less stodge, less podge

On the pills

2010-03-04T20:07:00.005Z

Started the pills.....and grumpy! Attitude goes along way and I seem to have been at odds with myself all day and as a result, nothing has gone right. Bruce is amazed, my colleagues are amused and the children openly laughing as I have had my first not perfect day at work. I made stupid mistakes and should have been able to do far more than I did without asking for help.

Then I got home and started a risotto with roast chicken for the children (they had friends too). Softened onion, red peppers and mini leeks in olive oil and poured in the rice. Thought it smelt a bit odd before realising that I'd used pudding rice instead of arborio. Now I know you can make rice pud with arborio but not so sure about the other way round. Rather than risk the only veg I had, I picked it all out into another pan and started again. Not happy, especially when I had to pick out a small spoonful before putting in all the lovely, melting mature cheddar. Anyway, it went down well enough (I had salmon - delicious).

To make my day worse, my lovely friend on the liquid diet has lost another 6lbs in the past week and has now lost 3st 4lb in 9 weeks. I want that diet!!! I am sure I couldn't stick with the very harsh regime and the no solid food rule, but, possibly having seen her morph into this gorgeous being (she was before, just bigger) I could be pursuaded...if I had the money. I do admire her resilience and her stamina.

Anyway, diet good. Mood bad. Tomorrow is another day. Going to bed early with "Cutting For Stone" - one of the best books I've read in ages.

E xx

Progress - kind of!

2010-03-02T21:49:00.002Z

14st 7lb. So that's 5lb off in a week. Fantastic. I'm now back to the weight I was in, ooooh, I can't be bothered to look but I suspect November! Anyway, back on the road. Went to the docs today - when I rang to see if I could have a repeat prescription, they suggested that maybe a two year gap was a bit long so I had to go in. He was great and agreed with my admission that I am just not making progress, as I have NO self discipline. I need a kick start.
On Saturday night, I went to hear an Irish band in the village hall (there were two of them - one from Darlington and the other from Doncaster!) and sat next to a lovely friend who I haven't seen since Christmas. OH MY GOD! She looked stunning. She's a strikingly attractive woman anyway but she looked fantastic. Glowing, healthy skin. Finely honed cheekbones. Massive smile. She says she feels utterly brilliant for the first time in years (her husband seemed to think she was a bit of a sex pot as well - VERY attentive!). She has lost 3 stone in 7 weeks. She hasn't had solid food in the whole time and can't have any for another few weeks yet. She's doing the LighterLife diet which is liquid only (judging by her healthy looks, it must be vitamin enhanced). It is an investment (it's expensive) but, if you can afford it and it changes your life, it must be worth it. I suppose you are meant to be so delighted with the new you that introducing food again means you'll do it sensibly to maintain the new you. However, I can remember how I felt when I had lost weight 5 years ago and how I vowed never to put it back on but the lure of the "naughties" beat my resolve. It's a trial. It's tempting to say that "it's not natural", "a quick fix", "not teaching you good habits" - but looking at her lovely smiling happy face and you would find it hard to criticise.

Oh, and when I said that if I could afford it, I would be tempted to give it a try, she replied that I couldn't because you had to be obese and have at least 5 stone to lose, so I wouldn't qualify. Hah, I've always suspected I look thinner than I am!!! I could lose 5 stone obviously and still be in a "healthy" weight - I would look ill but be clinically healthy!

So, on with the pills. Cheating in theory I know but they don't actually magically make you lose weight, just stop you being able to eat fat ie cut out temptation.

Bruce has started lambing so can't take Lucy in the mornings - walking is my responsibility for a while. Good. My fitness is rock bottom (and sadly, my bottom isn't like rock).

E xx

I dropped off the wagon

2010-02-24T22:03:00.003Z

Hi anyone who is still there! I am sorry not to have blogged for a while - for starters, my laptop decided to conk out and had to go off to the magic man to be mended. It came back last night - with 67 emails for me to catch up on!

Also, I have been so crap at dieting for so long now that I thought you couldn't possibly still be with me!

So, last time I blogged, I was jogging at 6.45am. Was I ill? Had I taken metabolic rate boosting tablets/drunk Red Bull/taken speed? No, none of those. Sadly, my massive energy boost died after 7 days (which, for me, was impressive). However, back to positivity now - more later. That was a good week, culminating in going to Sheffield to stay with friend from school days. You would not believe the things I did which were totally out of character. I arrived on Friday night, having driven straight from work without incident (but not without customary sweeties, latte, crisps, etc on the journey - friend had mentioned being on a diet too so I think I was afraid I was to be starved!). Anyway, I parked the car and was whizzed off without even going into the house.....to the Health Club. Panic not. It was for a charity fund raiser for Water Aid as my friend and her gym bunnies are rowing across the Atlantic in tandem with a local father and son team who are doing it for real. By the end of the evening, I was standing in front of a group of people I had never met, singing an improvised version of "Row, row, row your boat" with words of support for the rowing team. Embarrassed? You bet! Anyway, we won! (a bottle of champagne that my friend had donated).
Having stayed up too late drinking too much red wine, I was surprised to find myself in a swimming pool doing lengths by 8.45am on Saturday morning. I swam up and down in the slow lane going clockwise. After a few lengths of irritatingly (and surprisingly) catching up with the people in front (it was an over-80's group....kidding!) I decided to be brave and dip under the ropes into the medium lane. After four lengths of getting increasingly frustrated at the arrogant woman who refused to move out of the way each time she met me ("alright, I'll swim round you if I must!) I realised that you go anti-clockwise in the middle lane. Choking with amusement (and exhaustion at having to keep up the pace) I apologised profusely as we passed. After 30 lengths (1/2 mile) I went for a well earned steam room relax. Silence as I walked in. Fairly full. Very hot. The clash of abundant flesh onto wet, warm marble, gave out the loudest, fartiest noise you could not replicate if you wanted to prove it wasn't actually a bodily function. I did the expected "oops, sorry, wet seat" and collapsed in humiliated giggles in the corner. Christ, I was supposed to be still in bed!
By the time we got back to the house at midday, I was ready for a sleep - so much exercise, so little fitness! We laughed, gossipped and generally had a totally revitalising, fun weekend. Thanks Gigi.
When I got back I was still keen to run each morning - until the Wednesday when I couldn't face getting up and going out in the cold. It's gone by the wayside.
So, to date. I'm afraid I decided that I am not doing this diet thing very well (to put it mildly) and am creeping the weight back on (or piling might be more apt). On Sunday morning I was 14st 12lb. BIG whoops. I go into hospital next month for my foam filler op and am going to be severely told off. So, I must confess, I have resorted to my fat pills. Confession. I'm back on the Orlistat (or at least I hope to continue as I only have enough for one week so hopefully the doc will re prescribe). If I take them, I have to behave. I can eat no fat. I could eat sugar without unpleasant side effects but I'm not going to. So far, 3 days without problems and without a single naughty bit of food.
Time to get this show on the road. Again. For real. Cheating a bit I feel, but essential.
Back on the blog. Let me know how you're doing.
Love
Exx

HaHa...the pedometer is dodgy!

2010-02-04T22:28:00.002Z

Speedy blog as I am absolutely knackered.

I just wanted to let you know that I went on my little run this morning (I think over a third is jogged now) with the pedometer and it showed 0.91 miles - I knew it!!! It needs to be carefully placed and in my haze yesterday, it obviously wasn't put on the right bit of my waistband. I shall now try tomorrow and see what it says.

I have had a really busy day at work, viewing lovely properties with some lovely people (I am so lovely at the mo, aren't I?!) but its exhausting smiling, chatting encouragingly and being enthusiastic. I had the usual breakfast and then made a batch of carrot & coriander soup for working lunch (with 3 dates). We all had a pork chop with lots of veggies for supper.

Continuing on the right track.

E xx

just had to post!

2010-02-03T22:03:00.003Z

I am such an annoyingly positive, happy person (I'm not sure who I am annoying, but it must get someone!). It is so out of character for me - all this routine, planning, positivity - it surely must end soon. Today I was so busy at work, utterly engrossed and pre-occupied, that I forgot lunch - repeat, forgot lunch! It doesn't happen to me. I ended up eating a pear en route to meet a client. By the time I got home I was famished and could have eaten a horse (or Mum's fat pup) but I made a rocket (yes, I'm using it up!), avocado and prawn salad with a piece of brown bread (no butter).

I got up again this morning and went out for my run/walk with fat Polly. I took my pedometer which hasn't left the bathroom shelf for many months. I worked on the principle that 15/20 minutes of speedy run-walking, must warrant at least a mile. I got back in and excitedly checked the dial - 0.41 miles - what!! I am sure it's wrong and will test again tomorrow. The best thing about this little exercise spurt, is that if I feel like I am about to nick something tasty, I question what is the point of forcing myself up in the morning to go out in the cold, dark morning if I am then going to eat more naughty calories than I could possibly have burned. However, the distance thing set me thinking that, in actual fact, it doesn't really matter how far it is, the important thing is that I come back in feeling great - alive and ready for action. My skin is glowing - amazing, isn't it, what you can achieve in 3 days - I should bottle and sell it! So, if the distance run doesn't matter, does the same principle apply to the scales? Surely it does. If my waistband is less tight, top of my trouser leg looser and chins less wattle-like, does it matter what I actually weigh? I would say not. I appreciate that from a health/BMI point of view, actual weight is important, but in reality, a good body shape and healthy size (a 14 in my case would be nice) then that, to me, is most crucial.

However, I will weigh myself on Monday - but hope not to be demoralised.

Still positive!

E xx

Crikey, it's been a week!

2010-02-02T22:19:00.002Z

However, quite a good week and getting better.

I am now working full time in the same job and enjoying the strange sensation of being "normal". I woke up on Saturday morning, pottered round sorting washing and then set off to Northallerton for an optician's appointment. I have ordered a pair of glasses which look quite nice - or at least until I get them back with lenses in and I hate them, like I have every other pair I've ever owned. My youngest wears specs and really suits them - and really loves them too, which is good. I have never liked them but feel the need for a safety net if ever I can't wear my lenses. After the opticians, I went to Homebase and bought paint for the kitchen. In October, our boiler was removed from the wall in the kitchen, leaving an area of bare plaster. I don't know what it is other than familiarity, but, when it was first removed, I was horrified at the mess. A couple of months of inertia later and, to be honest, I didn't even notice it. Anyway, on Saturday I decided to get it sorted. I got home (in sunny weather) and washed the car for the first time in over a year and then painted most of the kitchen. It looks great and I felt knackered but satisfied.

Doesn't the above sound comfortingly mundane? Yes. It is. I am a normal working person with a routine. I love it.

Anyway, diet. Still not facing the scales but.....I will by Monday next. I have taken myself in hand. I have mother's overweight dog staying for a fortnight and his nibs won't take a stunted rotweiller-look a like on the farm. As I am out all day, I have to take her out before work. So I have been getting up at 6.45am, pulling on my trackies and trainers and going for a run!!! Well, a kind of run/walk/run/walk. Just a quick 20 minutes round the fields and I come in, eat a healthy breakfast of homemade muesli with fruit and then do a few bits and pieces and set off out for the day. I take lunch to work (yesterday ratatouille, today a rocket, pear and prawn salad) and have a sensible supper (yesterday same salad as today's lunch, today salmon and cous cous). This fabulous routine has been in place for all of two days but, I am feeling buzzy and good in myself and hopeful....again! I feel so good all morning after going out early but I do hate getting out of bed in the first place - especially as it is starting to forecast a bit of snow again - it's bloody cold!

So, weight next Monday. I am off to see an old school friend (she's not old) for the weekend. I haven't seen her for a few years so there'll be lots of gossip and I suspect lots of wine on the menu. She has just informed me we are booked into the gym first thing Saturday morning so good start. Really looking forward to it.

Positive thinking.

E xx

stress and diets don't mix

2010-01-27T22:07:00.003Z

Well, it was my first day as a full timer and it felt rather strange, but nicely so, to think that I am now a "normal" person for the first time in years - going off to work to the same place every morning, working for someone else and, most importantly, I will be earning a wage on a regular basis. I am really excited about this new chapter.

Anyway, I got off to a great start and had a stimulating, interesting and informative day. On the diet front (which I am sure is going to be good) I had porridge (the usual - made with water, mixed seeds and brown sugar added at the end but today I sweetened with 2 chopped up dates instead) for breakfast, a really unpleasant Weight Watchers pasta bake for lunch (rushing out of house without having made soup) and there was a chicken ready in the "on timer" oven when I got in from work. The children had peeled veg and got them started so, within 1/2 hour of walking in the door, we were all around the table with a roast dinner and a happy, chatty mood. I had a pear for pudding. All going well.

Then came a challenging telephone conversation, the details of which are irrelevant but, suffice to say, I came off the phone feeling a level of stress and frustration that has been unfamiliar of late. I immediately felt the urge to eat sugar - if there had been a box of chocs left from Christmas, I would have devoured them at one sitting. As it was, I had a slice of toast with a thin slither of butter and a sprinkle of sugar. WHAT!!! I know. What is it about misery/stress/anger that makes me reach for sweetness? There must be a reason. Not just psychological. It's physical need. Is it chemical? Why don't I feel the urge to punch something instead (a legitimate punchbag, not a partner or the dog!). I don't know but my conclusion is that one slice of toast isn't the end of the world, just avoid stressful phone calls in future!

So, tidy clothes and a positive smile again tomorrow! I love my job!!!

E xx
PS Well aware that there is a little batch of numbers missing from the top left hand corner of this blog - will dust down the scales soon but I know by my waist band, that it's not good enough to face the scales yet

last day as a cook

2010-01-26T22:51:00.002Z

So, my time as the cook at the Auction Mart is over. I feel quite sad as I have really enjoyed it and will miss many aspects of it. As Sally, a commenter on this blog, said yesterday - "you can't take the caterer out of the girl"- I would agree. I am born to nurture and feed. I have said on many occasions, I love to gather people together and stuff them full of gorgeous, comforting food. However, I do think I am going to enjoy cooking again and hopefully, have a mess with a few recipes and styles. When I have had a day cooking at work, I don't feel like turning to and producing something beautiful for the family supper. I am hoping this is going to change - at least at weekends, if I have time between washing, ironing, cleaning etc - how do people work fulltime and run a house and family? Fun times ahead!

I am so tired my eyes are struggling to stay open. I was going to debate diet pills and their damage but I can't stay awake long enough. Suffice to say, we need a healthy balanced diet without the addition of chemicals, additives and other such unnatural things - keep off them and try harder.

The Davina DVD was great - I managed 11 minutes before collapsing in a chair exhausted - and 7 minutes of that time was the warm up!!! Improvements to fitness are urgently needed. My body is sad (my dog is sad as well and not understanding this lack of walking boots and coat - much neglected pup).

See you tomorrow.
E xx

A guilty pleasure

2010-01-24T22:26:00.004Z

I contemplated today whether there can be such a thing as a guilty pleasure. A sneaky glass of Baileys/handful of chocolates/bowl of cereal, etc. I don't think it can be a pleasure if it's guilty. You don't enjoy it. I really do have a problem with eating - it is very rarely a good experience as I know that I shouldn't be eating the food I'm eating. I am without discipline and self control. I keep thinking that I will be fine once I get to my new job full time (I only have this week to go at the Auction) but it shouldn't take that kind of change to spur me on my way.

The scales are in the cupboard getting dusty. I can't face them as I know it's bad news. However, today I went to the Metro Centre with a group of 13 year olds for my daughter's birthday and, you won't believe this but, I bought an exercise DVD!!!! I stood infront of the shelf in W H Smiths contemplating which of the unfeasible looking routines would suit me - my daughters thought that a Ministry of Sound dance based one would be good but I am 44 and must be realistic. I thought about Hannah Waterman's top seller but, to be honest, although obviously she looks slim, there is something a little spooky about how she looks - it's the long thin neck. I also thought the girls might think it was a bit uncool. So, we have Davina. I am a little concerned that the sitting room is not large, I am and I like my china. Must not get carried away! Tomorrow I will get started and also plan a walk for the last time during working hours due to the fact that I start full time next week.

Last night I went out for dinner with my colleagues from work as my leaving do. It was such a good evening and I loved every minute. Although I am glad to be leaving catering, I am going to really miss the girls I work with - they have all been such a support to me, as well as being fun, full of gossip and good friends. I will miss them. The girls were all out when I got back from work so I treated myself to a long hot bath and actually took time to style my newly cut hair. Then I popped my head round Emily's bedroom door to see if she had some lens solution and spotted her makeup on the bed (very rare - its usually in her bag). It was a reverse of the little girl playing with Mummy's makeup - it was such fun to experiment with all her gorgeous glittery bright colours. I probably looked like a clown but I felt great and actually went out with a degree of confidence. The meal started well with the meal with a sea bass starter but then I had a wild mushroom, spinach and pinenut pasta dish - divine flavours. Very rich. Won't even think of the calories. At least I didn't have a pudding. It was all washed down with too much red wine and countless Baileys. My ample bosom was the focus of attention - it would appear that my colleagues (both male and female) only see me in an apron and seemed surprised at my very obvious decollete. There was much hilarity and teasing. No surprising that I had a thumping hangover and queasy stomach this morning. The Lord rewarded me for missing church in order to take daughter and friends shopping, by confining me in the car for one and a half hours with 4 over excited, raucous teenage girls. Wow, they can talk/shout/sing without hesitation....... interminably.
Suffice to say, I am ready for my bed. This IS going to be the week I start my new figure.......I don't expect you to believe me!

E xx

100th blog

2010-01-20T23:07:00.002Z

This is my 100th time of writing - wow! And so little weight loss!!! It makes me smile at my incredible inadequacy. However, I'm really positive about the potential for success with my new job. I am still part time which is frustrating as I want to get my teeth into the job (rather than the chip fryer contents) - my healthy breakfast/soup lunch/restrained supper is really working well and I am sure I will see results as soon as it is permanent.

I have a stinking cold and, if I were a nice mummy, would be feeling really guilty. You see, eldest daughter, Emily, has had one for about 3 weeks now and the only acknowledgement I have made of this fact, is to ask her not to snivvel and sneeze near me. Two days into this cold, I am a pathetic, woe is me, miserable bag of snivvel. However, on the plus side, it is significantly better than it was yesterday.

Anyway, I have the right shape for being healthy as I have a fat arse and big legs - apparently this protects against heart disease and is a healthy shape to be. It doesn't seem to take into account the joints and how much they struggle to support the excess podge.

Another little nugget of information gleaned this week suggests that we are getting fat due to setting the central heating too high in the cold weather. Now this does make sense. Apparently we get too comfortable and lazy settled on the sofa watching the tv instead of moving round to keep warm and burn off energy. This is certainly true of me in the past few weeks - I love the snow to look at but am none too keen to set off out in it. I will definitely struggle to exercise until the nights draw out as it is dark at both ends of the day.

Tomorrow I am going to have my hair cut - I can stand it no more and have decided to try my adorable niece's skills. I will let you know how I get on tomorrow. A new me. Again.

E xx
PS I hope it doesn't take another 100 posts to lose the next couple of stones!

Emotion

2010-01-17T22:40:00.002Z

There must be so many people who feel like I do. I feel so emotional but so useless. I watch the news and well up, seeing such misery and pain. I am, of course, thinking of Haiti. I have just watched a young woman being gently eased out of the rubble after 5 days - can you imagine 5 days of such fear? Such inability to change your situation? My chest is tight with emotion. I want to do more but don't know what, especially considering my job, dependents etc. One day I hope I can find the physical and emotional strength to be properly useful in such a disaster - I just want to feed and comfort those poor people. What frustrates me most is that I am so ill informed that I didn't know the plight of Haitians, even before this horror.

I am never going to buy the Daily Mail again. In the past 4 days, the Haiti earthquake has never warranted being higher than page 8. Today, fuel bills, Leona Lewis, Prince William and others, have been given a higher billing. It is an awful truth to realise that is where the Mail thinks its readers priorities lie. Even if it does supply a steady stream of dieting materials, I can no longer support such inanities.

The coffee morning in the Village Hall was great. We were busy from start to finish and raised £750 which will go to Christian Aid's Appeal. It was good to see smiling faces, chatting eagerly having been confined to barracks by the weather for the past few weeks. As we expect in this lovely village, everyone rallied with generosity to help raise funds for a good cause.

The snow has gone except around the edges of the fields and on the tops. It is good to be able to walk with confidence and not teeter round looking like my Gran. Now I just need lighter nights and I can stop making excuses for my lack of exercise.

Tomorrow is my middle babe's 13th birthday - the curls are tamed with GHD's but the smile and Minstrel-coloured eyes are the same (if enhanced by occasional flicks of mascara). I want her to have a happy day. I wonder if the Emma Bridgewater Union Jack doorstop in the shape of a cockerel was a good idea..................

E xx

Haiti - should I be worrying about my weight?

2010-01-14T21:18:00.002Z

Looking at harrowing pictures of the devastation in Haiti, I feel a little shallow even contemplating my weight. However, just to bring you up to date (a bit briefly as busy - more in a minute) I have been really enjoying my new job and am finding food control easy so far. Yesterday I took a boiled egg, salad and banana.....and had indigestion all afternoon from the raw peppers (which I love but give me stomach ache) - well, at least, I think it was the peppers but it could be the fact that my waistband on my skirt is quite snug and I am sitting down all the time - I have a red wheal around my waist. Either an elastic waist or loss of an inch is called for. I left a chicken in the oven on timer for when I got in which worked well.
Today, I made some parsnip and celeriac soup BEFORE going to work which I had for lunch with an orange. Again, I set the timer for baked potatoes and a beef stew (made healthily) and had a yoghurt for pud. I am optimistic that I can crack it.
I am in a rush as trying to rally as many troups as possible for a COFFEE MORNING on Saturday 16th in ASKRIGG VILLAGE HALL in aid of the CHRISTIAN AID HAITI APPEAL. 10am kick off with raffle, cake stall, jumble, etc - need to raise lots of money for this horrendous tragedy. Obviously I appreciate those of you in India/Spain/France can't come, but if anyone is near enough and feels like a chatty morning, then get yourselves there.
I'm off but will be back at the weekend - fat bottoms are GOOD!!!!!!!!

