On Wednesday I have the joys of a scan on my leg in the morning followed by a fitting for my very attractive surgical stocking in the afternoon - my, my, the delights of being 44.

Anyway, I am feeling rather pleased with myself as I have been well ahead of trend in this blog. Last week, there was a report in the paper about "Thinheritance" (why thin, when the issue is fat?) - how a mother's attitude to her daughter's weight led to her own daughter having serious self loathing issues (I covered that weeks ago Daily Mail!). Today, the myths of being chubby - not eating enough puts your body into conservation mode (thinking it's starving) and so your weight plateaus - no, you plateau because your calorie intake is too high, ie, you eat too much! I have also tackled the fact that I will always eat enough - do you think the Daily Mail are poaching subjects from my blog??? Hmmm, interesting thought. I shall keep an eye out and then put in a bill.

I personally don't think a plateau is harmful, as long as you don't lose heart and go back to bad habits. Speaking as someone who has just had one for 6 weeks, it does allow your body to settle into the weight before starting the next phase with enthusiasm. It's like practising for the day you reach goal and have to maintain that plateau for ever more - as long as you don't plateau after each pound of course!

So, just four more pounds to go before I never see the 14stones again. Doesn't sound much. Sounds achieveable. Onward, ever onward.

E xx
PS Thank you Kestrel for your comments - makes perfect sense of course. It's like asking Him to sort my life out - I am sure He thinks it's fine already! x