E xx

Enjoying being good

2010-01-11T21:31:00.003Z

Good day today both generally and with food. I decided that enough was enough and this kamikaze eating has got to stop.

So, cut up banana & pear with natural low fat yoghurt and seeds for breakfast. A rocket, prawn and lemon wrap (low fat tortilla) for lunch with a tangerine. A rocket (well, it needs using), prawn (likewise), pear (they're ripe) and avocado salad for supper - it was delicious and made a perfect starter. Mmm. Wot, no main course?

So, pleased with myself. Even more pleased as I tormented myself by making Shepherd's Pie with carrots and peas followed by syrup sponge and custard for Bruce and the children. Those lovely crusty bits round the edge of the dish - all left in the dish. Bonus star for lizzie.

Took Lucy out in the snow which I'm sure is the physical equivalent of twice the distance - it's very firming (or would be if I did more of it). I have been to our village singing group - an informal collection of all ages who just enjoy singing. It's surprisingly like a workout after an hour and far preferable to a fitness class.

Please let me stay in the zone.....

E xx

It is Sunday

2010-01-10T22:20:00.003Z

I want to give you an extract from a poem that was used as the blessing at the end of the service last week. It was epiphany and the sermon had been about revelation and having faith.

"I said to the man who stood at the gate to the year, "Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown."
And he replied, "Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way."

Hope the new year is a good one for you too.

E xx

A good week

2010-01-09T16:35:00.002Z

No weight. Can't face it yet and did say I wouldn't be able to until mid month. Mmm. One week to go then. We are surrounded by diet advice - every paper, magazine and media type is full of it. Metabolic, Fad, Low Carb, Low fat....and the list goes on. They all promise to be easy, keep it off, never hungry, etc. I put "weight loss" into google and got 120MILLION possible connections - "diet advice" gives 52.8 What is the world coming to? We are obsessed and you can see why these diet clubs/websites/foods etc are worth a fortune. We are desperate to get thinner/fitter/healthier yet seem incapable of doing it. As I have banged on about before, no number of diet books and fitness DVD's are going to help unless you are "in the zone" and ready to bite the bullet (rather than another biscuit/chocolate/lump of cheese).

I am not in the zone. I am praying that the situation is resolved when I start work full time in an office environment, where I am expected to look presentable and smart. I am more used to wearing an apron (with three sheep donning swimming caps with the caption, "Dip looks cold today girls!" on the pocket) over a black skirt and long sleeved t-shirt, smelling of chip fat and bacon - is there any hope? I took homemade soup to work on both of my working days and ate sensibly for breakfast and supper. Unfortunately there was a dark chocolate orange left (which his nibs and I polished off at one sitting) and is still the remnants of a bottle of Baileys on the dresser, tempting me to have a little nip every night - thankfully it is nearly gone. Today though, I went to check on an elderly neighbour who must be going stir-crazy by now as he hasn't been out of the house for weeks due to the snow - and he gave me a box of gorgeous looking Lindt chocolates, with the specific instruction that I have to enjoy them without an ounce of guilt or subsequent remorse. Who am I to ignore such instruction?

My problem is that, since the beginning of December, my life has taken a positive turn. I had a fantastic, happy Christmas. I love the snow and the spectacular scenery that lifts and energises at every glance (yes Bruce, I know its really hard for farmers and that you are f***ing sick of it!). I have a new job and am pretty certain I will have found my niche. I have discovered this love of scribbling my inane thoughts down on a blog and find it immensely satisfying. My girls are all healthy and happy. My relationship is great. All in all, I feel incredibly blessed, not a little smug, and an enormous amount of happiness. The upshot of this PMA (positive mental attitude) is that I am no longer pre-occupied with my weight. I no longer feel huge, unattractive and a blight on the face of the earth.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not running around happy with the curves, lumps and bumps. I know that I am no where near as fit as I should be. I am certainly not "giving up" and resigning myself to being this size. The new outfit I bought last week fits but will look so much better in half a stone's time. Last night, a (admittedly young) girl came into the pub (why was I there? more to follow) whom I hadn't seen for some time - she looked fantastic! She has lost a nice bit of weight and was positively glowing - shiny hair, good skin, toned figure and oooooozing the confidence that every twenty-something should. I want to feel like that again. I might have lost almost 2 stone since this time last year but no one notices you go from very big to a little bit less very big. I might feel better but it's not an immediately noticeable improvement.

On Monday, I am starting with a vengeance.......again!!!!!!!!

Anyway, on a lighter note, I titled this post "A good week" and it has been.
1. Girls all good, happy, healthy and sledging for the third week in a row.
2. I started my new job and am very optimistic about it.
3. Most important.....I got to the semi-finals in the domino knock-out in the pub last night! Absolutely incredible. Anyone that knows me is aware that I am not a regular in the pubs (although I have been known to dance on the tables and be more than a little raucous) and couldn't hit a dart board however hard I tried. However, last night as the drinks were downed and the natural urge to win kicked in, I found the tension rising as I carefully considered which domino to put down. At one stage you would think I was playing poker for all the careful pondering to up skittle my opponents whilst knowing full well I only had one possible domino. I even learnt not to put them in a little semi-circle, that you don't play with 7, you don't have to play the double six first and you play much better with a little help from the liquor! By golly, it was fun - helped along by getting through the rounds of course.

Anyway, time to start the supper (baked potato, pork chop - fat removed, spinach) and then have a bath. Relaxing evening ahead. Now, can I justify that good bottle of red we never got round to at Christmas...................

E xx

New Year, new job!

2010-01-05T22:04:00.003Z

I have decided to do myself a favour and not weigh myself for a fortnight. This is because the excesses will not be pretty. Unfortunately, my new years' resolutions have thus far been: Sunday - diet starts tomorrow; Monday - diet really starts tomorrow; Tuesday - right, that's it - the diet, without compromise, STARTS TOMORROW!!! I am about to have a Baileys whilst watching Kill it, Cook it, Eat it (Piper's Farm, Devon - fantastic people!) and then, get organised.

The newspapers are full of NEW diets. Fantastic, easy, magically successful diets, never been done before. We know what to do - it's finding the energy, inclination, will power, control etc, to do it. I watched The Big Fat Diet Show tonight which was quite interesting - I am sure I could diet more easily if someone would open the 100 calorie shop - everything conveniently packed into 100 calorie packs. Perfect! Select 12 bags and you've got your food for the day. If only life was that convenient. The presenter did quote the old adage, "Fail to plan, plan to fail". So true.

Tomorrow I start my new job - working in an estate agents! I am going to be able to nose round lovely houses with legitimacy! I love houses and interiors as well as selling so maybe, at last, I could find my niche. The pinny has come off (almost) and sensible clothes need to go on. I am in a quandry there as I have very few acceptable tidy clothes but am loathe to buy too many in the hope (or, more positively, with the knowledge) that I am going to lose more weight. My budget does not allow for clothes that are only going to last for a month (how optimistic is that!). I went into a local dress shop last week and came out thinking that it is a good job I am a relatively laid back person with a sense of humour. Firstly I selected a top - the girl in the shop who is younger but not much, than me, said, "oh yes, Mum's got that one, it looks nice on". Mmm, not an auspicious start. Then I selected a skirt to which she let me know that she had it in a bigger size. As I walked towards the changing room, the owner asked what size I had got, I said a 16 and she replied that she had got it in an 18 if I needed it. Mmm, do you want me to buy anything? Would you like a sales course in making your customers feel good? I felt like leaping out of the changing room just to show them that it fitted! (but I had my jeans around my knees and walking boots on my feet so it wasn't a good look!). I bought the skirt and a good pair of smart boots, after it had been pointed out that they had buckles at the side which let out to fit larger calves - great! So, the hippo has a tidy outfit for her first day at work. Hopefully the snow will hold off long enough for me to get to the office.

All is well in the Guy household. We had a great festive period and are all in positive mood for the coming year. Going back to full time work, especially not self employed, is going to be a shock to the system but one that I embrace with enthusiasm. Time will tell.

THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW.....AGAIN!!

E xx

2010 here we come!!

2009-12-31T19:13:00.002Z

14st5lb. Ok, so that's not so good. However, in my defense, if it weren't for you lot, I would ignore the scales like the rest of the nation until at least the middle of January until normality is restored. I shall commit now to be down to at least a straight 14st by the middle of January.

I have been a really useless dieter during this blog. On a positive note, I started the year weighing 16st 3lb and feeling utterly crap about myself. I am finishing it weighing almost 2stone less and feeling ok-ish about myself physically and very positive and happy internally, so there has been big progress. I feel as if I am about to motor.

I am going to sign off now as we are going out to supper and then knocking back the odd drink or two before midnight. I will do reflection another day (soon). I am going to get back to regular postings when life settles down again in the new year.

I wish every one a very happy, healthy and fulfilling year ahead.

Loads of love to all,
E xx

I'll go with Kestrel

2009-12-30T21:48:00.003Z

"What is life if we cannot enjoy with friends and family at this lovely time." I quite agree. In fact you have neatly led me into my rant for the Christmas period.

Now, before I start I have to admit that I am not a fan of shopping at the best of times, but particularly when I am broke. I loathe abject materialism and the spend, spend, spend culture in which we live.

So, my rant. On Christmas Eve I was fortunate enough to settle down with two out of three of my girls, along with Bruce to watch A Christmas Carol. My eldest had gone out to work at the local pub and had bought in a glass with an icecube and told me to open the present from her boyfriend - a bottle of Baileys - perfect. I love that film and the message it gives. Now the bit that stood out most to me was when Bob Cratchitt is going at the end of the day on Christmas Eve and Scrooge says something along the lines of, "You'll be wanting the day off tomorrow I suppose!" and Cratchitt replies,"if it's not too inconvenient, it is Christmas Day" and Scrooge shouts at him that of course it's inconvenient and that he must get in extra early on Boxing Day to make up for it. He had one day with his beautiful family.

We have returned to the days of Scrooge. The news on Boxing Day was full of the sales and the millions of pounds spent and the thousands of people who hit the shops. I hate the thought of all those people who are unable to enjoy even two days with their families and friends before they rush off to spend even more money that they don't necessarily have. The sight of young women standing to be photographed with their collection of designer bags which, even in the sales, had cost them well over a thousand pounds, probably on credit.

However, my sympathies do not lie with the mindless idiots who worship at the altar of consumerism but with the poor people who have to work in the shops. When I left university, the Metro Centre in Gateshead was just about to open and I got a job in Currys as a graduate manager. It was standard that you worked on a Saturday and in the 9 months that I was employed by them, I had one Saturday reluctantly granted to go to a wedding. I was lucky that, in those days, there was no Sunday trading, otherwise I am sure that working on a Sunday would have been expected aswell. All those thousands of families whose holidays are cut short because a parent/sibling/daughter/son has to return to work after just one day, just so that people can go shopping. It is so sad. Family life is being eroded by greed. This is not written from a religious angle, although I do find it difficult to reconcile the basic principles of living a Christian life with what we have reduced the Christmas celebrations to, but just from the point of view of the family.

Anyway, enough ranting. I shall return tomorrow with reflections from 2009 and looking ahead to 2010 (and I suppose, my weight!).

E xx

Christmas - no time for scales!

2009-12-27T16:48:00.005Z

Well, I'm sure I could find the time for scales, but I haven't found the inclination yet. I promise to get round to it soon.

I left you as Bruce came in from the pub at midnight with a snowball. He threw it straight at me and it landed on my chin - from cosy, warm and comfortable to sodden in freezing snow in a second. Suffice to say, I am plotting revenge! The only problem is that whatever I do to him, it will come back to me with knobs on (in a manner of speaking). Any suggestions?

Actually, I haven't been too bad with food until last night when my brother, wife, children aswell as a friend renowned for excess alcohol consumption, came to dinner. As I pointed out when blogging last week, food on it's own is controllable, just, but, combine it with wine and all sense of reason went off with Santa. We had a buffet for a start which was laid out on the table at which we all congregated, which meant we just carried on picking. We had champagne before supper and then quaffed our way through far too much red, white, fizzy wine and then Baileys. Disaster. This morning I couldn't believe how many boxes/tins of chocs had been consumed, as well as nuts/raisins, vast quantities of cheese and even dates. I woke up this morning feeling like a blob (but with no headache - bonus!)

Tonight we are going out to dinner with a big group of friends so another challenge. A boozy bunch. I have a feeling that January is going to be very abstemious to make up for a very naughty December.

We have had a lovely Christmas. Although we have had loads on the calendar, it has all been non stressed and relaxed, full of friendship and welcome. I am so well aware that not everyone has the same sense of joy (and have been there myself). It's serious subject Sunday but I am not in serious mode so I am going to save my important lecture for another day. My lovely brother and nephew kept joking (at least I think they were) that they had to watch what they said as it would end up on my blog. At one stage, my nephew (aged 18) walked passed and mumbled, "oh god, that's one for the blog" but unfortunately, I was a little too inebriated to remember the incident - you're in luck Charlie!

Anyway, better get my map drawn up for the mouse hunt round the village tomorrow evening - hot chocolate and reindeer buns afterwards with games and singing in church - nothing too holy just good fun. The trees look gorgeous. I'll take some photos tomorrow.

E xx

I hope anonymous found the advent windows and has stopped having nightmares!

Work is done

2009-12-22T23:30:00.003Z

14st2lbs. Work is now over until after Christmas and I am looking forward to a couple of days of getting organised, baking with carols in the background, picking greenery down the beck (our own beck so we are allowed) and finishing decorating the house. I have a couple of little pressies to buy but nothing major so I will battle up to Hawes if the snow permits in the morning. I was hoping to entertain some of the lovely oldies from the Day Centre at the Christmas Tree Festival but I have a feeling the snow is going to stop them being able to come. I want to drag my reluctant children round to see some housebound elderly people, but they don't appear to be feeling very generous with their time. Middle daughter in particular is very good with mature people, with a sweet smile and an easy conversation. I live in hope and think they will change their minds. I saw an alarming statistic today about the amount of elderly people who are on their own at Christmas - it must be horribly lonely for them so if all my readers try to find 10 minutes to pop in on a housebound neighbour, we will have cheered the day of at least half a dozen.

I have had a really good week - personally but certainly not on the diet front. I have been conscious of trying to behave but failing miserably. It is amazing how it affects your psyche - I have been feeling like a beached whale for the past few days, imagining that my clothes are going to be tight/I look fat/I feel unattractive, etc, so this morning I made myself get on the scales expecting to be around 14st 6lb - imagine my surprise at 14st 2lb. I moved the scales three times just to check it wasn't a sad joke. I immediately felt slimmer/full of beans/happier! Oh shallow woman.

I have posted in mince pies like letters in a postbox. However, I have been busy (what's new?). Bruce mashed his finger under a breeze block and so I (very generously I thought) got up with him to feed the stock etc on the farm and fodder up the sheep on the fell. It was so worth it when we got the most amazing sunrise - bright red flashes across the sky casting a stunning pink hue over the fells. You just stand in the field, thigh deep in snow, awe-struck at the magnificence of the view. The photo above does not do justice but gives you a flavour. Talking of snow, there is no better exercise - it's a total body work out and my legs are exhausted! On the aforementioned morning, we were walking back to the landrover when I literally fell into a drift. Bruce asked me why on earth I had gone the way I had and I said that I was following the tracks of the sheep, assuming that they would take the shallowest route. He fell about laughing pointing out that I was following the tracks of a small, light rabbit!

So, the snow has been amazing (and still is as it adds more each day). The downside is that I missed taking the girls to Dad's for the weekend and therefore missed their Christmas lunch on Sunday. Unfortunately, though I don't think Dad believes me, the snow was just too thick to safely drive in.

Bruce has come in from the pub, armed with a snowball (I am in bed, laptop on knees, with the electric blanket) - this is not looking good.

I will return tomorrow.

E xx

Mince pies & Christmas food!

2009-12-16T14:44:00.003Z

Here are a couple of the windows in Askrigg to give you a flavour of what they are about - the one with the trees is in a box and made with perfectly cut out shapes in layers of white card - if you look carefully you can just see the deer in the mist at the bottom and of course, Father Christmas flying across the sky looking for Askrigg (and your house of course!). If you google Askrigg Advent Windows it brings up the site - I am being a little cautious as, when I highlighted the windows on here and then put the website on the posters for people all over the world to see the artwork, they were all automatically directed to my blog - so now half of the village and their relatives know my excessive weight and insecurities! Most embarrassing when buying a pint of milk in the village shop. When the trees are all up and running (the festival, not the actual trees) I will photo some of those and put them on here too (thank you Kestrel for asking me to). I shall take this opportunity to be a good disciple and recommend you all pop along to your local church and find out what's going on over Christmas - you will feel so renewed, uplifted and happier if you sing a few carols, say a few prayers and generally have a little reflection.

Last night I decided to take the bull by the horns and stop just thinking about the window that I have to do by the weekend (I am the 20th). So, I put on some festive music and got out the scissors. As I started to tentatively snip, I got the urge to enjoy a glass of sloe gin whilst being creative. I had a lovely couple of hours sipping gin happily and amazingly none of the vital elements of the design fell out having snipped the wrong bit. I was most chuffed. Now I have the other half to do and then it will be ready for installation.

I have been thinking about festivities and excess and food. As I said a couple of days ago, I was brought up short thinking that, if I didn't watch it, I was going to be heading back up the ladder to misery pretty darn quick and I had to put the brakes on my excessive consumption. I have stuck with it and had a good couple of days (I have to confess to having just made 7 dozen mince pies and couldn't resist one, slightly warm, with my cup of tea as I sat down to write this - only one, but naughty). This is the problem. All the food at Christmas is so inviting, so easy to consume and so available. Not all of it is unhealthy (turkey) but alot of it is (mince pies, chocolates, christmas pud, chipolatas, roasties......the list goes on and on). According to the Daily Mail (where would I be for subject matter if it were not for my mindless paper?) we are preprogrammed to eat too much - it is high fat, low fibre food and doesn't fill us up for long enough. One solution they offer is to sit next to someone thin. They may have a point. They say it's because a thin person is quite likely to take a smaller portion and you won't want to seem like the prize porker (my words not theirs) but I would say that sitting next to my two gorgeous, slim, younger step-sisters makes me feel like the prize porker anyway, never mind how much they are eating. It plays havoc with your self esteem going to Dad's - beautiful step sisters aside, he has a huge, well lit mirror in the bathroom, from which there is no escape when you get out of the shower (actually, if I try a very hot shower it may steam it up). The only other alternative is to put your contact lenses in to turn on the shower and get it to the right temperature, then take them out, get undressed, shower, get out, dry, re-dress and only then put your lenses in - I am so short sighted that I will look like a blurry Rubenesque model having a shower). I also know to avoid too much alcohol (not only to avoid dancing on the tables at the pub) but after a few gins then wine, topped off with a couple of Baileys, all thoughts of diet or abstinence go out of the window - half a tin of Quality Street can be wolfed down in minutes, swilled down with further glasses of Baileys and all of January's calorie allowance. Must think of knees and hips.....joy, oh joy!

Anyway, must dash - off to Tescos/poundstretcher to find blue baubles for my "For those in peril on the sea" themed Christmas Tree, with a nod and a prayer towards Cornwall where Mum and Gran languish in uneasy misery, nursing ill health. Then going to an outdoor concert in Leyburn to support a very talented lad from Emily's school who has organised it - must avoid mince pies and mulled wine.

E xx

Halo is shining

2009-12-14T21:38:00.002Z

14st 3lb. Well, I feel as if I have been reprieved. As I admitted yesterday, I have been avoiding the scales and eating too much. I think it must have been slightly balanced by the good, long walks with Lucy.

I have had a lovely, hard working day today, predominantly in church getting set up for the Christmas Tree Festival. We have set up 28 trees ready for families, businesses & individuals to decorate in their own inimitable style by Friday in time for the Preview Supper. The momentum is building for a fantastic Christmas in Askrigg, what with all the trees and the gorgeous Advent windows around the village - it is soooo exciting! There are so many people involved and having fun. Let's hope it continues for the rest of the week.

I am really pleased with myself diet-wise. I had porridge made with water with skimmed milk, honey and seeds for breakfast; sardines on toast (1 slice) and a tangerine for lunch; small bowl of pasta with homemade tomato sauce made with mushrooms & chorizo sausage (not much) and a low fat yoghurt. Good day all round. I even popped out for a quick walk with Lucy in the dark at 9pm - determined!

E xx

Time flies!

2009-12-13T22:15:00.004Z

I can't believe it's last Wednesday since I last wrote a post.

I had an email a couple of days ago from a lovely "supporter" who happens to live in France - to make you even more jealous, in a fabulous house in a beautiful valley in France - urging me not to give up. Of course, my reaction was to reassure myself that I hadn't given up, I was just too busy/pre-occupied, etc, to write. However, the truth is more worrying. I am "off the boil" and I have been avoiding the scales. I suspect when I get back on them I will be pirouetting on one foot in an attempt to make the awful reality more palatable. It occurred to me today that, if I go on in this vein, I will be back up in the upper 14's by the new year and feeling sick as a parrot, disappointed/livid with myself and generally down in the dumps. Get a grip woman.

The reality is that my situation has drastically improved and I am in an excitable, positive mood. I have a new job! I am not going to go into too much detail yet (I'm still at that "pinch me" stage, where I think it could all be a bit of a fantasy) but suffice to say that the pinny will be no more and I am going to have to dress smartly for a change! I am going to be in an office with other people, feeling like a proper grown up.

The only down side of this new situation is that I am going to have to buy new clothes. My wardrobe allows me to look tidy at a funeral, uninspiring at a wedding and tidy but grease marked in front of an oven. I have nothing suitable. The down side is that a) I am not the 12 stone babe that I had planned to be by now and b) I am truly down to my last few pounds (£) with the turkey and Dad's Christmas present still to buy. I am going to hope for vouchers/beg from Bruce or sell my body. I have already planned my next book - it is going to be "A year of inspired, healthy lunches for those on the move" - I may have to shorten it! Already spotted the danger zones of office work - a) sat on backside a lot more than usual (no Lucy walks) b) there's a deli next door c) there's a Gregg's the Bakers opposite d) a One-stop sweetie shop across the road. Planning will be my saviour - as well as working with some very attractive women. I am soooooooo excited. More another day.

Yesterday, I made a meal for someone who is unwell and took it round on a tray. As I walked into the kitchen, her little darling doggie attached itself to my leg by it's teeth. It was told not to sniff my trousers - sniff! I held onto the tray for dear life as I attempted to guide the dog with my foot into the sitting room. So I have a small nip on my leg. This morning I decided to be a good partner and help with the feeding up - this involved a 7am start (on a Sunday) but to be honest, once I'm up, I love it, especially in winter when all the beasts are in the barn. As we went to leave, I was asked to take the landrover - big step up. Before I knew where I was, my foot had slipped on the door step and I flew up and landed flat on my back lying next to the vehicle. I have a very bruised backside (thank god I'm padded) and head (can't brush my head without wincing). Sympathy? Guess. No? You'd be right. I get up off the road, clutching rear and head. He asks what's up. I tell him. He laughs and says he thought he felt an earth tremor. Cheeky blighter. I'm now being cautious wondering what's the third event to be!

So, all well, all positive - including the probable and deserved gain in weight tomorrow morning. Get back on the horse, podge, or you'll regret it.

E xx

It's a good job I'm too old for babies!

2009-12-09T22:14:00.002Z

I've had a lovely day today. Treated myself to a bath this morning after the girls had left for school. Then cleared out some kitchen cupboards as my "housework for the day".

It was a beautiful day so I set out up the Gill with an excitable Lucy. I wish I had had my camera as every time I go up there on a sunny morning I am struck (not literally!) by a delicate silver birch tree, standing like a gilded flagpole awaiting it's flag in the midst of the mighty oaks and beech trees. It really is a sight to behold and so shiny it looks as though it has been polished. I love that wood. I will remember the camera. I am certainly getting fitter - I am still puffing and rosy by the time I get to the top but less so than before - and I'm getting faster.

I wrote some Christmas cards (well 2 actually but they did have letters) and then went to see my friend with her new baby. He's soooooo cute. He just lay in my lap, fast asleep, while I chatted to his beautiful Mum. His skin is peachy and he has a lovely little round head and chubby cheeks. I want one. No, kidding really - we've no room and I'm too old. (but far too young to be a granny in case you're reading this lovely 18 year old daughter)

Last night after writing my missive, I went on to the website about the "Too Big to Walk" programme I had been talking about. It has some useful information, one of which is a BMI calculator. Mine is a shocking 31 (but it was 35.5 so that's good) so I am, as I already know, very overweight. I don't go into simply overweight until I'm 13st 8lb and remain there until I'm 11stone 5lb - that's almost 3 more stone to take me to the very maximum of normal! Crikey. However, it's back to my old twitter about having a responsibility to live more healthily. Stop whining and get on with it.

A friend wrote today saying that, just because the weather is lousy outside doesn't mean you can't do any exercise. She has a point particularly as I am definitely inclined to think that, if I can't walk, I can't do exercise that day. Dancing is great but you feel a prat even if you are on your own. Running up and down the stairs is another - but I'm done in after 2 runs! The tennis club is supposed to be starting indoor tennis for the winter but it hasn't materialised yet. Any suggestions for good indoor exercises? To be honest, even if it's raining, you still feel better for getting outside - you can always change your trousers! Good forecast for the next couple of days so no excuses - the cold is coming, as is Christmas - goody, goody! I'm getting in the mood. Kirsty's Homemade Christmas has made me want to get out the ribbons, sewing box and scraps and make something wonderful (I don't have the ability!) but, as I have my advent window to make yet, I think that should be my priority - the village is shaping up beautifully so I'd better not let the side down.

Still happy!

E xx

Feeling guilty

2009-12-08T22:24:00.002Z

14st 1lb. Getting there slowly. I haven't been avoiding you as I have been relatively good but life has been busy, busy, busy!!! Actually, for once in my life, it's been social and fun - I don't remember the last time I went out three nights running.

On Saturday, I had some friends in for an informal supper and thoroughly enjoyed it. The mini baked alaskas were delicious and, yes, of course I had one! I drank a little too much fizz and red wine and went to bed a happy girl. On Sunday I went to a Leukemia Research fundraiser lunch which was a great event and raised lots of money for a hugely worthwhile cause. On Sunday night we went to meet a friend who does get to the glorious North very often and had a good catch up - I was only on slimline tonic by this time though! Last night I went joined a new singing group that's just started in the village and loved it. As I have said before, I love to sing and singing informally in a big group is so uplifting - I came away singing to myself and went for a drink with a friend - non alcoholic.

In between all this social life, I have had a busy couple of days at work. I am still feeling positive and happy, which is great.

So, why am I feeling guilty? I'm sitting here typing at the same time as watching "Too Big to walk" - a documentary about a group of seriously obese people who are to walk from the south coast to Edinburgh over 8 weeks. They are obviously really big and the walking must be grossly uncomfortable for them most of the time, certainly at the start. At the start of tonight's programme they don't seem to be that motivated and start eating butties, chips, kebabs, etc and not really seeming to take it seriously. I find myself tutting and getting cross with them for their lack of self respect and control. Then I felt like a right hypocrite as I break my intentions virtually every day, in spite of a deep desire to lose weight and take control of my life. It's no different with them except that they are bigger. In the middle, they meet with the fitness chap and get a serious bollocking - then they seem to kick into gear and make some impressive losses (up to 16 lb) in the next week, walking 12 miles every day and eating healthily. I am feeling a little guilty and a lot humbled.

Tomorrow, the pace of life calms down a bit and I am going to make the most of it - a good walk with Lucy, some writing, some ironing and writing Christmas cards. I am also going to see a friend with her new baby - I love new babies and can't wait!

E xx

A strange thing happened today....

2009-12-04T21:02:00.002Z

.....I forgot to eat breakfast!!!! At around 11am, I thought I felt a bit hungry and realised that I had got the girls off to school, got his nibs off shooting with packed lunch, then showered and went shopping for some cooking that I had to do today and missed breakfast! I think this is a first. In fact, I'm sure. I decided that, as it was 11am already, I might as well save my meagre calories for lunch (it's famine day). I was busy and didn't have time to sit down and relax so just made a slice of toast with peanut butter & jam again (it's good for you!) and then a bowl of blackberry and apple for pud.

It was a glorious day for the first time in a long time and I had a really good walk. Half way round, there was a big group of mid-teens whom I suspect are staying at the outdoor centre. They all set off up the hill singing at the top of their voices, "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands" - not in a cheesey, scouting kind of way (not that I'm anti-scout) but more of a rugby club after-match party, with girls! Anyway, it made me smile and think of my girls - full of youthful optimism and hope. Happy and fun they were but I was glad to see them going off up the hill in the opposite direction (on the short cut!), leaving me to continue on my contemplative way (I'm a bit into this quiet stuff after the Taize).

Tonight the girls have all gone out, leaving his nibs and I alone (which is rare). He is in the sitting room and I am pretending to iron in the kitchen - I actually want to watch the"I'm a Celebrity" final - guilty secret! Yesterday, he read from an article in the paper stating that research says that once you are a bride, you put on weight. I retorted with, "does it say that once you are a groom, you stop washing and generally lack an acceptable degree of personal hygiene?" He has difficulty grasping that deodorant is not just for special occasions or that showers are not only allowed if nookie is in the offing! Anyway, having sniped through the rest of the day, we agreed that it had to stop - we are now being nice to each other (I suspect a shower could be on the cards!).

Tomorrow there's loads to do (as ever) and then I have some girlfriends coming for dinner which I am really looking forward to. The two youngest have some of their friends coming too so it's a house full of females. It's my feast day anyway but I am going to try to control it - I'm planning baby almond baked Alaska puddings which will just have to be eaten!

Weigh day tomorrow. I'm optimistic.

E xx

Any excuse!

2009-12-03T20:46:00.001Z

The diet has been fine - healthy porridge (water, honey, seeds); seedy toast with organic peanut butter and homemade damson jam (may seem strange to you but, each to his own!) and then a pork chop (fat removed) with veg and some delicious stewed apple & blackberries. No problems with food. Famine day tomorrow. Feeling slimmer so positive for Saturday weigh in (recommended a week between weigh ins but too long for me).

However, the exercise is struggling. It has rained and even sleeted today, virtually all day. Cold wind. Unappealing. Wimped out. I did do the lunch duty at our primary school but the weather meant it was indoor play - I haven't been in so far this year so there were some new little faces, all smiley and cute. It was stimulating but not energy expending. I also put in an online Tescos order which uses energy in that it is exasperating but not healthily!

I am in a positive mood and have been, cautiously, all week. This is good. Long may it continue.

E xx

Lucy is not pleased!

2009-12-02T22:41:00.005Z

No weight but it's a famine day...and it has been! I had a slice of toast with honey (no butter) for breakfast, some devilled kidneys without any sauce for lunch (no, it wasn't very appetising!) and an apple and orange for supper (and a glass of mulled wine at a Christmas fair!). Feeling oddly fine and not deprived - going to enjoy a normal day of eating sensibly tomorrow.

I have had a busy day sorting out the Advent windows and the Christmas Tree Festival as well as getting some work done. I have written a 3 day plan of action to work through. I am really excited at how well the festive events are developing - it seems that the whole village and outlying farms are pulling together.

Unfortunately, I have been so busy that Lucy and walking took a back seat. We only managed a quick nip up to the start of the Gill walk before it got dark. Her little face when I turned to come back instead of going through the stile, was a picture. Tomorrow will be different.

I had a new experience tonight. I was invited to go with a friend to a Taize service in Hawes. I was a little dubious about the meditation/quiet aspect as I am a bit of a one for enjoying a belting good hymn although candlelight always appeals. Well, it was beautiful. Quiet, relaxing, gentle, comfortable. Lovely. I would recommend it to everyone - a total digression from a busy life.

Calm, happy, with a flatter stomach.....good, good.

E xx

Feast or famine?

2009-12-01T22:34:00.002Z

14st 2lb. So I didn't quite make the 14stone but at least I'm heading in the right direction and have lost a pound in Cornwall in spite of succumbing to a melt in the mouth, worth the calories as a treat, proper pasty. Not as good as dear old Gran used to make, but more than adequately comparable.

You would have been so proud of me on the journey down. My planning worked a treat - buying two of all the treats for the girls and packing fruit and my sarnies. No naughties despite a long drag of a journey. Friday did not dawn with glorious blue skies but I still managed to drag my two unwilling charges out for a good walk in the afternoon with only occasional drizzle and not the downpour it threatened. I ate the aforementioned pasty for lunch and my mother had made the most unctuous lamb shanks with butternut squash and other veggies for supper. On Saturday, Mum took the girls out for the day (with fish and chips) while I took care of Gran - we had a boiled egg each for lunch. She insisted that she would be fine while I took the dog out for an hour, which of course she was, but I did push the boundaries of my abilities so that I was back within the hour. Again Mum cooked - a roast chicken with loads of vegetables so good again - but the lovely blackberry & apple crumble with clotted cream didn't fit the diet bill!

Saturday night - what a night! I barely slept as we were up in Mum's static caravan and it was a particularly stormy night. I was battling the elements at 3am thinking her garden shed had broken loose. It was fine but the tarpaulin on next door's speed boat was thwacking up and down in the gusts and the boat itself was lifting up and thumping back down. You know what it's like in the middle of the night - everything is so much more dramatic - I put my contact lenses in, just in case I needed to make an emergency escape if the boat lifted up and through the side of the caravan. By 4am, there were three in the bed, like two sardines and a mackerel in the middle, grossly uncomfortable and in fear of our lives. Mum, cosily wrapped up in Granny's cottage in the sheltered arm of the village, greeted three bleary eyed girls with a bright and breezy "Sleep well?"

Sunday was calm in Cornwall. Wet but calm. Wensleydale on the other hand was anything but. It rained and rained. By lunch time it was decided that we would not be able to get back in to our village so we decided to stop in Cheshire at my very accommodating, lovely aunt & uncle's house. Whilst driving up the M5, the youngest rang home to tell our plans, to be greeted with a, "Can't talk now. Moving everything upstairs. The fire brigade have just arrived." Great. The youngest is only worried about the cat. I am worried about...everything! Five hours later, the fire brigade stopped pumping. The two neighbours on the right were soaked right through and I don't envy them (I made a Shepherd's Pie) but we escaped. His nibs levered up the paving slabs and the herb garden in an effort to drain water away, but other than that, we're fine. I am very grateful.

I think the stress and lack of sleep made me lose the pound. I am now feast and famining. So far. So good. Yesterday, a slice of toast at Jen's, a slice of bread as a tomato sandwich at lunch and a tin of plum tomatoes for supper. You must excuse the horror of the diet but I had just suffered trauma and a long drive. Today was feast - Weetabix for breakfast, a small roast turkey dinner at work (and a not awfully small Christmas pudding - homemade - with rum sauce) and a slice of toast with honey and an orange for supper. Not too bad. Good walk due tomorrow for famine day with a nice soup for lunch - haven't decided what yet. I need healthy supplies.

Feeling optimistic.

Anyone feel like joining me? Three and a half weeks to Christmas!

Love
E xx

Off to Cornwall

2009-11-26T14:51:00.002Z

14st 3lb. I do believe I am now 2lb less than when I last went to Cornwall eons ago! Never mind, at least I'm not more. I have packed up a picnic for the journey - a ham sandwich, an apple, a banana and some sesame snacks. I have bought goodies for the girls but only 2 of each so that it would be "not fair" if I ate one. We shall sing along to CD's. I am looking forward to seeing my Mum again and hopefully exercising her dog with some invigorating walks by the sea.

Another day with nothing in the diary. I wrote a list as long as my arm to do and left "Blog" until last as my treat. I have had a busy day and have achieved alot - I am going away with a fairly tidy house for once, washing ironed and put away, car tidied out (only because I have to lend it to my sister in law while I borrow hers) and some baking done for Bruce whilst I'm away.

Anyway, I know I've always been against faddy diets (in fact you could be forgiven for wondering what diet I actually follow!) but there have been a couple of articles in the paper recently, one of which made my ears prick up as a possibility. The first one, which isn't for me but has some valid philosophies, is the Jesus diet - spiritual dieting is apparently gaining converts with groups being held in churches around the UK. Surprise, surprise - it's come over from America. Over the water, the groups are called, Weigh down, Thin Within, The Hallelujah Diet, The God Diet, etc but over here we need to be a bit more subtle apparently and the groups are called Fit for Life Forever. It works on the principle that, to tackle weight issues you need to address the root causes such as unresolved pain and low self esteem. As we have discussed previously, there is alot to be said for that. I love the bluntness of one comment: "No more blaming genetics, the food content or stress for our weight gain. The main reason for being over weight is overeating." Say it as it is! Anyway, Jesus would have lived on nuts, lentils, vegetables, beans, bread, water and red wine - a mediterranean diet effectively but with meat on only very rare occasions. So, lots of wind and hunger. Not for me.

However, the one that caught my eye is the feast/famine diet where you eat what you like one day and eat sparingly the following and then alternate. Now, on closer inspection the "eat what you like" day doesn't exactly advocate steak & chips followed by rich chocolate mousse and a cheeseboard, but it does allow more flexibility than a usual diet. The famine day would be tougher as you need to eat between 20% and 30% of the recommended intake to lose weight. This diet is supposed to have had fantastic results for asthma suffers in particular but it also lowers blood sugar levels, improves mental health and a low calorie diet extends life expectancy. Win. Win. The trial was done on 16 patients all over 14stone - they ate 20% of their normal intake one day and a normal healthy diet the next over a 10 week period. They all lost between 10lb and 30lb, far higher than expected.

The reason I think this could work for me is that, even if you are hungry one day, you know you are going to be able to eat normally the following day. Even over Christmas, if you time it to hit Christmas day, you can have a good scoff on the day and be abstemious on Boxing Day. I am sure a little tuck in to the Celebrations on Christmas Day could be allowed. Anyway, I am going to be the guinea pig and, starting Monday, I am going to alternate days - starting with the pig-out (kidding!).

In the meantime, I have some strict cliff walks to complete if I am to get near my being down to 14stone target for November by Tuesday!

Away until Monday, when I will be back I promise - no skiving off or avoiding anyone!

E xx

Better day

2009-11-25T21:51:00.002Z

By 8 o'clock this morning I had the house all to myself. His nibs and Lucy off shooting and the girls off to school. So, leisurely half hour over breakfast (2 Weetabix), then got dressed and thoroughly cleaned the bathroom before flexing the fingers and settling down to write.

I tackled the last chapter for the book which I have been avoiding like the plague - only because it is less familiar than recipes and therefore, required more concentration. Anyway, by lunchtime I had completed the task to a satisfactory level and the sense of relief was great. I had a bowl of spaghetti hoops over the papers and then thoroughly hoovered the stairs and landing, a job which I am sure I have mentioned, I absolutely hate! I got rid of every cobweb and little spider thinking of hatching one. Good job done.

I had liver and onions with oven baked tomatoes for supper followed by melon. Every time I considered exercise I listened to the battering wind and rain splattering on the windows and thought better of it - perhaps it would have been different if Lucy had been making eyes at me.

Tomorrow I will write properly about a couple of subjects that have come up in the papers recently. Then I have the long drive to Cornwall - with a tank full of diesel and a prepacked supper - no naughties!

Thanks for all your lovely comments. It's encouraging to know you are still there!

Exx

Ok, Ok - I've been avoiding you!

2009-11-24T22:15:00.003Z

14st 5lb. Yes, I did return from Derbyshire on Saturday but have avoided you ever since. The reason is at the start. I am so disappointed in myself and have been so down right miserable that I haven't wanted to pick up the laptop and talk.

So, back a week. Off to Derbyshire on a windy, wet morning with the Dale in full, incredible flood. However, we were in fairly high spirits and happy to tackle the elements. We were in no hurry to get anywhere so stopped for coffee en route - I had a cappuccino (working on the probably misguided principle that it is less harmful than a latte) and no accompanying biscuit or scone. Then I challenged his nib's attire and suggested popping in to Meadowhall to get a new outfit. Not happy. He bought a pair of new trousers, a shirt and a new jumper to go to Paris - why does he need anything new? I point out that Paris was 3 years ago and he looks scruffy. Matters do not improve when we get in, select a jumper and shirt and realise that it is the first day of the Debenhams sale and the queue is ridiculous. I stood my ground thinking that, as it is the nearest he has been to a till in 3 years, we will stick it out. I won. We met a lovely couple in the queue who live near Chatsworth - they give a recommendation for the best restaurant in the area, which I tucked away for later digestion.

We went out for lunch in Sheffield and, again, I was good and only had a bowl of soup. We had a lovely hour or so at Weston Park museum (highly recommended if you have children) and then found the hotel. It was perfectly adequate, very clean, well situated near the Ladybower reservoir and had a good pub menu for dinner (I had salmon -still good). There were some good shortish walks which we did every morning before breakfast. We met a lovely couple over dinner who recommended two really good museums in which to really find out about Sheffield's industrial heritage (such a coincidence - the chap's favourite programme is "How it's made" aswell - I was thrilled!). On Thursday we went to Chatsworth (soup again in the farm shop restaurant) and booked to go for dinner at the recommended East Lodge in Rowsley. Unbeknown to his nibs, I had packed a wrap dress that I haven't worn since I was slim. I decided to take the plunge and surprise him so I faffed around in the bathroom doing hair, make up, underwear, etc and then slipped on the dress with vertiginous heels - and was not unhappy with what I saw in the mirror. He was delighted and very flattering (I wondered if we would make dinner). All in all, Ms Sexy Slinky Slimming Woman was ready for dinner with the newly Mr Sprucie Brucie in his new outfit. As I turned to walk out of the door, he says, "Do you know you've got a big ladder up the back of your tights?" Bugger. Bugger. Bugger.

I wore jeans (with a lovely top). We had a wonderful meal and a really romantic, lovely evening.

On Friday we went in search of museums but, sadly, they were both closed. Sheffield's Industrial Heritage will have to wait.

On Saturday, we set off home via Harrogate and Jack Wills - I swear that shop is full of bewildered mothers wondering how on earth they are being persuaded to part with so much money for so little.

On Sunday, I had promised to take my two youngest Christmas shopping but, as I have no more money, I let them go off on their own whilst I dawdled round Sainsbury's buying essentials and feeling the descendence of the cloud of gloom. There is nothing more depressing than shopping when you have no money. The little grey cloud has been hovering over my head ever since with its incessant misery shrouding me. My head - I am a failure/can't even stick to a diet/can't think of what to do with my life/"16 years ago you had a house, car that worked, good job"/thrown it all away - doom, doom and more doom. Not even the thought that I should be grateful I don't live in Workington/Cockermouth/Keswick has jerked me out of the mood.

However, light at the end of the tunnel! You lot! Lovely messages & emails. Support. Tips. Websites. Other blogs. You are great! I can't stop now and sink back to where I was. I must get back - again!

I have to sort my life out (which really means my work life and, therefore, my financial well being). Just wish I knew where to start.

Two days of cleaning, writing (I will do the last chapter of the book and remove that little niggle) and sorting out paperwork. I will walk again - it seems like forever since I had a good walk (it isn't - it just feels like it). Then, I'm off to Cornwall to see Mum and Gran on Thursday night so the cliffs beckon.

Thanks everyone!

E xx

I'm really fed up

2009-11-17T22:04:00.002Z

14st 3lb. I would have to say that if I wasn't writing this blog, I would definitely have given up by now. I do not know what more I can do to lose weight. I have never in my life so constantly thought about dieting, exercise and general well being and made such slow progress. To say that I am pee'd off is an understatement. Ironically, at least 4 people commented on how much weight I've lost - I think the fairies are playing some cruel tricks.

Now my worry is that I am going away tomorrow to Derbyshire until Saturday and am bound to do some damage by the time I get back, even if I "behave".

Last month, in the middle of the lamb sales, his nibs suggested we book a city break for November. Last year we went to Copenhagen (fantastic), the year before, Bruges (excellent) and our first year together we went to Paris (he loved it, I hadn't got used to holidaying with him - it takes a bit of getting used to!). Anyway, the middle of lamb sales = exhaustion = "haven't got the energy to hang around an airport and traipse round a city just for a few days break" = "I just want log fires, long walks, pub lunches and a good book" = Derbyshire. Now, of course, all I want to do is go to Prague/Vienna/Rome. We are going to Ladybower Lake. It is a dreadful forecast - Met office warning for gales, heavy rain, etc, for the rest of the working week. He doesn't read. He doesn't like walking ("never stop walking when I'm farming" - true). He doesn't like "posh" hotels. He doesn't like fancy food. He's not good on shopping. He wants a museum that charts the history of steel manufacture in Sheffield - it may seem strange, but I don't.

Tonight he asked what time we were leaving. I was taking the ironing upstairs at the time and shouted, "The flight leaves at 10:50 from Leeds/Bradford so I suppose we'd better leave by 7" - look on the screen. I had left the computer on "Lastminute.com/citybreaks/prague". Hummm.

We are going to Derbyshire. IT WILL BE FUN. We are leaving at 9am to go to the Weston Park Museum in Sheffield (I've agreed to get it out of his system) and we'll take it from there.

I need to add here that his nibs is a truly lovely person and I love going away with him - he just has rather more basic ideas of a good break than me.

I will cheer up and not be a grumpy partner.

A few days off from my tediously slow progress. Back on Saturday. If I'm back up at all, I'll lie.

E xx

Riding high!

2009-11-16T15:35:00.003Z

I am still in a very good, positive mood - two days running, this is worrying! You may notice that there is no weight today. This is for two reasons. The first is that I overindulged on Saturday with Christmas dinner and worse, pudding with rum sauce so I thought one more day of pure food would be more hopeful for the scales. The second is that I was glancing back through some old posts yesterday and noticed that I originally said I was going for the scales on Tuesdays and Fridays - therefore I am fully justified in delaying a day.

If ever I have deserved a weight loss, it is today. Having worked this morning, I came home at lunchtime and made gorgeous cheesey mushroom bake with toast for his nibs whilst only eating spaghetti hoops myself (I was in a hurry and I do have a bit of a weakness for them - and they are low in fat and calories). Then I took a look at the slate-grey sky threatening rain and the lure of the computer was powerful. However, I thought, "No! Get changed and get out there." I was a force to be reckoned with and, ten minutes later, a rather shocked (and slightly reluctant) Lucy and I set off up the gill on the long walk along Skelgill. During the walk, the slate-grey sky delivered its promised rain on the back of a very strong and icy wind. My ears were singing and I was freezing. However, I walked briskly, jogged enthusiastically and felt thoroughly pleased with myself. Half way round I had a cup of tea at a friend's house who, buoyed by my enthusiasm, joined me for the second half of the route (she has lost two and a half stone in the past 6 months!). All in all, an excellent, invigorating afternoon (with a good gossip thrown in).

I am now, rather guiltily, sitting in bed cocooned in the duvet, being gently warmed by the electric blanket, cup of tea to hand and laptop on knees. I think the bright red, cheetah-like markings all over my legs may have gone after an hour of warmth and peace. Worth the walk.

After yoghurt & muesli, spaghetti and salmon & spinach for tea, combined with exercise in extreme weather conditions, I am certainly deserving of a loss tomorrow.

Fingers crossed! Off to write that article.

E xx

Quiet, happy day

2009-11-15T22:57:00.003Z

Yikes, I realised today that it's half way through the month and I am not whizzing down the weight scales as fast as I had hoped. However, onward ever onward.

I had a good lie in this morning followed by a bowl of muesli and yoghurt, church, an uninterrupted read of the papers with a cup of coffee, lunch, a long walk, washing, homework (the girls), Antiques Roadshow and then, hardly dare admit it, "I'm A Celebrity - Get Me Out Of Here" - I, of course, wouldn't watch such inane rubbish but the girls like it.......!

My diet has been superb today, making up for the Christmas dinner yesterday. For lunch, as there were no children in the house, I had cooked a mince pie with homemade chips and mushy peas for my partner (he LOVES it) and I had some roast vegetables with spiced red cabbage and mushy peas. I gave him his plate and then sat down with mine. He starts doing a "weather warning" of severe gales expected to be moving in from the North - cheeky devil! As if mushy peas, cabbage, beetroot, squash etc are going to have that effect!?!

I had a fantastic walk today. The normal route round the gill with Lucy but consciously as fast as I could. To be honest, my feet just worked on automatic as my mind was whirring at an even faster rate than usual. I was thinking of ways of making some much needed money before the fast approaching festive season. As my partner sells Christmas trees, ("Bruces' Spruces" - no, not really, but I think it's a great name) I could make log Rudolph's, papier mache robins and Christmas decorations to sell along side them. Could be alot of mess for not alot of return, but we shall see. So, plan for extra pennies sorted. Next, I thought about potential employment. I keep saying that I want my career to mean something, to do something that makes a difference. Anyway, when analysing my ideal job, I have been trying think what would give job satisfaction. I think I have concluded that this either means working for a charity, ideally Marie Curie as a fundraising co-ordinator; working with children with "challenges" (I would love to be a foster Mum if we a) had room or b) thought the girls wouldn't mind); be a life coach boosting people's self esteem or teaching people proper, basic skills of cooking. I want to make a difference to someone's life and, in doing so, enrich my own. So, I have concluded that I should settle for not having much money for the time being by sticking with the job I have (which I thoroughly enjoy for the most part, it just doesn't have enough hours for 10 months of the year and has twice as many as I want for 2 months of the year) while I find a way to achieve a job that I really want.

Is it possible to boost someone's self esteem if you are prone to ludicrously low self esteem yourself?

In conclusion, I have made some mental progress today. Tomorrow I am going to write an article about the personal side of business insolvency and see if I can get it published. Now that's positive isn't it?

I feel a good week coming on.

E x

What is the matter with me?

2009-11-14T19:16:00.002Z

I knew it wasn't going to be easy today. I slept appallingly for starters and was really tired, which is not good for my resolve. Add to that a proper turkey dinner and worse, my gorgeous (though I say it myself!) Christmas pudding with rum sauce. I knew the situation was beyond reprieve when my two lovely ladies on the other side of the kitchen commented that, for someone on a diet, I wasn't half eating alot today.

So, I have eaten too much and not moved a muscle in terms of exercise. Not good. Not happy with myself. I have just grabbed the dog by her ears (affectionately) as she reclines in an arm chair and promised her a VERY long, lovely walk tomorrow, regardless of the weather.

Please God, let me have a good night's sleep. I am whacked!

I must make progress.
E xx

A quiet day

2009-11-13T20:12:00.002Z

14st 3lb. I was hoping for a loss. Last night was book club at my friend with the fabulous kitchen - thankfully she is an amazing cook as well so deserves her appliances! Anyway, I steadfastly avoided the nibbles, the beautiful pear crumble and cream, the Stilton, the chocolate biscuits with the coffee. I ate chicken, roast vegetables and tomato salad. So, I thought I might have been rewarded. Never mind.

Today has been work all day so no walk, jog or exercise of any description. I had Weetabix for breakfast, courgette & creme fraiche soup with an egg sandwich from the local deli for lunch and smoked salmon & prawns with a slice of bread for supper.

Tomorrow (14th November) I am cooking Christmas Lunch for around 100 people - the air is filled with the smell of Christmas pudding, mince pies and roasting turkeys! Aaaagggghhhh. It's just around the corner!!!!

See you tomorrow.

Exx

Keep on running!

2009-11-12T11:45:00.003Z

Weigh in tomorrow and I am hopeful. I am right "in the zone" and feeling full of beans.

I went out early today as the sky is blue, the sun is high in the sky....but it's due to bucket down by this afternoon. I had no Lucy as she has gone shooting for the day (she's a gun dog) - it is not the same walking without the pup scampering along side. However, I did the long walk and, in spite of what I said a couple of days ago, I am improving - I might still be red and puffing but I think my recovery time is less. Anyway, I got to the top of the Gill and decided to jog down as much as I could. I managed 20 x 10 steps first, then 30 x 10 steps, then 20 again - well up on yesterday. I was gasping like a monkfish out of water (you know, the one with the big mouth and fat tail) by the bottom but I was still standing and hadn't wet myself - the sense of achievement was fantastic. The most surprising and encouraging thing is that my knee is holding out and I am not aching. As I run I feel my buttocks bouncing and know that it is doing some good!

I am becoming like a reformed smoker - the ones who tut at smokers in a condescending manner with a "if I can give up, you can" kind of way. Really irritating. The reason I say this is that yesterday, I was in Northallerton after the hospital and went to Costa coffee for a skinny latte and the most revolting "healthy living" <300 calories tuna sandwich you could find (I didn't eat it, complained and didn't get my money back - not pleased). As I sat, with nothing to read, I watched people coming and going as you do. A lady came in with her husband, told him what she wanted and went to sit down. She was about my age, extremely pretty and attractively dressed. However, she was also very fat, out of breath and walking with a stick. She smiled over and I smiled back. Her husband came with her lunch - a hot panini with cheese melting out of it, a large latte and a pastry. Now, for all I know, she had had an operation on her leg and needed a stick but I suspect, like me, her problems with her legs are exacerbated by her weight. As I have said before, we cannot expect our knees, hips and ankles to support excessive weight without problems. I had to fight the urge to go over to her and ask her to join my quest to improve our lives, not just for now, but for many, many more mobile years to come. I am along way off the end of the road to better health - but at least I am on it. I am obviously not on the motorway but the B roads. It's not pomposity that makes me want to go to her, it's genuine desire to make her more comfortable. You'll be relieved to know that I didn't.

Well, lots to do today. Done the ironing and washing. Going to wash kitchen floor and muck out downstairs loo - I am sure we don't wear half of the shoes in there. Then I am going to write my CV - yes, I am. Then I am going to consider where on earth I should send it. What do I want to do with this life of mine? I just don't know.

Now, there's that barn at the top of the hill. Would the farm give it up to be a cookery school...............................? It's those darn fairies again!

E xx

I'm loving Me Month!

2009-11-11T18:32:00.002Z

I feel I've made up for yesterday. I really have enjoyed today from start to finish. After getting the girls off to school without incident, I went took Lucy out on the slightly longer Skelgill walk. I had to set off for the hospital by 10am and needed a shower beforehand so the pressure was on. I set a good pace and even broke into a bit of a run in places, when I could guarantee no audience. I felt inspired to actually set out to run part of it in future - it really gets the lungs working and the blood pumping. Unfortunately I just don't have the bladder for running (or the knees, hips, ankles, veins, internal organs) and I will make sure that I don't have a drink for at least two hours prior to setting out.

In fact, so inspired was I that, when I got back from Northallerton, I donned my trackies (not an alluring sight) and my very old trainers, drove up to the top of the moor and ran along an old track on the scar. I say ran. Stumbled might be more fitting but at least I made the effort. Lucy looked a little confused at first, leaping up at my side (probably ensuring I wasn't having some kind of fit) but, after a while she settled in to her usual running, sniffing, peeing and chasing. I like rhythm and have an obsession with counting so I counted to 10 ten times as I jogged, then walked the same, then jogged etc. It was good!

Today, I feel truly alive and positive about the future. The hospital visit went smoothly and I have been fitted for a pair of serious support stockings but, thankfully, they only come to below the knee and they are black. Sexy.

My diet has been good and I am sure I have recompensed for yesterday. I will find out on Friday. Tomorrow is another day all to myself. Lots to do but me to set the agenda. Excellent.

E xx

Bloody hell. What is it with me?

2009-11-10T18:30:00.005Z

I had thought about pretending that I hadn't had time to write today, but then I thought, "No, no, Lizzie, that's not how it works. You have to confess."

I went to work determined to carry on yesterday's goodness. Started well enough with two Weetabix for breakfast. Behaved all morning and then got to lunchtime and....I ate fish with mushy peas! We're talking deep fried, in batter fish here, not lightly grilled. You see it was left over and would have been wasted. It looked so nice. So I had a "Sod it" moment and stuffed it down. I felt sick. I was so cross with myself. As slight vindictation, I got home, got changed and took Lucy out and I haven't had any supper. I am sorry.....again!

Other than my horrific car crash of a diet, nothing much happened. I did pass a comment at work that I could do with some "jocks" to keep my tights up - at our all-girls boarding school we wore thick, dark green outer knickers (jocks) over our normal knickers (presumably so that if we fell over, you couldn't see our pants). Apart from keeping your bottom warm, they held your tights up (you wore them over your tights). I happened to say how much I loved Boots opaque tights - they are more expensive than supermarket ones but they are lovely quality. Added to which, Boots also very kindly describe their big-girl tights as "TFF" not "XXL". One of my esteemed colleagues piped up with, "What, you'd rather be described as "Too F*****g Fat" than "Xtra Xtra Large"?!? (it actually stands for a very cuddly sounding Tall Fuller Figure). Cheeky woman!

Anyway, off to Northallerton tomorrow. Good walk before I go then a stock up on the market with inspiring fruit and vegetables. Back on the horse.....again!

E xx

PS My little notebook on the homepage of my computer has been changed from "My mummy is beautiful x" to "I've got a yummy mummy". Heart bursts. x

Second Week. Me Month.

2009-11-09T18:43:00.004Z

14st 3lb. Hey, good one! I woke up feeling slim (for me) and hopped on the scales with confidence - rewarded! Will have a good week.

I am doing ok at this focussing stuff. I have had a good walk every day for the past week and really enjoyed it. I don't seem to be making much progress in the fitness stakes though - I am still bright red and knackered by the time I get to the top of the Gill. I have been fortunate with the weather - no driving wind and rain to contend with yet. Rain I'm ok with, wind I am not. Work tomorrow but shouldn't be too late so may fit in my flirt with exercise. On Wednesday I have the joys of a scan on my leg in the morning followed by a fitting for my very attractive surgical stocking in the afternoon - my, my, the delights of being 44.

Anyway, I am feeling rather pleased with myself as I have been well ahead of trend in this blog. Last week, there was a report in the paper about "Thinheritance" (why thin, when the issue is fat?) - how a mother's attitude to her daughter's weight led to her own daughter having serious self loathing issues (I covered that weeks ago Daily Mail!). Today, the myths of being chubby - not eating enough puts your body into conservation mode (thinking it's starving) and so your weight plateaus - no, you plateau because your calorie intake is too high, ie, you eat too much! I have also tackled the fact that I will always eat enough - do you think the Daily Mail are poaching subjects from my blog??? Hmmm, interesting thought. I shall keep an eye out and then put in a bill.

I personally don't think a plateau is harmful, as long as you don't lose heart and go back to bad habits. Speaking as someone who has just had one for 6 weeks, it does allow your body to settle into the weight before starting the next phase with enthusiasm. It's like practising for the day you reach goal and have to maintain that plateau for ever more - as long as you don't plateau after each pound of course!

So, just four more pounds to go before I never see the 14stones again. Doesn't sound much. Sounds achieveable. Onward, ever onward.

E xx
PS Thank you Kestrel for your comments - makes perfect sense of course. It's like asking Him to sort my life out - I am sure He thinks it's fine already! x

Time to come out of the closet!

2009-11-08T22:11:00.009Z

I haven't done a Serious Subject Sunday for a while but before I do, I'll just insert a few pictures from my walk this afternoon - it was a right good bounder and boy, did I feel good afterwards. It was a fairly, but not dazzlingly, sunny day and the leaves are all but gone but still, I got some reasonable shots to show you how fortunate I am to live where I do.

This week a couple of you have asked what is this business with church? I mention it infrequently in my blogs as it isn't actually relevant to my blogging (although my pleading with the Almighty for progress with weight loss is a reality!). It is private and I rarely mention it in my life or bring it into conversation as, more often than not, it would be met with an uncomfortable, slightly embarrassed silence - which doesn't make me a very good disciple, does it?! I am certainly not someone who is about to lay my hand on your arm and say that all your troubles will be fine if you love Jesus as he loves you - oh no, I would be grossly uncomfortable if someone did as much to me. So, it's time to discuss my faith but please don't switch off - I'm not about to preach, attempt to convert you or say anything offensive - I just think it's time to explain how I am.

I am a Christian. I attend our village church every week unless I really can't make it. I am on our Parochial Church Council and am a church warden. More to the point, I love it.

There. Said it. Not too difficult.

I suppose I have always enjoyed church. I went to boarding school where a church service was a daily event and where, in my case, a true love of church music was deeply ingrained. My Uncle sang in the Polperro Fisherman's Choir for as long as I can remember and, even as a very young child, I loved to hear them sing and was terribly proud of him - I would challenge anyone not to be moved by the beauty of a well trained male voice choir. As a person who appreciates architecture, church buildings themselves are usually a magnificent centrepiece, especially in a small village such as ours.

I do not believe that you need to go to church to live a Christian life but, for me, it gives a rhythm to my Sunday that re centres my life and focuses my thoughts. I enjoy the format, the singing, the thoughts and prayers, the time out from a busy life. I have never made my children come with me and none of them choose to. I certainly don't think you need to go to church to be a part of the community as there are many very active, productive members of our community who never set foot over the threshold. However, for me, I enjoy the challenge of involving people indirectly in the church through such activities as making bread with the children for Harvest Festival, the Christmas Tree Festival, Fairtrade suppers, curry nights for an Indian orphanage - and much more.

As I have already said, I am fortunate to live where I do. I look around every day and see what is, for me, the stunning beauty of God's creation. I do not believe that these hills and Dales are made by man, the Big Bang or anything else. However, I am not so naive that I do not question whether my faith would be so strong if I cradled a child dying of starvation in an African Aid camp or stood in a village wiped out by a natural disaster, or even if I lived in a run down estate in one of our own more deprived cities. I live with a faith that is partially wrapped in cotton wool, protected and not hugely challenged.

I do believe that if we try to live more generous lives, the world would be a better place - if we showed more love, trust, respect and tolerance of others opinions. If we all showed small acts of kindness to someone outside our own home, the world would be a better place very quickly.

I am far from perfect. I am twice divorced; swear far too much; suffer road rage on an almost daily basis; have behaved in a far from Christian manner on many, many occasions; have hurt people whom I profess to love; have let people down ..... and many more.

This blog session feels as revealing as participating in "How to look good naked" - perish the thought! Back to full dress tomorrow.

E xx

PS I do know that the prayer line to God does not help weight loss!

Day 7 Me Month

2009-11-07T20:52:00.003Z

Well, I've survived shopping! I had an alarming, and infuriating, start to the day in that I was abruptly awoken by my partner leaping out of bed shouting, "You f*****g woman. You've turned the alarm off!" (he really is very nice - normally). I protested that I hadn't touched the alarm at the same moment as he realised it was 5:50am not 6:50am as he had thought. A mumbled apology as he fairly sheepishly got back into bed, falling instantly back to sleep, leaving me shell shocked and not best pleased. Anyway, it prompted an earlier than expected start to my day and I used the unexpected hour to do a speedy sprint round the gill walk with a delighted Lucy. So, I started the day with a citrus salad and a zing in my step. I was in one of those "conquer the world" kind of moods (how or whose, I haven't planned).

I got off to Darlington, battled with the shops (and shoppers) and did a significant amount of my Christmas shopping. As I explained yesterday, this is not because I am in any way organised or enjoy wrapping up Christmas by the end of November, in fact I am quite the opposite, but, I needed to shop before I thought I couldn't afford it. The best part of being a bankrupt (or having been recently) is that you can't have any credit so, although I have barely an asset to my name, I don't have a debt either (not monetary anyway!). Shopping for Christmas on a damp afternoon in Darlington is not to be recommended - there is something terribly sad about no irritating music, cross parents, bored men, excitable teenagers (actually, there were hordes of them!). No, it's Christmas eve in future.

I managed to get by on a half egg mayonnaise sandwich which I made before I went and ate in the car, a pear and a banana. I had a skinny latte mid afternoon. No chocs, no treats, no naughties!!! GOOD GIRL!

Remembrance Sunday tomorrow. Time to come out of the closet about my faith I think.

E xx

Day 6 Me Month

2009-11-06T15:48:00.005Z

14st 4lb. So, I wasn't punished for the trifle. Phew. I have lost three pounds this week which is great and will, I hope, spur me on to my target.

I made the beetroot and horseradish soup. It is a beautiful, smooth texture and has the most amazing colour (every little girl's dream bedroom). I softened a small onion in olive oil and then added a potato which I had peeled and diced. I then added 1/2 pint of chicken stock and some black pepper and simmered for 20 minutes until the potatoes were cooked. I put it in the blender and whizzed until smooth before adding 300g of cooked beetroot and a couple of teaspoons of horseradish sauce. Therein lies my error - the beetroot were described as sweet beetroot but in fact they were quite vinegary. Add to that the sharpness of the horseradish sauce and the soup was.....horrible! It tasted sour and unpleasant which was a shame as it is the most inviting looking soup I have cooked in ages. I am going to try it again but next time I will boil my own beetroot from raw and only add one teaspoon of horseradish.

So, I said it was my first day to myself and set myself a few targets (or intentions) for the day.
1. Enjoy a good walk - done
2. Design & hand out leaflets - done
3. Clean sitting room well - done
4. Start CV - you guess!
5. Find time to just "be" - I really tried!

Three and a half out of five ain't bad!

The girls were at their Dad's for bonfire night and so I had no one to get off to school. I despatched my partner with his pack up for a day on the moors (he'll be cold, wet and grumpy tonight but the day is mine in between) at 8am. I put the finishing touches to my Advent in Askrigg poster and set off at 8.30am to distribute leaflets and put up posters. We stayed out and did a good walk (just over 3 miles) returning at 11.20am, whacked, refreshed and more than ready for a coffee. The best thing about getting out early is that I can walk in the kitchen without Lucy leaping up and running to her lead - added to the fact that it was pouring with rain by lunchtime and hasn't let up since. I didn't take the camera as, although dry, it was very dull indeed and even the brightest leaves weren't sparkling.

I am proud to say that the sitting room is now gleaming. I have polished the furniture (even the table and chair legs!), washed the skirting boards, hoovered, washed and straightened all the pictures and photos, cleaned the windows and put all extraneous materials away (there were loads). I don't suppose anyone will notice but I do, which is all that matters. I have never been anything approaching tidy in the house but I am rarely actually dirty - but the silt has been accumulating and it gets me down. I have made a start.

I went up to the laundrette to get 3 loads of washing dried (I am not contaminating my lovely room with washing draped around) and had half an hour to kill whilst it dried. I decided to seize the moment and just "be". I went up a little track at the back of Hawes, turned off the radio and the engine and tried "relaxing". Clear your mind. Allow thoughts to pop into your mind unprompted. Hmmm....trying.....hmmm.....what have I got in for supper?....hmmm.....what shall I write in my blog tonight?....hmmm.....I feel really silly sitting here in the rain in the middle of nowhere - someone will walk passed and check a hose isn't attached to the exhaust in a minute......relax for God's sake.....find inspiration.....I try....then....bollocks! I was going to go to the preview of tomorrow's sale to see if they have a small chest of drawers for the landing (instead of the great big one which takes up most of the available space and the drawers don't slide in properly, leaving the kids underwear and uniform escaping very publicly). I left my haven of tranquility and belted to have a quick look (no, they didn't have one) before getting told off for being late for my laundry.

I think the closest I come to true escapism is writing this blog!

I am in a quandry. Tomorrow night we have nothing planned and the girls are away at their Dad's. Should we have friends in for a suitable-for-diet informal supper or should I cook a suitable-for-diet-romantic dinner for two and then disagree on what to watch on the TV? It's a dilemma!

Must dash to cook tea for eldest before she goes to work. Going Christmas shopping tomorrow - not like me to admit to Christmas before December (I absolutely LOVE it but only in the right month) but as October is my mega month at work, November is the only month when I have any money. Better get it over with!

E xx

PS The rate of business insolvencies is up again which rakes up some horrible memories for me - if you know of anyone experiencing business difficulty or failure, I would be happy to let them read my story "It's not all over - a personal journey through business failure" if you think it might help. Just let me know your email address via comments (I won't publish it) and I'll email it through.

Day 5 Me month

2009-11-05T21:36:00.002Z

Weigh day tomorrow. Enjoyed my diet so far this week and have been, almost completely, good. The naughty was the raspberry trifle at work today which was perched on the pudding counter and everytime I walked passed, it squawked "eat me, eat me" - unfortunately at times I couldn't resist! Not too many times but enough to bring on the guilt. I had some of the citrus fruit salad for breakfast and tomato soup for lunch.

When I got home, earlier than expected and with an hour to spare, I got changed and went off up the gill with Lucy. Sod would have it that today has been a glorious, clear autumnal day - really annoying when you are stuck in a hot, busy kitchen. However, have to earn a crust! It was starting to get dark by the time I was on the homeward stretch and I was ready for the paper and a cup of tea. I have made a discovery - if I walk upright and breathe in, I feel so much better - positive, slimmer and weirdly, less prone to be out of breath. Not that I usually walk like the hunchback of Notre Dame - but I do tend to motor on without regard to my general stance.

Tomorrow is my first real chance to do my own thing since starting Me Month. I have no work, no children, no partner to feed. I plan on a really good walk; thoroughly clean the sitting room (one room at a time); write at least part of my CV; find time to just "be" (hoping for the inspiration I'm expecting); sort out posters/fliers for the Advent in Askrigg events I am organising. I have to learn that not everyone lives by my "fly by the seat of your pants/leave everything to the last moment" method of life management - people seem to expect things of me. I do always get things done but not usually with much time to spare.

I am looking forward to tomorrow.

E xx

The intentions are good

2009-11-04T14:27:00.003Z

I went into work early so that I could get home in time for lunch with my partner (a very rare occurence at the moment) and then take Lucy for a proper long walk. However, the rain hasn't let up all day, added to which it's cold, so I'm being a wimp and sticking with the warmth of my kitchen and the comfort of the laptop. I have 6 spiced tealoaves almost ready in the oven and the kitchen smells perfect.

I had opened the laptop intending writing a CV, or at least making a start, but it is so many years since I have needed one (I have been self employed for almost 13 years) that I write "Curriculum Vitae" and then blank. However, I must tackle the deed and send it off to some possible employers. I think I am suffering from "back to work nerves" - although I have never stopped working since I left University, I worry that my practical skills are fairly basic - for example, I can touch type reasonably well and use my word processor every day but I am in no way professional and get totally muddled and furious when importing, exporting, cutting and pasting - I can wipe out entire documents at the push of a button and be sent into abject terror - they are always there somewhere but it's finding them that's the problem. I wish I could earn a living writing my blog.

Anyway, I made the tomato soup - I put little crosses in the tops of the tomatoes, drizzled them in a little olive oil and roasted them for an hour in the oven at 150C. I then softened an onion with 2 cloves of garlic and added the tomatoes, having first removed the skins and the core bit from the top. I added 1/2 pint of chicken stock with a tablespoon of tomato puree and lots of freshly ground black pepper. I simmered it for 15 minutes and then pureed with a good handful of fresh basil leaves. I declare it was delicious! I have had it for lunch and suspect the girls will clear off the rest when they come in from school. We are having fahitas for supper - filled with grilled chicken, avocado and salads and then a big juicy Galia melon for pudding.

I was delighted to read a timely article in the paper this lunchtime (when I extracted the paper from lover-boy - I really don't know why he "loves" me to be home for lunch other than to cook it - he always reads the paper, watches the news and complains about both!) titled "tomatoes are a dieter's dream - the healthy way to keep hunger at bay". A researcher is saying that tomatoes are very efficient at keeping the "full" sensation for longer (in addition to warding off cancer, lowering cholesterol, protecting against sunburn, fighting signs of ageing, healing wounds and helping the body absorb iron through its high levels of vitamin C - what a power packed little fruit!). My friend swears by homemade tomato soup packed with garlic to treat a cold (and very efficient at staving off unwelcome male attention too I suspect!). Our fridge almost always has tomatoes in as we all like them - I shall like them even more now.

Another article in today's very helpful paper is, surprise, surprise, shopping is fun.....if you are thin. Well, there's a shocker! How many times have you stood in the, usually small, or worse communal, cubical and been horrified at what you see? For starters, there are usually mirrors all around for you to admire areas that are usually, mercifully, hidden from view. Secondly, you went into the changing room with the vision of yourself in your head from at least 10 years and 2 sizes ago, so when the reality hits you full frontal (and side and rear to boot!) it is not a pretty sight. Thirdly, when do you actually plan ahead and wear nice underwear and good tights? I am always confronted by an overweight woman in grey Tescos knickers and opaque tights with a hole in the crotch, thigh and toes, an ill-fitting, badly washed bra, looking slightly harassed and flushed with hair that resembles a hay rack - she in no way resembles the woman who left home. No, I can honestly say that shopping for clothes, particularly when you have to buy something for a party/wedding, is an awful, demoralising, reality check. I more often than not end up deciding to make do with what is in the wardrobe and buy either 250g of Brazil nut toffee from Thorntons or a pack of 4 jam doughnuts from M&S instead, driving away as quickly as possible from the experience, vowing to do something about my weight (after I've finished the treats). The article concludes with, "Why then, do so many women hit the shops? - "The answer," said the professor, "appears to be for inspiration and fantasy." Too right!

I am going to have to brave the rain. Fresh air and exercise are the order of the hour - I feel like an eager Guide leader without a pack. CV can wait for inspiration.

E xx

Added later on - am going to take camera next time I go out to show you why I should always choose a walk (even though I got soaked!) over sitting in a warm kitchen at my laptop - can always come back in to kitchen feeling invigorated, alive and inspired!

Day 3 Me Month

2009-11-03T22:28:00.003Z

14st 5lb. Good God. We're off the starting blocks without a false start! Long and fast may it continue. I have again done well on the diet front with a bit of fat free tea loaf for breakfast (I was cutting the ends off the loaf at work); my autumnal soup, a tangerine and a pear for lunch and an absolutely disgusting "healthy living" prawn sandwich from Tescos for supper (I knew I wouldn't have time to eat when I got home before going out to a meeting and I was famished) - it actually tasted off, even though it has two more days date on it. I contemplated throwing it out of the car window but hunger got the better of me (and a naughty little thought that a bit of food poisoning would certainly speed me along the road to 13stone!). Anyway, whilst in Tescos, I bought most of the fruit & veg department and felt utterly sanctimonious at the check-out with my super healthy trolley (the others in the queue were probably thinking "how does she stay so fat with a trolley like that?!). I got the most gorgeously ripe vine tomatoes to roast for my roast tomato and basil (smells like cat wee) soup tomorrow. I am really excited about making it. I also got the beetroot and am going to try it with a touch of horseradish I think for a bit of a kick (or with ginger and orange as an alternative - what do you think?). Thank you Sally for your comment about grapefruit (I bought a pink, ruby and white one to make a medley citrus salad with oranges - yes, I really am in the mood aren't I) - I too hate "pithing" about with them but the natural stomach crunches make it worth it!

I didn't get a walk today as I went to work early and then had to rush off to Northallerton (the great Metropolis) for a hospital appointment about my leg. The very nice consultant is the one who was not impressed with my efforts (or lack of) to lose weight last time I saw him. Well, he was cautiously pleased with the progress and delighted to hear I am "in the zone" and determined to continue in the right direction. My leg is awful and needs sorting - they could operate or could try the relatively new procedure which sounds like foam filler - I have visions of my leg expanding even more with solid rivulets running from thigh to ankle. I got heartily chastised for not wearing the prescribed surgical stockings - I made it sound as if I had forgotten to put them on after showering earlier in the afternoon - not that I have no idea where the ruddy things are, if indeed they haven't got thrown out. A bit like control garments, they have a habit of rolling down my fat thighs in a very neat roll that totally cuts off all blood supply to the leg and leads to total embarrassment as you subtly try to grapple with the middle of your leg. They are utterly gross. Anyway, apparently they are essential to the health of my leg. He has conceded that I can have one that comes to below the knee - in my experience, they just cut into the back of your knee and cut off the blood supply. I will give it a go - c'est la vie!

Whilst in the big city, I decided to go to Boots and stand on their "healthy weight scales" - how can scales have a healthy weight? I would love to say that my suspicions were correct and my scales have broken at 14 and a half stone because I was delighted to read 11st 7lb on the little print out - however, I obviously haven't been living with the fairies for long enough as the scales read 14st 7lb, as did the ones at the hospital. Never mind, I will get there.

So, end of day 3. Haven't found the peace yet but tomorrow is another day. Hopefully it's just me, my Kenwood mixer and Radio 4 tomorrow morning - bliss!

E xx

Day 2 Me Month

2009-11-02T19:20:00.002Z

No weight today.

So, not exactly off to a flying start but a fairly positive one. The diet has gone well today - a grapefruit for breakfast; a leftover lamb sandwich for lunch (fat cut off); a small baked potato with ham and a mug of my soup for supper - and half a pomegranite. I intended having the soup for lunch but I was late from work and in a hurry to go to a meeting so didn't have time. I had planned to raid the greengrocers for lots of inviting, sumptuous fruit and vegetables, but my wages didn't go into the bank in time so I only had £10 - so I made a Shepherd's Pie with veg for the family instead of the intended chicken fajitas. I also couldn't afford some luscious vine tomatoes or basil for tomorrow's soup, so it's more of the same - which is delicious and not a hardship. There's always tomorrow.

I got back from my meeting in time to go up the gill for a walk with Lucy. Wow, have we had some wind and rain in the past few days - proper autumnal gales. The resulting effect is a carpet of every coloured leaf in the autumn spectrum from pale yellow through to dark brown, still perfect and fresh before turning mushy underfoot. The malevolent, slate grey sky threatened rain for the whole walk but, even the lack of sunshine couldn't detract from the stunning beauty of the trees - the few remaining leaves on the trees dancing in the wind like jewels. I sat up at the waterfall, in full spate (the waterfall, not me), and tried my "new age, commune with nature, leave it to the fairies" meditation - I can't do it. It makes me laugh (at myself). I just settled for enjoying the peace (if sitting on a damp rock in the rain with a roaring waterfall can be called peace!).

Anyway, I've had a good day all in all, if not a particularly quiet one. For the last 4 hours it has been nothing but, "Mum, have you seen my...", "Mum, I need to get my ingredients ready for cookery", "What have you got in for my packed lunch tomorrow?" - none stop whittering. Early night planned (with a new book!).

E xx

Wow, here I come!

2009-11-01T22:23:00.002Z

14st 7lb. It's the first of November!!! It's the start of "Me Month". By the end of this month I intend to be feeling happier, healthier and be at least into the 13stones. This 14/7 business has gone on too long. This is supposed to be a "weight loss" blog not a "stick-at-the-same-weight-for-6-weeks" blog. I am supposed to be inspiring fellow suffers of FCD ("Fat Cow Disease") to join me in the quest for a healthier life, not boring you with the tedium of a busy life.

This is my horoscope from yesterday's Daily Mail (yes, I know, but we can't agree on an alternative and I can't afford two papers).
Pisces Time is precious. That's why its so important to waste it. When you try too hard to make every moment count, you end up putting yourself under pressure. Hours fly by like seconds when a person is in a hurry. To make them slow down, you have to push your agenda aside and create a little space in which to drift. That's also how you gain access to inspired ideas. So gaze into space. Let the fairies spirit you away this November. They'll take you to a place where you can eventually see more clearly how to clear up a mess and solve a problem. Those fairies are far more practical than you imagine. Trust them this month.

Well, wasn't that just written for me (I can't believe it fits the agenda of 1 in 12 of the population mind!). I loved the Flower Fairies as a child and my children could recite the poems off by heart as babes, so leaving life to the fairies is not a difficult decision.

This is my plan for November:

1. You are stuck with me, day in, day out. I am blogging away to my heart's content and you, my imaginary friends, are filling me with inspirational positivity.
2. My diet is going to be good. Not a pressured, plodding diet but a feel good, healthy, vitamin-packed diet, full of flavours, colours and texture.
3. This incredible positivity is going to be fed by the fact that I will make time to walk and get proper exercise. I will glow. The dog will shine.
4. I am going to take time to really think about where I want to be in this life and how I can achieve it. I know I want to be out of catering but I don't know what I do want and what is practical living where I do. Should I retrain? If so, what as? Can I afford to change direction? I know I want to do something more meaningful.
5. I am going to work my way through this whole dirty little house and clean it. It gets me down. A bit at a time will do the trick (as long as the little blighters don't follow behind creating havoc in my wake!).

I am starting with soups. This week I am going to make lots of lovely healthy soups and I am going to love them. I have probably already said that my mother is the Queen of the Soup - she loves them, makes interesting, flavour packed ones and her diet is really working, mainly down to soup. Today we had a major novelty in our house in that all five of us sat down to breakfast and chatted amiably, then four of us had a proper roast Sunday lunch. It seems so long since our lives had an normality or continuity. It is the best thing about the Autumn - the closing of the curtains at Sunday teatime, snacky bits for supper, all the family in the sitting room watching Antiques Roadshow (ok, all the family in the sitting room whinging at having to watch AR!). Anyway, we had a roast leg of home bred lamb for lunch with loads of lovely vegetables. I roasted extra butternut squash, sweet potatoes and peppers so that I could add it to softened onions with garlic, a tin of tomatoes and some chicken stock. I then blended the whole lot together to make a lovely thick, very tasty soup for tomorrow. I am going to focus on colour so I intend making a fresh tomato and basil; a gorgeous peppery watercress; a beetroot and orange - any other suggestions? By the end of this week, I will be bursting with vitamins and well set up against winter flu.

So, my little band of supporters, I plan to succeed and not to disappoint. Target: 10lbs by November 30th. Any takers for a competition?

See you tomorrow!

E xx
PS Going to every three days for weighing in.

I'm back!

2009-10-30T15:17:00.002Z

14st 7lb. I've survived another season of lamb/tup sales and amazingly, I am feeling relatively normal and not nearly as washed out as I was this time last year. The last couple of days were hard work with very long hours but, all in all, satisfying and at least this time I didn't gain weight even though I eat very little whilst there. On Wednesday, in the 19 hours that I was awake and working, I ate 4 Quality Street sweets off the reception desk in the office and 2 Weetabix with hot milk when I got home. I was not good yesterday - in terms of calories for the day it was not OTT, but I ate all the wrong things - a piece of coffee cake; 6 Quality Streets; 15 chips from the fryer; a ham sandwich (and that was only because I was conscious that I was starting to pick).

Anyway, I have realised something positive. I may not be moving down the scales but, I no longer feel enormous. I have graduated to being a "big lass" and feel I am within acceptable limits. This in no way alters the fact that I know I have a long way to go to be medically within acceptable limits, but I feel that my hugeness is not necessarily the first thing people will notice about me. This is a really positive step in the right direction. It started in Cornwall when I was fairly relaxed and able to get out and walk in such beautiful surroundings every day. I know it is a scientifically proven fact that your "feel good" hormones are raised when you exercise but I never really believed it. However, when I had no other distractions such as work, family life and stemming the tide of chaos at home, I felt great. Maybe it's the taking control or indulging in a past time that you know is doing you good.

I am so looking forward to November. I am going to be positive, nurturing and more confident. I need to take my life in hand and tackle the issues that are holding me back (mainly money and work!). I wish I had my time again to really carefully consider where I wanted to be with a career.

I'm signing off for a while as I need to go to a funeral. I will be back to finish off later.
Exx

I now like aubergines!

2009-10-27T21:12:00.002Z

Not exactly love, but certainly not dislike! I walked past a box of aubergines in the market today and thought how inviting they looked. I didn't actually buy any as I have two busy days at work and won't have time to cook. I have made some ratatouille to take with me for lunch. Thank you for the cooking suggestions - I will try them. I actually do like moussaka but I don't think it will fit with the diet plans.

I am really excited about my plans for November. I am going to start as I mean to go on. You may notice there isn't a weight at the top of the page - this is not because I have gone back to twice a week weigh in, it's because I know the news won't be good. I have been picking. However, today I have been much better. I grabbed a piece of toast & honey on my way out to work, then a hard boiled egg with a tomato and cucumber for lunch and two pieces of toast with peanut butter for supper. Too much bread I know but I was late in after a busy day and was too tired to bother as everyone else had eaten.

I am suffering from lack of exercise which generates that "feel good" factor. As I will be in work from 5.30am to midnight tomorrow, other than being on my feet all day, I won't get a walk and will miss tennis again this week. I really miss it and will try to organise a game for the weekend when I have NOTHING PLANNED!!!! What a joy!

Anyway, I'm signing out until Friday at the earliest due to work commitments.

Happy dieting
E xx

Learning to love the aubergine!

2009-10-25T15:29:00.002Z

14st 7lb. I sat in church this morning and decided (I did concentrate on the sermon, I promise!) that I will get another stone off before Christmas. This will take some focus and effort, both of which I am happy to give. I am so excited about my "Me November" - a month of concentration on me, my diet and my health. This is becoming essential as I am truly knackered and my leg is not in a good state. Taking 12 antibiotics a day is taking its toll and doesn't seem to be making progres on the leg! Never mind. Four more big days at work (we do go out with a bang - Weds & Thurs are HUGE) and by Friday, the main season with be over. Phew! The girls and I can have me back.

I am tackling demons. As you have probably gathered, there are very few foods that I don't like. Aubergines are one of them but I feel I should. Yesterday, I intentionally bought one. It is sitting on the side in the kitchen waiting for me to lavish it with the love it demands. They really are the most beautiful vegetable (fruit) - glossy, richly coloured, with that lovely little green cap like Peaseblossom's in A Midsummer Night's Dream. I have looked up recipes online but have concluded that I will make some really herby ratatouille, stuff it into the aubergine and bake it in the oven. I am determined that I will like it - we shall see! I'll let you know tomorrow.

Planning ahead, I am going to have a good week even though it is a busy one. I have made some carrot and coriander soup and am going to keep off the bread. Lots of lemon water. No naughties!

E xx

My confession

2009-10-23T21:05:00.002+01:00

14st 7lb. oh dear. I am sorry. Must do better.

Anyway, at the beginning of the week, I said I would make a BIG confession. It involves food. It involves greed. In my defense, it was a long time ago and I did learn from it.

I suppose, as a child, I was a petty thief in the making. I clearly remember my brother and I pinching 2p off the back of the Aga and getting discovered. Our punishment was that he wasn't allowed to go to Saturday club at the cinema at all although I was allowed to go but no pocket money for sweets in the interval - I suppose the parents must have thought he was the ring leader (which he could well have been). On another occasion, my younger brother and I pinched a large packet of Victory V's from the village shop - only to discover that I didn't like them. I have never worked out why we didn't throw them in the bin instead of making him eat them all - resulting in the doctor at 2am with my mother thinking he had appendicitis.

However, my true crime came at the age of 11 when I was away at boarding school. You see, each half term you could take sweets back to put in the "tuck cupboard" and then a couple of times a week after tea, we could take an item out of the cupboard as our treat. I have said before that I was a skinny child with a pathetic appetite but I loved sweets (still do!). Well, we usually went back to school on a Sunday night and our sweets didn't go into the tuck cupboard until after breakfast on Monday morning, by which time little Miss Piggy had usually eaten most of hers. However, I had the misfortune to share a room with a very well off girl who bought loads of sweets back but who was really quite indifferent to their charms. She used to sneak some of hers to the back of her knicker drawer and put the rest into the tuck cupboard. Well, you guessed it. I tried and tried but I couldn't resist. The little neglected treats were screaming from their prison, "Eat me, eat me". So, when I happened to find myself alone one afternoon, I quietly sneaked over to her drawers, bent down, heart pounding, opened the drawer, removed the tin, opened the lid, selected a mini mars bar and....der, der, deeeeer (drum roll of drama)......in walked matron. "What are you doing?" she bellowed. "Umm. Umm" came my pathetic, inadequate reply. She gave me a lecture about stealing and said we would say no more about it. I was mortified. I cried. I didn't sleep properly for weeks. I never mentioned it to a soul. I never forgot it. But, the incident took me out of the underworld of crime and out into the world of honesty and integrity. I think I went the other way - I have always had a propensity to give away rather than hoard and am scrupulously above board.

The matter did not, as matron had promised, end there. Five years later, when I was about to go into 6th form, I was being considered for Head of House, a position of some responsibility. I was gaily coming down the stairs one day towards the end of term, just before the announcements of prefects, when I over heard my housemistress (she of the most incredibly scaffolded, gravity-defying bosom you have ever seen!) discussing candidates with the headmistress. Conversation as follows:
Headmistress: "Well surely Elizabeth is the obvious choice."
Housemistress: "Well you would think so on the face of it but (confidential voice) she steals you know".
Headmistress: "Good gracious. You've never mentioned it. That does put a different complexion on things."
Housemistress: "It was some time ago."
Me: "Some time ago. I was eleven. It was one mini mars bar (which I had to put back). You can't hold that against me!"

I didn't of course actually say that. I stood on the stairs (out of view) rigid with mortification and then burning with injustice.

I was made Head of House (but never Head of School - could have been the thieving but......more likely the boys!).

Anyway, confession over. This will not come as a shock to my mother as I drunkenly confessed it to her some years ago.

Lesson learnt: Greed will catch up with you. It stays with you for life. I still feel the shame of that 11 year old (and 16 year old)!

E xx

The knees are crumbling!

2009-10-22T11:53:00.004+01:00

14st 7lb. I have just got back from an appointment with the orthopaedic consultant about my knee. Right back at the beginning of my diet journey I said that one of the reasons for dieting is my health, which is not great. At the beginning of August, a friend and I took our girls camping in on the East coast and ended up on a whirly ride in Bridlington. It was fast and furious and if you consider getting crushed repeatedly by your best buddie as she is uncontrollably flung against you to be fun, then this is the ride for you! You hang on for dear life and brace your legs firmly against the bar under your feet. When I left the ride, my legs were like jelly and every muscle ached. Two days later, I woke up to find that my knee would bear no weight whatsoever and I ended up going straight to hospital for an xray. Suffice to say that I was referred to a specialist. During the past couple of months, it has got much better and now, other than aching knees after a long walk, I have no ill effects. However, according to my xrays I am showing early onset arthritis. This is not a great surprise as I have a clicky hip as well. When I asked the consultant what could I do to minimise the problem, surprise, surprise...lose weight!

It is my responsibility to look after my future health and I do think whichever politician it was that said the national health service should refuse to treat people who are seriously overweight for related illnesses until they get to a healthier state, had a point. What would be the point of spending the money on a knee replacement if I am going to continue to exert a great deal of pressure on it? On the drive back, I calculated that, inspite of losing one and a half stone this year, I am still carrying around the equivalent of three quarters of a sack of potatoes in excess weight, all the time. I would struggle to carry such a sack to the end of the lane but I am expecting my knees and hips to support that weight continuously. It is a bit of an eye opener.

I have also realised with shame that I have been in the 14stones since the 5th of September and weighed the same as I weigh now almost a month ago. This has got to stop. I need to really concentrate and get moving. I am really excited about the fact that my major sales at work finish next week (they go out with a bang - horrendous hours and I'm dreading them) but I am going to dedicate November to Elizabeth. I need TLC both physically and mentally. I am going to focus on the family, house and me. Good food, good exercise and some time to breathe. It won't happen, but I am going to try. Listening to Women's Hour on the way to the hospital, it was dedicated to Virginia Woolf and was talking in particular about her book "A Room of One's Own" and how she felt you need space both physically and mentally to be able to flourish. It has been my dream for years to have a room that is only mine - to read, relax, write, sew. In the chaotic world that is this household, we all suffer somewhat from being under each others' feet. There is no where to go if you want peace.

Dream on, Lizzie.......

E xx

Wrap up in a duvet

2009-10-21T15:34:00.002+01:00

14st 8lb. Today is a day when I feel like lying on the sofa, wrapped in a duvet, watching a soppy film whilst dipping a Mars bar into a mug of hot chocolate.

You will be relieved to know that instead I have made a cup of tea and am writing this, which distracts me from food. I really need to go off into a corner, have a good cry and get it out of my system. This may be easier if I knew what "it" was. I am in a miserable, self pitying mood (as you may have gathered) and feel stuck in a rut. Nothing is working right - my diet, my work, the children, my health. I am absolutely knackered which, of course, does not help my mood. I had more than usual amount of sleep at the weekend but perhaps, like my diet, the journey down and back out weighed the benefit of being good in between. Work is hectic and whatever I do never seems to be quite good enough. The children break up for half term tomorrow and last night gaily asked what we were doing during the holidays - I am working god knows how many hours until next Friday when I'll be so tired I'll be neither use nor ornament, as the saying goes. In addition, it is "Think Pink" day (Breast Cancer) at school tomorrow and they need to dress in pink - they are not really pink girls and the only pink T-shirt I possess is an Ann Summers one that I was given with something obsene on the front - certainly not suitable for school! I will have to do a mercy dash to Tescos. I am suffering the guilt complex of the working mother. To compound the problems, I had to go to the doctor this morning as my bad leg is horrible - I am now on two strong antibiotics for a fortnight to combat cellulitis (so give it three days and I'll have thrush to add to my woes!)

Do you know, I feel better already! A good moan to cyberspace has done some good.

So, to today. I have eaten sensibly and, although not even remotely in the mood, had a good hour's walk with the dog. I should have felt lifted by the glorious colours in the woods and the fact that it wasn't raining as had been forecast, but I didn't. Lucy chased rabbits (to no avail thankfully) and generally ran around just happy to be out. She found a number of dry, crisp rabbit carcasses to relish (my mother calls them rabbit jerky) - why do dogs take such pleasure from such revolting fayre? I almost took on extra protein of my own, in the form of a fairly large spider which must have chosen to swing from a branch at the exact moment that I huffed and puffed my way up the hill towards the stile - as I took a deep breath the spider must have been sucked into the vacuum and splatted onto my tonsils. The poor, very polite looking couple who had the misfortune to arrive at the other side of the stile, looked totally alarmed to find me frantically trying to expel the creature in a most unladylike manner! It was revolting but worked - I'm afraid the spider is no more but at least I am not going to be kept awake imagining the wriggling and multiplication of an active arachnid!

Tonight I am going to a hand bag party - having paid my accountants, the electricity bill, two large car repair bills in addition to the usual household expenses this month, I can't afford a new purse, never mind a new hand bag. However, she's a great friend and entertaining host, so I shall go and help with refreshments (without eating them all) - perhaps I'll skip supper and just go for red wine?!

Tomorrow is another day.

E xx

Spatial awareness

2009-10-20T22:33:00.002+01:00

Quick one tonight as I'm tired, in a grotty mood and smell like a deep fat fryer (from work).

14st8lb. Still. Hummm. No time for exercise as it was a long day at work. Tomorrow however, I am going to go out with the dog for a good walk before I set off to work (if I leave it until afterwards, I always have too much to do in too little time).

Tonight I popped into a friend's after work as she wanted my opinion on some carpet samples. Her husband was trying to convince her that they had plenty of wallpaper left on the roll to finish the wall. I said that he definitely didn't have enough. We even tried to bet against it with dinner at a particularly good restaurant but he wasn't falling for that one. Anyway, I was right. There wasn't enough.

I should have warned him, I am very spatially aware. I can judge whether things can fit into a space and am a very adept parker of car. As a child, my mother used to make blancmanche rabbits for tea, which were a favourite. As there were 4 children (5 eventually but my little brother was an after thought) competition was fierce. The argument was always about who could have the head or the bob tail. However, I never joined in the bickering. I knew from a very early age, that the main body of the rabbit contained the most delicious, creamy, pink blancmanche. Who wants the scrawny little head when you can have a big fat body!! (Bearing in mind, I was a scrawny little kid.)

Anyway, the bath is calling. I will write properly tomorrow. I may even make my confession for you.

E xx

Please bear with me

2009-10-19T15:43:00.003+01:00

or should that be bare? I think bear.
14st 8lb. This is an outrage on the scale of when I went to Leeds at the beginning of my quest. Have you ever felt you are living life swimming through treacle - well, this is me, stuck in this rut of pathetic weight loss. I'm fed up - you must be fed up. By Friday, I resolve to be back where I was a week ago. God, this weight loss is hard work and a strain on resourses.

Anyway, I have loads to talk about after 5 days away. Some light hearted, some more serious so take what you like from it. Where to start? At the very beginning, as it says in the song.
Last Thursday, I set off to Cornwall. I went into work before 7am and had a very busy day. I made myself have a roast pork dinner as I knew I had a long drive ahead of me - I had no potatoes and only a little gravy. I set off at 4pm, dreading the drive - get on the motorway at Lancaster and, in theory, remain on it to Plymouth - sooooo boring! I would love to say that I only ate the orange and banana that I thoughtfully packed but no, I'm sorry but I would be lying. I actually ate: one banana, one cheese and tomato roll, one pack of sesame seed snaps, 1/2 bag of fruit pastilles, one scone (left over from work - should have thrown it away), one regular cappucino, a Bounty bar (ok, I admit it, a trio - but at least I didn't fall for the "buy 2 for £1.20 offer). What is it about the car? Is it the privacy? You are in your own little world and no one can see you? I get in it and start planning my snacks - I know I shouldn't have let any of it over the threshold but I am a disgrace. I drive along setting targets for when I am allowed to eat my next item. "You can have the other half of that Bounty when you have passed two service stations" - it never works, I've always scoffed it before I pass the first. Thank God I am not a sales rep - I would be the size of a house. I will make a BIG confession later in the week about not being able to resist temptation.

Well, I made steady progress through the various road works and passed Exeter at 10.15pm looking forward to a cup of tea and the electric blanket which had been left on in anticipation of my arrival. I went into roadworks, started to go up a hill and went to change gear - strange grinding noise. Tried again - worse grinding noise. I'm on the M5 and coming to a halt - it's dark and drizzling and my car has stopped in the middle of the M5. Not a good place to be. I let the car free wheel back into the cordoned off bit and rang the AA. "We can't help you until you are in a safe place. Get out of your car. Stand in the central reservation. Put the phone down and ring the police. They will get you out". Thankfully a very nice chap on the other carriageway stopped and arranged for a truck to come and "retrieve" me. They came and took me to Exeter racecourse car park where they left me - pitch black, huge car park and one other car with a man inside. He gets out and tells me he's been waiting for two and a half hours to be recovered. "Don't want to sound funny" he says, "but my car is warm and I have a radio. I'm perfectly safe". Now, I'm not being funny, but is he really going to get out and announce that he's the local pervert. Add to that fact, my car may look like a heap but it does have a heater and a radio too. I ask what is wrong with his car. He has a burst tyre. Hmm. Two and a half hours with a flat tyre. He's safe! Eventually, I am recovered, taken to a local garage (with the clutch gone apparently) given a hire car and finally reach the extremely hot bed at 2.15am. Not the journey I had planned.

However, I awake to a beautiful morning and, partly due to excessive guilt at the food fest in which I had partaken on my journey down, I decide to walk the four miles to Granny's. It involves 2 miles down little roads to Talland Bay and then a further couple of miles along the cliff path to Polperro. It was glorious, invigorating and the perfect start to the day. More of cliff walks later.

I was expecting a change in Gran. I had been warned of change in Gran.

I was not prepared for the change in my Gran. My beautiful Granny is in a tiny, frail, skeletal frame. It is a shock to see someone so diminished. Her vibrancy is gone. She is exhausted with life. How can you continue to sleep when all you do is sleep? We chatted then she dozed. I held her hand and watched her. We reminisced about friends, relatives and happy childhood days. I told her about the girls and their busy lives. She told me I looked healthy, lovely and well. I felt it. She said she has missed my Grandpa every day for over 33 years and is ready to see him again - I feel almost happy for her in a sense.

On the food front, ignoring the excesses of the journey down, I did very well. On Friday I had the delicious crab salad I had been promised, then for supper a chicken leg without the skin. On Saturday, I had muesli for breakfast, Mum's soup for lunch and salmon with roasted vegetables for supper. On Sunday, I had muesli for breakfast, chicken leg and vegetables for lunch...and then a bit of a fest on the way back north...but not as bad as the journey down!

As well as being healthy on the eating front, I had good exercise in long walks with Mum's dog. I am a Yorkshire girl at heart and love Wensleydale. However, there is something so restorative about walking on the cliffs. For me, it is the mixing of elements. Unusually the sea was calm and the sky a vast expanse of blue. It was utterly beautiful and just what I needed to contemplate Granny and life in general. Even in mid October, there were acres of creamy, musky scented honeysuckle, intertwined with brambles and autumnal bracken. In the hedgerows, there were still campions, knapweed, dog daisies, wild thyme and sage. It feeds your senses. I found myself wondering how anyone could go shopping or attend a car boot sale on a Sunday - what a waste of time to restore the rhythm to your life after a busy week.

So, all in all, inspite of two naughty car journeys, I did not deserve a 3lb gain. I am going to weigh myself daily this week to make sure I get back down. It has to be a blip. I have to get moving.

off for a few days

2009-10-14T19:31:00.002+01:00

14st 5lb. Weighed myself today, partly to check and partly as I am off to Cornwall tomorrow until Sunday. The rest of the family couldn't survive without the computer so I'll be out of range for the time.

I am going to see my Mum who is looking after my Granny as she is ill. I adore my Granny. She is beautiful, petite (is now a little bird) and has the softest, downiest skin - I used to love to stroke her face as a little girl. However, she is my worst critic. I remember, many years ago, going down to see my great uncle (her brother) who was in the very latter stages of bowel cancer - I hadn't announced I was coming and when I walked through the door, without even saying hello, she said with her lovely Cornish lilt, "oh my dear, you've put so much weight on your face". I retorted with, "I've put a lot on my bottom as well, if you care to look!" Sadly, she is very poorly and frail and, with luck, will simply be pleased to see me and not have the inclination to judge!

Now usually a trip to Polperro means a trip to Looe for warm, just out of the oven, proper Cornish pasties. It's the smell. Believe me, on a clear cold day there is nothing better than sitting on a beach listening to the rhythmic beat of the waves against the beach, pasties warming your hands, just quietly in tune with nature. As children we would run off to explore the rock pools looking for shannies and crabs; search for hours on the beach for my favourite shells (cowries); dig at the top of the beach until we reached water and then tunnel a trench down to the water's edge. At the end of it all, we would run back to Granny and her basket of goodies and tuck into a pasty before setting off to start all over again. Happy days!

This time, no pasties. No pillowy soft splits (little white bread buns) with Gran's raspberry jam and clotted cream. Mum & I are both dieting and have promised not to mislead each other. She has however, arranged a fresh crab salad at the wonderful restaurant across the road ("The Kitchen" if you're ever in Polperro - simply the best!) which will be a perfect Cornish treat.

I will plan for the journey with fruit and a sandwich. I will fill the car with petrol so there is no need for a service station stop. Car journeys are so boring and the temptation to eat is so strong. I will resist. I will report a loss on Monday when I get back.

The cliff path is calling me for some bracing walks!

E xx

The H E diet

2009-10-13T22:31:00.003+01:00

14st 5lb. Goody, goody on the way down!

Life is far from boring at the moment as it doesn't allow a moment to be bored, but it could be a little tedious for a blog reader. Basically, it follows this pattern:

4.30am-7am, depending on when I need to be at work. Get up, shower, breakfast, sort girls, scrabble around various pots for dinner money, send them off to school.
Daytime: Work like mad in very busy kitchens.
On a normal day at 3.30-5pm. Go home, make supper, eat supper, sort homework or ironing or cleaning (very rarely sadly - the "deep clean fairy" urgently needs to pay a visit).
8pm-10pm-ish. Collapse in a heap, try to requisition the remote control, answer emails etc, make any necessary phonecalls and, sadly, play scrabble on facebook if I have time.
11pm ish Go to bed. Rarely asleep before midnight.

See, where is the excitment in that? You don't want to know what I had to eat, other than it was not too bad but not my best day either. I was despairing as to what little nugget of interest I could find for you today. Racing towards the end of the day, it came, in the last furlong, from my delightful Uncle David. He is an elegant, true gentleman who loves life, thoroughly appreciates good food and wine and is himself a superb cook. At various times in his life, he has had to take his expanding girth in hand. At present, he is trying the smaller portion, smaller plate method of intake reduction. He told me tonight that his father (who also loved good food) used to, from time to time, follow the "H.E." diet. When I asked what it is, he said the "Halve Everything" diet. Now, when you think about it, that is an instant way to cut calories with absolutely no deprivation (which must be the downfall of virtually every diet) - you can still have a succulent fillet steak with a creamy brandied sauce but half the amount. I could live with that! It would perhaps have room in my dieting world for my "naughty" days - days when only sugary food will fill the void. If you really can't resist that slice of banoffe pie, have it, but only indulge in a small piece instead of the usual chunk. I could see this working. Not that I intend to succumb anyway, but, if I do, a little restraint can't harm can it?

Thank you Uncle David for that food for thought.

E xx

On top of the world!

2009-10-12T21:52:00.004+01:00

No weigh in until tomorrow but I am hopeful, even though it is the wrong TOTM. I am totally "in the zone" now and dieting at the moment is no effort. Today I woke and had muesli with natural yoghurt, a large bowl of ratatouille for lunch and a baked chicken breast with roasted tomatoes out of the garden and roasted butternut squash, followed by an orange. I am not drinking more than two cups of tea a day. I still haven't remembered to drink ordinary water.
My tiny naughty was picking the bits of boiled over apple from the edge of the apple crumble dish - it is just so sticky, sweet and tempting! I did draw the line at eating a portion of the actual apple crumble.

I went to work which was busy but uneventful. When I got home, I had half an hour before the girls got home from school, so I left a note and took Lucy up to the woods for a walk. It has been a beautiful clear autumn day, with crisp leaves crunching underfoot. It makes you happy to be alive and was a total contrast to my walk last week.

I am concentrating my efforts on not eating much bread or using milk so, although I am no longer detoxing, I am still in fairly strict diet mode. I feel fitter, certainly slimmer and generally healthier. I hope it continues! If I was starting my diet now, I would make sure I took the alarming measurements from all my gross bits so that I could monitor actual reduction - I think I would be making good progress, especially from my waist. The friends with whom we were out on Saturday night sent the photo on the left through - I don't look gross which is something for me to admit!

E xx

Is dieting anti-social?

2009-10-11T23:05:00.003+01:00

14st 6lb. I know it wasn't a weigh in day but I decided that I was so encouraged by Friday that I would sneak a peak - this time genuine and constant, so valid. Now I'm over half way down the stone towards being in the 13's - it is so exciting!

I did really well at work yesterday and had grapefruit for breakfast and a hard boiled egg with a chopped tomato for lunch. I drank lemon water all day barring one cup of tea. This compromise suits me better - interspersing a healthy fruit tea or lemon water with my normal rations. I still need to win the battle to drink water as habit - after 44 years I suppose it is a hard nut to crack.

Last night, as I had said, we went to friends for dinner. It was a really good evening, including the girls which was great. There were nibbley bits with drinks which was easy as there were peppers and carrot sticks for dipping so I just ignored the dips and a mix of unsalted cashew nuts and walnuts which are perfectly acceptable to detoxing. I ignored the crisps and peanuts. So far, so good. I had a glass of crisp, chilled, dry champagne which was definitely fat free the last time I looked and doesn't taste very sugary - and quite frankly, I am so rarely offered champagne these days that I would have accepted it whatever the contents. Supermodels sup champagne and they are all stick thin. Dinner was self serve chicken with a delicious mushroom & cider sauce and vegetables. At least then you can fill alot of the plate with vegetables and no one notices what you are eating. Pudding was not so successful (it was in the eating, just not for the diet) - a warm almond & plum tart and banoffe pie - I only had a small piece (of each) but it would have been rude not to have. Since I had already been naughty, I couldn't resist 2 biscuits with delicious, tart blue cheese followed by two chocolate mints.

Which brings me to our Sunday topic - is dieting anti-social? I conclude that, yes it is. As I intimated in my last session, my partner is averse to me eating a different meal from the rest of the family (which I try not to do, but steak & kidney pie with a luscious suet crust pastry served with creamy mash and rich gravy is definitely not on the menu for any dieter!). I think going out to dinner at a restaurant is definitely an easier option than going to friends as you can, without mentioning anything or making a fuss, order sensibly from the menu and I always find, in a group of 8 diners, there are at least a couple who decline a pudding so you don't stand out (admittedly, I am never one of the two, but there's always a first time!). Going to friends is a different matter altogether and I'm afraid I've concluded that you just have to forget it (within reason) for the night. The alternative is to cause discomfort among your fellow diners and of course, the host. The real world (outside the diet bubble) involves a variety of foods and levels of fattening-ness and we have to learn to balance them into our daily lives. A high calorie meal can be counter balanced the following day by relative abstinence and therefore, enjoyed with everyone else on the night. My brother, who calls my blog "your witterings", goes on holiday for example, knowing full well that he is most likely to gain about half a stone. He accepts this and acknowledges that it is the price he will pay for thoroughly enjoying every meal out, freely consuming good wine and snacking in a way that he wouldn't at home. When he gets home, however, he immediately gets "back on the horse" and works for the next few weeks to take the excess off. It commands discipline (which isn't my strong point) but does release you from any potential problems that may occur when socialising.

I do tend to offer to drive which, though may seem boring, does remove the chance to consume copious calories in the form of alcohol (although when younger I used to find significant amounts of vodka led to a fascinatingly flat stomach!). Although it is in my nature to home in on the nibbles, setting yourself on the opposite side of the room from the truly tempting ones is one solution. There is something about nibbles that is just so moreish and once you have one, another is inevitably going to follow - it must be because you are ready for dinner and peckish.

I am sure there is nothing more boring than someone twittering on about being on a diet (in fact, thinking about it, I have been wondering why all my friends have a kind of similar glazed expression at the moment - I thought it was a virus that I had been lucky to avoid but maybe......could it be...me...and my diet....blog..???).

So come on fellow dieters, let's get a note of realism into the proceedings. If you can avoid "forbidden fruits" without making anyone else feel awkward then do, but if you can't, don't beat yourself up about it. Don't clean up all the nibbles just because they're there and you haven't had any for weeks. Try not to eat all the chocolates on the plate (especially if you're a bit p**ssed). Do not ask for the plate of chocs/cheese etc to be passed to you - if it's sitting in front of you, you know you will not resist.

Lastly, the following morning, you can not have a fry up for breakfast just because you "broke" your diet the previous evening! You are not a failure and are still dieting.

A good week coming up, I feel.

E xx
PS. Nothing to do with dieting but, is it only me or can only women put loo rolls on the holder?

Good, it's shifting

2009-10-09T21:09:00.002+01:00

14st7lb. I stood on the scales five times - I had 2x14st7lb and 2x14st6lb. It was tempting just to opt for the 14st6lb (which did come up first, oh ye of little faith!) and decided to do a "best of five". So, I didn't quite make the target for this week but the detox has definitely helped.

Yes, I missed yesterday. I had planned to work all morning, clean at least a small part of this truly filthy house and then go for a walk with Lucy. I ended up doing the first two but then the garage phoned to say my car was ready for collection but would I like an oil change? I managed to get a lift to the garage to collect it - only to sit for one and a half hours for it to be actually ready to take. I hadn't grabbed a coat and so was chilled to the bone by the time I left. So, I missed walking the dog.

Food wise I have done really well for the last two days and haven't found it difficult. For lunch I made vegetable soup with onion, carrots, sweet potatoes, veg stock cube and then coriander added at the end. For supper, I bought everything I needed for a stir fry (onion, fresh ginger, broccoli, baby corn, mange toute, spinach, beansprouts, celery, prawns) and then decided to have the same for supper tonight as they are quite big packets and I would end up wasting too much. Anyway, it was very enjoyable and will be repeated. It makes such a colourful, attactive meal and is really filling. I haven't eaten meat for 3 days which I think is a first. I have been drinking water and lemon water and haven't had a single cup of tea.

The downside of this detox is that I had the most horrendous headache all day yesterday and a mildly nagging one today. Apparently this is normal. It's the lack of tea. It's not worth it and I have to confess to having made myself a cup to sit and write. It is perfect. I can't give it up and have therefore concluded that, what is the point of stopping now.

I wish I could say I felt fantastic. I don't. I ended up having "issues" with his nibs last night. I went to my monthly book group (I hadn't read the book for the second month running which was a little embarrassing) and when I got back, with the resident rotten headache, I said I was going for a bath. He instantly perks up and says, "Leave the water in, darling, and I'll follow you" with meaningful intonation. Sadly for him, a long, hot bath followed by an electric blanket heated bed only meant one thing for me - much needed sleep! Not a happy bunny!

The upshot of this mild altercation is I have concluded that he doesn't really like me dieting. He said yesterday that I have got my flat stomach now (less lumpy might be more acurate!) so why did I need to continue? The small matter of the shelf like backside which is still behind me, or simply the fact that I am still clinically obese? I know it irritates him when I sit down to eat a different meal (but I really can't slip toad in the hole with mashed potatoes & onion gravy into a detox, or indeed any, diet - I could do the vegetables but that wouldn't be entirely satisfying). Tonight he said that he is fully supportive of my dieting and has never said "I don't know why you bother, you'll never do it". Hummm, I don't recognize this support.

Anyway, I have decided to be a little less obvious about being on a diet. I am certainly not giving up. I am well back in the zone.

Big day at work tomorrow and then home to quickly degrease before going out to friends. She knows I'm trying hard so I'm hoping she has catered sympathetically. I'll offer to drive so that I don't need to make excuses not to drink. I will try to get on line but it could be doubtful.

Happy days!

E xx

Back in "the zone" - almost!

2009-10-07T15:50:00.004+01:00

No weigh in. I am saving myself for Friday by which time I will magically have shifted the 3lbs to take me to target for the week (14st 6lb).

I am officially back "in the zone", certainly in terms of eating and behaviour but I'm not quite there in terms of attitude. I woke up with little energy, forced myself out of bed and then forced sickly middle daughter into school uniform. She has already had two days off with a sore throat and chest infection and now just has a cold and cough which, lets face it, she could have until next April - the doctor said she shouldn't be off at all but I didn't have the heart to send her looking so poorly. Having said that, I did put her on the sofa at her Auntie B's whilst I went to work and she disturbed my frantic lunchtime rush to say that she couldn't get the Sky to work! How poorly???

Anyway, I had my planned homemade muesli with natural yoghurt and a mug of hot lemon water then left for work. I baked multiples of coffee cake, chocolate cake, Victoria sandwich, tangy lemon drizzle cake, gingerbread and flapjack - and I did not lick a single spoon, dip my finger in icing or eat any tasty morsels left in the tins. What an achievement! I had another mug of hot lemon water.

I then went to the local greengrocers and spent £16 on vegetables and fruit. I was feeling very sanctimonious at the till with a "look at my healthy trolley" kind of pride. It may be necessary to wear a label round my neck saying "DETOXING - beware flatulence!" - my partner always looks a little nervous when he sees a cauliflower being unpacked.

I rushed home, absolutely famished, to prepare our customised baked potatoes - his with butter, salt, sliced homebaked ham and a generous sprinkling of farmhouse mature Cheddar, grilled so that the cheese goes all gooey and bubbling; mine with half a tin of tuna in brine (drained) mixed with a couple of teaspoons of natural yoghurt, some sweetcorn and a good grind of black pepper. He had a cup of tea and I had.....another mug of hot lemon water. He had a piece of chocolate brownie and I cut up an orange.

After lunch I went for a walk with the dog. She could not believe her eyes when I picked up my walking boots - she was pirouetting, chasing her tail and running between the front door and me with all the pent up energy of a seriously neglected labrador. I wish I could report that I bounded across the meadows like a gazelle in spring - sadly, I plodded (quite briskly) round the route with all the enthusiasm of a knackered, old donkey on the beach at Blackpool. To make matters worse, the walk is a favourite of mine, involving quite a lot of uphill work through the woods for the first half but then the glorious sensation of having reached the summit and an easy descent for the second half. The problem was that I got to the top and started the downward section at the same time as all the ruddy hot lemon water decided to do the same! You have to understand at this point that I am just not an "outdoor wee" kind of girl. The thought of popping behind a wall (if I could get over it in the first place) is not appealing - I just know that the minute there was no turning back, the local farmer or the Cheshire branch of the Rambler's Association would appear over the brow of the hill. No, I would have to contain myself. I would have to remember all those pelvic floor exercises from pregnancy days ("your husband will appreciate them, dear!"). The fact that I can't easily recall them is perhaps testament to the fact that I don't think I have one any longer and I am divorced! Instead of enjoying the stunning views across the dale, I was repeating the mantra, "You are far too old to wet yourself". You will be relieved to know I did make it back home, thankfully not meeting anyone wanting to chat en route and have vowed that tomorrow I will not have anything to drink for at least two hours before the walk and will have a wee before I leave. Forward planning, dear!

This is where the attitude comes in - I am just too tired. However, I am determined and have achieved some of my targets today - I have drunk lemon water (4 glasses so I estimate another 3 to go - 2 litres recommended for detoxing); I have walked the dog and I have written this blog in the afternoon. I think the planned diet is a good idea and I feel back on track. Tennis tomorrow.

I have a salmon fillet with spinach ready for supper and a leg of lamb in the oven for the family - we are all sitting down together for a change.

Happily back to dieting (and absolutely no cabbage soup, I promise!).

Exx
Haven't checked out yesterday's website yet but will before my free trial expires.

Well, I did say Wednesday

2009-10-06T22:59:00.005+01:00

14st 9lb. I went downstairs this morning, got the scales out of the cupboard, stood in front of them and said (to myself), "this is not going to be good. You are going to have to lie". However, miracles of miracles, I had lost a pound. I even weighed twice to make sure. I just hope the deserved gain isn't saving itself for when I have been really good and have earned a loss.

Now I just have three pounds to go by Friday.

It is now Tuesday night and I was reading my promises to myself from 48hours ago. So far - I have not had a single mug of lemon water; haven't set foot out of the door with the dog; haven't played tennis at all (and Ben"therelentless"Smith has gone back to Leeds so I have no coach); I am more positive; I am still writing my blog late at night, could go to sleep on a clothes line in the day and the rest of the family will judge whether or not I'm grumpy.

So, only one out of five missions accomplished but there is time yet!

I have been researching following a diet and found an interesting website (http://www.weightlossresources.co.uk/) which lists all the major diets and gives reports on each. I am tempted to become a member as it looks really interesting, is cheaper than any diet club and has loads of advice. I've done a free 24 hour membership which enables you to see what the site has to offer so I'll do some proper investigating tomorrow and will report back.

On a positive note (I said I was more positive!) I have put together a very strict detox type diet for the next 7 days. It will be good for me and will catapult me back into form. I am sick of the blob that confronts me at the moment. It is severe but is loads of fruit, veg, pulses, seeds, yoghurt etc - prepare for flatulence! I will either be glowing and full of energy or utterly exhausted by the end of the week.

Tomorrow I am going to fulfil at least three of my targets.

E xx
PS In celebration of the fact that I am starting a serious detox programme tomorrow, I have polished off what was left of the cinema sweeties that somehow made it into my handbag (probably kindly intended for the children - what a waste!)

Encouraging day!

2009-10-05T23:13:00.002+01:00

No weigh in - tomorrow, but not holding any hope of a good one.

Had the most manically busy day at work today - I was expecting to be fairly busy but, wow, everyone wanted to eat with us! We got to the end feeling something like you must feel after an unexpected tornado. I decided to have some breakfast (2 Weetabix) before I left in the hope that I wouldn't be hungry and pick. It worked. I had a slice of roast pork on a side plate with a few mushy peas for lunch (at 3:30) and a chicken enchillada for supper.

Tonight I went to the cinema with a group of friends to see "Julie & Julia". It was lovely and has really encouraged me to carry on writing - not because I'm expecting a big book/film deal, but simply because someone may be reading who is enjoying what I am writing. I love the bit when she asks readers to comment so that she can know if anyone is out there - I know exactly how she felt! Anyway, it was a lovely film and an enjoyable evening.

As women do when en masse, we discussed life etc. One of them was discussing how all of her children seemed to gravitate to the bathroom whilst she was having a bath before coming out - why is that? Mine always decide that the moment I lower myself into a hot bath for a bit of peace and relaxation, is the exact moment they need to use the loo or have something that has to be discussed now. It turned out that the daughter was trying to sort out a Carol Vorderman programme for the Nintendo - some "diet and fitness" type thing. She was hoping for a major transformation by now but unfortunately hasn't so far got it to work. Time will tell.

Anyway, it got me thinking about my diet and lack of progress at the moment. The main problem isn't motivation, it's lack of time to think, plan, buy or cook. The mention of Carol Vorderman reminded me of her detox diet. I did a fortnight on it once years ago and felt good on it and lost weight. It came to me that, whilst I am really busy, (which is another 3/4 weeks) I should follow a set diet. That way the thinking is done for me. So, on Wednesday, I am going to sort one out to get me through this sticky period in dieting (I'm working tomorrow). I feel empowered for the first time in days and am feeling motivated again. I want to feel the energy and enthusiasm that I felt in those first couple of weeks.

I'll be fine tomorrow now. Happy again!

E xx

PS Yes, all those friends with me at the cinema, I will admit to eating some Liquorice Allsorts, more than a couple of Thorntons chocolate coated toffees and quite a number of Maltesers. Sorry folks, I'm only human and it was the cinema - at least I didn't buy Butterkist Popcorn!

What is it all about?

2009-10-04T22:31:00.003+01:00

No weigh in which is probably a good job. Sorry there was no blog yesterday but, by the time I got in it was after midnight, I was exhausted and went straight to bed.

I got up this morning and was in one of those, "What is it all for?" moods. I assume everyone gets them. My feet seem to barely touch the ground at the moment and I feel drained. If I was offered a croft in Scotland for a month, I would bite their hand off.

Having said that, I had a pleasant day yesterday. I went to work early to get some baking done for the next couple of days then I went, alone for a change, to Darlington to get my hair cut. I had the unfortunate experience with the Edward Scissorhands girl in Leeds a few weeks ago and since then, the situation has only got worse. I cracked on Friday and rang Saks to ask for an appointment with Trish - only to be told that she left 5 months ago. Deary me, it really is time for a cut. I was apparently in the hands of Richard. I asked him to transform me (tempting to push it and ask him to transform me into the stunning girl in the picture on the wall with beautiful hair and not wearing very much, but there are limits). Well, I had an hour and a half of pampering in very accomplished hands. I do believe each individual hair had specific attention. Even more amazingly, I was transformed - from a rather ragged sheepdog into a sleek, shiny, pleased-with-herself sophisticated pup (can't think of a suitable breed!). I went out for a meal with friends last night (no, I was not very good but it was very good) and got lots of "ooh, I love your hair" type of comments and felt happy as larry.

I woke up this morning looking like me, but with shorter hair. I doubt anyone will even notice I've had it cut. C'est la vie.

Anyway, today got off to a bad start, with me grovelling to a lovely chap for whom I cook meals as he wanted 80 for his freezer and I haven't got time to cook them for at least another fortnight. Then I looked at my emails and there was one from the lovely photographers saying they would be with me by 9am to finally nail the cover shot for the book. Zut alors, it was already 8:10! I ran upstairs and threw on some clothes; put a lemon drizzle cake, some fairy cakes and some chocolate brownies in the oven; drove at speed up to Hawes to grab a couple of cakes I made yesterday; came back and made a batch of scones, whipped some cream, made icing for the buns and lemon syrup for the cake; brewed a pot of coffee - just in time for them to walk in the door at 9.02am - fast work! We then spent the morning in Swaledale in the sunshine with a clear blue sky, where they took the most fantastic photograph possible and all seemed well with the world. I came back, grabbed a chicken sandwich and spent until 6pm at work preparing for tomorrows sale. I came back, ironed clothes for tomorrow, spoke to Mum who is feeling miserable in Cornwall as Gran is unwell...and then finally sat down to speak to my middle daughter for what seems like the first time in days.

I am always busy, always broke and never seem to have time for the children.

Which brings me to the subject of "working mother's breed overweight children" or some such rubbish that was in the news this week. Pile it on, why don't you? (the guilt, not the food on their plates) Apparently, we working mothers are so fraught that we ply our kids with junk food and then force them to watch hours of television because we haven't got time for them. I have to admit that life is easier now that I appear to be more of an embarrassment to them than a necessity. The last thing they want is a guilty mother cajoling them into a hearty walk together - they might at a push do a bike ride I suppose, but I am always afraid of blocking the traffic with my wide load. However, it is a number of days since we all sat down to dinner together and I seem to have barely seen them in days. I hate it when life is like this, especially when there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel until the main season finishes in November (then we start preparing for Christmas - oh God, help me!).

This week I have a number of promises to myself:
1) I am going to drink lemon water instead of tea at least twice a day
2) The dog is going for a good walk at least three times before Friday
3) I will play tennis at least twice
4) I will try to be more positive and stop being a misery
5) I will write my blog earlier in the evening/day so that I am not a tired, grumpy old cow!

Wish me luck. I have 4lbs to go before Friday - in fact, after the delicious dinner with red wine last night, I suspect it could be a record breaking 5!

A good week ahead I hope.

E xx

End of week 7

2009-10-02T19:10:00.001+01:00

14st 10lb. So, a 2lb gain this week. I am disappointed in myself and also worried that you must all be losing faith with me by now. Please don't - I'm as determined as ever and it's a blip.

After the disappointment of Wednesday, I had a really good day. I ate grapefruit for breakfast, a fruit salad for lunch (kiwi, orange & grapes) and salmon salad for dinner. Yesterday, during my 21 hours marathon at work, I ate the ends of a tea loaf, without butter at 6.30am; 2 pieces of toast with baked beans at 5.30pm then 2 pieces of toast with damson jam and a cup of tea at 2.30am when I got home. A friend suggested trying boiling water with fresh lemon squeezed into it. I am always concerned that I drink too much tea so I thought I would give it a try. Boiling water reminds me of school days at breakfast. For some reason I liked it - we had little melamine, pale green cups which gave the water a really distinctive smell and slightly sweet taste. So, yesterday, I had one cup of tea and then numerous cups of lemon water - I will keep it up as it is so much more pleasant than fruit teas. Hardly a nutritious day but not exactly calorific or naughty either!

We have been discussing how difficult it is to lose weight at work. One of my colleagues (who I call "the guru" because she knows everything about work at the Mart and is my right hand woman, but Ben calls "the terminator" because she is a machine that functions perfectly for hours on end without seeming to get tired!) suggested that I put weight on during these busy days when I work relentlessly without eating much, because I fry so much food that the fat is absorbed through my skin (I certainly smell as if I do - local dogs follow me up the street, sniffing as if I am edible). I quite like that theory, it makes me feel better!

I have just seen Stephen Fry on the television - he has lost so much weight and looks at least 10 years younger. He was asked what his motivation was for starting his diet - he replied that he didn't have one - he got a stomach bug and decided to carry on! Perfect.

I am really tired. Suffice to say, tomorrow is another day. This week I am going to do 4lb - 2lb for the gain from this week and 2lb for next week. I am going to exercise and enjoy healthy living.

More tomorrow.
E xx

Deary, Deary Me!

2009-09-30T11:53:00.003+01:00

14st 10lb. I woke up feeling like a Sumo wrestler this morning and instinctively knew the needle on the scales wasn't going to be kind. In fact, I was almost tempted to fib and pretend that I had forgotten to get on them at all.

However, I promised myself at the start of this project, that I was going to be honest and so it will continue. I must, at this point, apologise for my lack of blog for the past two days. It is certainly not lack of interest or that I am in any way "losing it", it is just that my work is so busy at the moment and I am so exhausted when I finally stumble through the door that writing is the last thing on my mind. I manage the cafe at the local Auction Mart and it is the time of year when they sell everything to do with sheep - fat lambs, gimmers, tups (boys), old ewes (like me, past their best). Thankfully, these huge days have been for gimmers which are going off to pastures new to breed - if I happen to leave the kitchen and a cattle wagon of bleeting sheep go past I can wave them off with the knowledge that they are not about to meet their maker. Since I absolutely love a succulent leg of lamb, studded with sprigs of fresh rosemary and cloves of garlic, I am hypocritical to get sentimental about the fate of the little fatties going straight to the abattoir! Anyway, tomorrow we have Leicester Tup day which is massive and will involve working from 5am in the morning to around 2am the following morning, if we're lucky. I will not be blogging!

So, finally I get to the little fact that I have gained 2lb since last Friday. I deserve to have done. I know myself very well and, as I have said before, when I am really busy and focussed on work, I don't even think to eat. However, the last two days at work have been very long but, after the main rush in the mornings, they can be quite steady. Then, I graze. I pinch little bits of food far too often - an end of scone, a small bowl of creamy rice pud with homemade jam and cream (twice), a sliver of blackcurrant cheese cake (4 times), a bowl of porridge with honey when I got home. There is a pattern you may notice - when I am tired (which believe me I am!) I only want sugar. Comfort. Energy. I don't think I am eating too much at all but, I bet if I added up the calories, it would be bigger than I think. Added to which, I am on my poor exhausted legs all day, but not actually exercising.

What's to do? To be honest, get through the big days as best I can and sort it out afterwards. After tomorrow, I have no more mamouth days until the end of October so I have no excuses. It worries me that I am not changing or beating these sugar cravings. My desire to eat naughty food is still there like a big fat demon, especially when my defenses are down.

There is alot of work to do. See you Friday.

E xx

PS I had a grapefruit for breakfast!
PPS There are so many topics in the papers this week for discussion - mind over matter, beat up working Mum's and pile on the guilt (AGAIN!) - we will talk later!

Serious Subject Sunday - addiction

2009-09-27T21:54:00.004+01:00

I have a confession to make. My mother will kill me when she reads this, but I have not resisted temptation today. I have been weak.

Firstly, I had a cup of tea in my hand at the same time as there happened to be a plate of flapjack in front of me. I can't even say it was a subconscious act to take the sticky, honeyed flapjack off the plate, dip it in my tea and lift the divine soggy mass to my mouth. No, I did it knowing full well it was naughty. Now, if it had stopped there, it wouldn't have been too bad - but it didn't. I knew I was going to be busy at work today so I had made a big pork pie for lunch to cheer my poorly partner up (he has "flu") and served it with mushy peas, creamy mashed potatoes and gravy. I put a little spoon of mash on my plate with lots of cauliflower, some peas and a little gravy and then, almost as an after thought, a very small piece of pie. Still not a hanging offence. However, for pud I had made chocolate sponge with chocolate custard and vanilla icecream. I had a banana......until everyone had left the table, I had done the washing up and made a cup of tea - then I had a lovely bowl of richly chocolately pudding with hot sauce poured over icecream. God, it was soooo GOOD! But really, really naughty. This afternoon I peeled and chopped 20kg of carrots as penance - and resisted a KitKat that was screaming at me from the shelves at work.

My halo is tarnished. I will try harder.

Anyway, it's Serious Subject Sunday today and this one has been on my mind for a while. I have heard a couple of items on the radio in the last couple of weeks that have made me consider how situations that, on the surface are totally different, have similarities. A couple of weeks ago there was an interview on the radio with a mature celebrity in which she was discussing her alcohol dependency. It was really interesting to listen to her discussing how, over the years, she had resolved on so many occasions to stop drinking and failed. She loathed herself during this time. A number of years ago now, I knew a young man who was sent to prison for drink driving. He was desperately unhappy about his inability to stop drinking even though he was aware that he was ruining his life. On the face of it he had the world at his feet - young, good looking, pleasant personality, good job but slowly he went from casual drinking to having a serious drink problem. At the time, I was about 15 stone and very unhappy. Every morning I resolved to take control. Virtually every morning I would fail. He was the same with his drinking. We had a number of discussions about getting our lives in order and being stronger.

Another discussion on the radio this week was about personal debt. There was a woman who had got into huge debt (hundreds of thousands of pounds) due to uncontrollable spending. She knew it was wrong and would promise herself not to do it anymore but then would go out in her lunch hour and spend thousands of pounds. All on credit. The buzz she got from spending would rarely last until she got back to work. Now I don't have a problem with spending - I haven't got any money and it wouldn't appeal to me to run up debt even if I could but, I do suffer from the same degree of lack of control, just in a different field.

Last Christmas, I had a major disagreement with our vicar, when she suggested that my determination to help someone battling an addiction problem was actually me trying to avoid addressing my own. I was furious - in my opinion I was just being a "good samaritan", as we are encouraged to be. However, when I thought about it, other than just being a good friend, I wanted to help make this person's life better, to boost her self esteem and try to make her see that she had a lot to live for. I could understand her inability to control her own addiction, only because of my inability to take control of my eating and consequent impact on my health. Although I am loathe to admit it, my vicar was in many respects, right.

The discussion on the radio basically said that many alcohol and drug related problems stem from low self esteem and lack of confidence as well as circumstance. Ignorance plays a big part in weight related issues but I am certain if you questioned overweight people, you would find that they all suffered from low self esteem and self image. The issues are the same. It's just that alcohol and drug abuse are less socially acceptable and destruction of health and well being are in most instances, more immediate. The main difference is perhaps that many weight related problems result in low self esteem whereas drug and alcohol problems are initiated by it. Anyway, I am batting way beyond my ability here but all I really mean is addiction whether it be to drugs, alcohol, gambling or food need to be treated with a degree of compassion and understanding and that the bull can only be taken by the horns by the person with the problem when they are ready.

Unfortunately I must go to bed as I need to be in work at 5am tomorrow. My peace has been shattered by my partner coming in from the pub and putting the life history of Abba on the television - "Waterloo" is not great for concentration!!

I doubt I'll make it tomorrow as I'll be at work until late tomorrow night.

Good week coming up!

E xx

Bouncing beetroot

2009-09-27T00:18:00.005+01:00

Not a weigh day. In fact, you may notice that this posting is after midnight as I have been at a party. I could even admit to kind of coming home earlier than I perhaps would have because I knew I hadn't written my blog - I am getting sad!

I short changed you yesterday. It was partly because I was absolutely shattered but partly as I could find no peace. My beloved was sitting next to me on the sofa, snivelling with a cold and eating whilst watching "Extreme Logging" or some equally irritatingly narrated programme - maybe Iceroad Truckers or Worlds Greatest Catch. Anyway, I couldn't concentrate at all.

Today has been pretty good and I have got most of what I set out to do, done. I am still without hot water (five days now) which is really annoying. The silt is building up around me and I just can't face cleaning by boiling kettles. I had yoghurt & muesli for breakfast whilst checking I still have a brain and doing yesterday's sudoku from the paper. I then went to work for a couple of hours. It has been a gloriously sunny, blue sky day which lifts your spirits (and dries the washing). I went to the farm to pick damsons and green beans and managed to snaffle some tomatoes on the vine while I was there. The sight of the damsons on the branches against the cloudless sky was just so perfect. I am going to make some jam and a good sized jar of damson gin. I am not going to make a pie with an irresistible sugary crust - sorry family, I can't risk it! The beans will blanch and go in the freezer.

When I got back, Ben"the relentless"Smith and Emily were lying in the sun on the front lawn. Haha, not doing anything. No excuses, you can put me through my paces at tennis. To give him credit, he didn't even try to get out of it. We played three sets in the sunshine and when I took the keys back, the guy suggested I see a doctor. I was a beetroot. Whatever my level of fitness, health, weight, it does not matter, I go bright red/purple with a white line around my hair line at the first sign of exertion. It is so embarrassing and stays with me for a couple of hours afterwards. However, contrary to the obvious evidence, Ben"bloody relentless"Smith said I was lazy today - lazy! I was absolutely knackered! At first, I thought he was goading me into being more aggressive but no, I think he really thought I was lazy. Christ, I was nearly knocking myself out with my own breasts, I was trying so hard. (If I am to take up this sport seriously, I am going to have to force myself to invest in a sports bra - I am in real danger of physical damage - wriggling puppies in a blanket as they were once described). I was useless and only took 3 games out of 3 sets but I was not lazy Benjamin!

I cooked chicken breast wrapped in pancetta with roasted tomatoes & broccoli for supper. The kids had pasta with theirs but I stuck with the chicken and vegetables. Then we had perfectly juicy mango (which I was loathed to share but was spotted taking it out of the fruit bowl - blast!).

I have just been to a party in the village hall, leaving the other half at home with "flu" - I drank soda water so have no guilts at all today. Got quite a few comments along the "have you been losing weight" lines, which was lovely. My two youngest daughters "took me in hand" to get me ready to go out - selecting my clothes, doing my hair and make up and generally bullying me along - I think they know more about applying make up than I do! There is a little note book on the home screen on my computer and one of them has left a message saying "My Mummy is beautiful x". God, I am lucky.

Serious Subject Sunday tomorrow (later today!). Addiction.

Happy dieting
E xx

One down, three to go!

2009-09-25T20:24:00.003+01:00

14st 8lb. Good. That's a stone since I started six weeks ago. I am 25% of the way there.

A stone. 14lbs. 7 bags of sugar. 28 blocks of lard. 100 Mars Bars. I like lard best as it's so graphic - I imagine it being liposuctioned off my thighs and backside!

It may seem slow progress but if I can carry on at the same pace, it will mean achieving my target of 4 stone on 29th January 2010 - I can live with that! The most positive thing I can say though, is that even if it had only been 6lb, it would have been 6lb less than it would have been if I hadn't started at all (or even more, as I would probably have added another pound by now!). It really doesn't matter how long it takes, although it is frustrating if loss is steady.
For me, it is 22lb since the beginning of the year and, more importantly, it shows. I feel so much better.

I am setting myself a 4 stone target. I know I can do it as I have done it before (4 years ago). At that time, I never imagined getting any where near that. I remember catching sight of myself going out one night and doing a double take - I was amazed that the woman in the mirror was me. I want that feeling again. I will have it.

E xx

Moody cow!

2009-09-24T22:42:00.004+01:00

Today I have been smiling politely through gritted teeth for what seems like most of the day. We got off to a bad start as no body had any knickers - in my defense, I have had no water since Monday and am behind with the washing. I despatched a cross 12 year old to school in a pair of tight aged 10 pants, mumbling moodily that "if you ever put them in the laundry basket instead of leaving them to decorate the bedroom floor....etc, etc...." and I am wearing the aforementioned so-called control pants which are grossly uncomfortable, constrict and ooze - safer than commando on a windy day though.

I was looking forward to today. I was planning on ironing until 10am (achieved), then tennis club (only I turned up as it was drizzling and obviously no one else so desperate for exercise that they will play tennis in the rain); finish proof reading book (achieved); send it off to publishers (achieved); ring insurers about mending stone chip in windscreen (achieved); long walk with dog (rather short really but I did jog part of it - very small part when sure no one was around - thought lungs were going to explode); 3 loads of washing to dry at laundrette (achieved); parents evening for eldest (achieved, although hardly satisfactorily) and finally nephew's first birthday party without eating anything forbidden (ACHIEVED!!).

I have eaten 2 Weetabix with hot skimmed milk (need for warm food usually spells need for nurture, therefore sensitive mood on the horizon); smoked mackerel, tomato and piece of toast for lunch; two fresh figs; a packet of revolting Weight Watchers cheesy puffs before party (I was really hungry and sensed danger); a bowl of Ready Break with hot skimmed milk and muesli stirred in for supper (by the time I got in, I was knackered, hungry and everyone else had eaten - it was just easy).

So, I achieved more or less all I set out to do and have eaten well for my diet (although not exactly nutritionally) - so why have I been a moody cow all day? I am tired (always!), cross because the bloody boiler is still not working (no hot water since Monday), the house is a tip (but it often is), I need a new windscreen as the stone chip is too old and in the line of vision and is going to cost £60 which I will have to scrape together from somewhere...and I guess I just woke up that way.

Must remember, right side of bed tomorrow. Day for the scales - feeling positive. There are enough clean knickers in this house to fit up the whole village - tomorrow will be a better day!

E xx

Not an angel!

2009-09-23T22:17:00.004+01:00

It started well. Natural, low fat yoghurt with a teaspoon of honey and a sprinkle of muesli. Then I was baking (6 large cakes with icing) and my finger worked it's way from the mixing bowl to my mouth with rather more frequency than the diet demands. Then I got shunted off the road by a van which was being driven far too fast for little country road and, by the time I had exchanged details, I was going to be late for a funeral so I rushed in, grabbed 2 pieces of seedy bread and spread them with cream cheese and piccallili, got changed, rushed out and made it to the church just in time, but with indigestion. Did well at the tea as only had mineral water and a triangle of ham sandwich. When I got home I had to feed the girls in a hurry so made a pasta bake with tomatoes, sweetcorn and a bit of chorizo sausage that was left in the fridge and a sprinkling of cheese. Then, for no other reason than....1) the boiler still isn't fixed so a) the kitchen is in turmoil b)the sitting room is in turmoil as it's full of everything out of the kitchen c) there is no chance of any hot water, therefore no bath again 2) the funeral couldn't have been more beautiful but they are by nature, emotionally draining and 3) I just did.....I ate two chocolate digestives that were left in the packet I left out for the plumbers and a large piece of Emily's birthday cake - a particularly sickly, gorgeous confection of sponge, jam, butter icing with white fondant icing and loads of love hearts sweets. The latter of course, was actually eaten in about 10 small pieces with me kidding myself that I was only having a taster - 10 times!

Also, having bumped my car, I proceeded to eat all the painstakingly grown nails off my left hand - not calorific in any way but bloody annoying in every way! Now I can't decide whether to just go for it and thoroughly enjoy biting all the nails off my right hand or try re-growing the ones on my left. What a dilemma! I wonder if nail biting (which I have done automatically since I got teeth and really annoys me) is in any way connected with subconsciously transferring food to mouth, therefore, being over weight - we need a survey!

Anyway, the upshot of it is that I am disappointed in myself. Tomorrow I am playing tennis at 10am and then cleaning this filthy house (if I get hot water back on), proof reading and taking the dog on a route march walk. Thankfully, I'm not weighing myself until Friday so there's time to vindicate myself.

Sorry folks, but I'm only human!

E xx

My baby is 18 today!

2009-09-22T22:26:00.003+01:00

14st 9lb. Single figures - it did look good. I was really chuffed. Unfortunately feeling under the weather with stinking headache most of the day and I am whacked.

Felt inspired by the comment left after yesterday's blog (you might think I inspire you, but, I can assure you, it really cheers me along when I know someone appreciates my ramblings and leaves a comment - do feel free to suggest topics of conversation or interest) and ate the last grapefruit for breakfast. I was really hungry all morning at work but had a small ham salad for lunch and didn't pinch so much as a single chip out of the fryer. Tonight was a different story as I went out of dinner with my three gorgeous girls and Emily's boyfriend, Ben (of Relentless fame). I had a thai style clam dish as a starter. It was excellent and I left the delicious looking bread at the other end of the table, didn't eat so much as a crumb and ate with a fork not a spoon so left the creamy, spicy sauce in the bowl. Good start. I then had a fresh seared tuna salad with tomatoes, caramelised onions and parmesan. Superb. Then I whipped a chip off my daughter's plate (a huge, big, fat, hand cut, fluffy perfect chip), got a shaking head in disbelief from Ben (living up to his name) so halved it and dipped it in her pea puree (it was a posh place - they don't do mushies!). Then I had a filter coffee (I've given up Latte's) and unfortunately a hand made chocolate truffle (oh, come on...relent!). All in all, not bad I felt.

I had been contemplating during the day, bringing up the subject of daughter's birthday. Then, towards the end of the meal, sensitive middle daughter piped up with, "So Mum, what does it feel like to be so old that you've got an 18 year old daughter". What! I wasn't going to put it quite like that! However, she is barking up the right tree. It's not so much that I feel so old that I've got an 18 year old, it's whether I feel old enough. I have looked at her in wonderment from the day she was born. She was a beautiful baby (all big eyes and lots of black hair) and is a stunner now (not putting myself down for once, but she really is nothing like me!). She has always been intelligent, competent, fiercely independent and so messy that her room resembles a skip awaiting collection. But now she's legally an adult. She's setting out into unchartered waters without me. I still haven't worked out what I want to do with my life and now we're discussing what she wants to do with hers!

I remember being 18 as if it were yesterday. I loved that age - you could test being grown up (and thought you knew everything) but you were easily forgiven for any mistakes because you were still young. I still regularly see two friends from my school days and, to me, we really are no different. We are all still totally identifiable on school photos (I'm 6 stone heavier but inside I'm still the same). I keep expecting someone (anyone?) to say, "Gosh, I can't believe you have a daughter of 18". But they never do. On the inside I feel too young but on the outside I'm 44 years old and of course perfectly old enough.

So, what does it feel like? To walk into a lovely restaurant with three lovely, healthy, confident girls? Like the proudest mother on earth. Like a happy, plumped up mother hen with the three fluffiest chicks in the farmyard! I can't give you material things, my lovely girls but I hope I give you the confidence that comes from knowing you are loved, cherished and admired.

Happy Birthday, eldest chick. You make me very happy.

E xx

Body shape

2009-09-21T21:46:00.003+01:00

Not a weigh in day - this is the first time since I started this exercise that I will actually have lasted 3 days without hopping on the scales (and then off, on again, off, a little kick, on again - give up!) Tomorrow is the day for the scales and I am hopeful of another pound off - I have been enjoying my diet and being sensible. Today, I skipped the grapefruit and ended up with a piece of seedy toast (it had seeds in, not that it was a regular in strip joints) as I was late for work. For lunch I had a chopped up tomato with a boiled egg and for supper, again in a hurry, I had a slice of bread with cherry tomatoes, cucumber, prawns and peppered smoked mackerel. We shall see.

After yesterday's discussion (if it could be described as that) I thought I'd look up body shape on the internet. Apple, hourglass, skittle, vase, cornet, lollipop, column, bell, cornet, cello, pear, brick - the twelve different body shapes as defined by Trinny & Susannah. I remember their programmes and they always rattled on about underwear - I am inclined to agree. Even though I am a large peary cello I think, I look so much better without lumps and bumps - there are so many that I could have a new mountain range named after me! I was always a great fan of those tum and bum tights from a well known department store - but I do get fed up of spending a fiver on a pair of tights and then sticking my finger through them first time on in the effort to force them up and over the bulk. Once in place however, they do give a smooth line. Unlike control pants. I have succumbed and purchased them on a number of occasions offering various solutions. They are all in the drawer, having been worn once. The theory of course, is that they hold it all in and flatten bumps - in my experience, they just push it all elsewhere. The last ones I bought certainly slimmed my hips - but my thighs literally jumped out from the bottom of the pants with a 2" solid ledge at either side. I once saw a sketch in which I think Jennifer Saunders put on various "slimming garments" - each to slim out the one before - ending up with an enormous chin and cheeks. Every woman who has ever bought a pair, can relate to her. They always give me stomach ache too - it must be the crushed organs!

Anyway, according to Trinny & Susannah, the lollipop is "sex on a stick, the female equivalent of the ferrari". God forbid, you should be a brick! With a name like that, you're never going to feel like a siren are you?

Work tomorrow. Busy day. Eldest daughter's 18th birthday - going to a gorgeous restaurant for supper (lots of fish though so I could be good!)

E xx

Not feeling serious

2009-09-20T22:14:00.003+01:00

Sorry folks, I know it's Serious Subject Sunday but I think I jumped the gun and did the serious subject on Saturday - two doses of my lectures in two days may just be too much to handle.

It has been a fantastic day up here in Wensleydale.

I remember in the early days of our relationship, when my partner was still trying to woo me, I was away on business for five days at a food show. It was March and had rained and even snowed the whole time I was away. On my last morning, I woke to glorious sunshine, as did he back home. I was sitting having breakfast when my phone pipped to tell me I had a message - it read, "Wall ter wall sunshine here - must be coz yer comin home!"

I fell in love on the spot.

Anyway, today was a similar day - not a cloud in the sky and that lovely crisp air that heralds the arrival of the Autumn. I went to church, put the washing on the line, cooked a roast chicken lunch (and a dark chocolate mousse for pud which I didn't even taste!) and then we decided to drive over to Swaledale and look for suitable views for the cover photo for my book. It is my favourite Dale - all sweeping, lonely, heather clad moors on top of a patchwork of dry stone walled pastures and nestling villages.

The love of the man is never in doubt but the romancing is questionable.

He started well, having taken me down a short cut which involved bouncing over very rough tracks (references to free Slendertone) and opening gates. As I opened the first, I had to lean over to uncatch the hook. "Bye, that's a fine sight!" he shouts out of the window. Not bad so far.

Next, he wants to show me a barn that's for sale, right up on a hill side, with no access, no water and no electricity. Stunning views and it does have a chimney as was once, a very long time ago, a house. It is tiny and a) I would feel like the old woman that lived in a shoe (where would I put the girls?) and b) by the time we could afford to do it up, even if planning permission was obtainable, I would look like the aforementioned old woman! I am fantasising about keeping hens, pigs, having a veggie patch, reading, writing....I'm already there. He interrupts my tranquil, happy thoughts and we have the following conversation (we are very deep and meaningful in our house!):
"It was built for you, this house".
"Why?" I respond.
"It's called Pear House - you're a classic pear."
"I'm not a pear!"
"You look like a pear to me - well, a pear with boobs."
"That makes me an hour glass, thank you very much!"
"Don't get me started on that again!" (ref. Day 7, End of week 1)

So, I'm a pear with boobs. Is this a compliment? He certainly seemed to think so. He is worrying that most of my weight is going from my ample bosom - in fact, I think he's worrying that it's going at all. He made the rash promise at the beginning of the year, when I was a very sturdy, safe 16st 2lb, that he would "marry me when he could carry me."
I'm sure he seems to be walking with a bit of a stoop and making increasingly frequent references to his bad back.......

He's the best.

E xx

PS Ref Advoco's comment - yes, up to date photos would be a good idea. Even the thought of having to pose in a leotard is enough to send me for the nearest cream cake - there is only so much public humiliation one woman can take!

Put it all in perspective

2009-09-19T20:04:00.008+01:00

14st 10lb. Good news and I am very happy - 12lbs off now which is great and I know I am going to carry on and live a healthier life. After the grapefruit got me off to such a flying start yesterday, I decided to carry on and have a meat free, veggie-packed day. For lunch I had a boiled egg and some yoghurt, then for supper a very little baked potato with ratatouille & red cabbage. I didn't get round to playing tennis but have managed a couple of sets today. Since the grapefruit was still in the fridge, I decided to let it work its magic today as well - I have enough for tomorrow and then time will tell as to whether or not I ever peel another one. If it continues to have such positive effect, I may be tempted to train my taste buds.

Two things happened today which made me reflective (and sorry, it's not even Serious Subject Sunday!). Firstly, I went in to work, not to do any as such, just to use the kitchen as it is so much bigger for preparation than my own (if ever I make my millions, I want a kitchen like my friend Bev's - the centre island, complete with Aga, is bigger than my whole kitchen). I needed some veg from the wholesale greengrocers on the industrial estate and when coming out I noticed that my old business unit has become Kudu Bikes more or less overnight (great young entrepreneurial couple run it - well worth a look for anything from kid's first bike to real, top of the range mountain bikes - not that I'm a regular except for the girls' birthdays! http://www.kudubikes.co.uk/). They started up in a little unit next door to mine at approximately the same time and have steadily expanded. I am really pleased for them but it did bring back some difficult memories of the time I went bust. Every day, you read in the papers about the number of businesses going into administration and my heart aches for them - the feeling of utter misery and dejection is so debilitating. Losing everything you have ever worked for is devastating but, on a more positive note, you must get over it and realise that, although life may be totally different, it is still life and can still be so fulfilling.

The other thing follows on from the above. Today is the "Grand Auction" for the "Running for Helen" campaign, raising money for Marie Curie and I was pleased to be asked to help with supplying some of the food and helping with the preparations. Helen is a 42 year old mother and an inspiration to us all. She has terminal cancer which she has been "fighting" for over 5 years now. She has survived well past her initial prognosis and continues, with her husband, Gary, to fund raise tirelessly and put cancer care into the public consciousness. Gary is running the New York Marathon in October with 16 colleagues and friends and they are hoping to raise £500K for Marie Curie. Cancer is a cruel, indiscriminate disease that affects us all, as I have mentioned before - when my lovely sister died of it at the age of 21, on the cusp of what I am certain would have been a full life, I promised not to get to 70 and look back with regret at things I had or had not done. Seeing Helen today, so full of enthusiasm for the coming event, made me wonder if I have been fulfilling my promise lately. I felt truly humbled.

We are so fortunate to have the opportunity and freedom to take control of something that is affecting our health. I hope that tonight's event is a sell out success and that Helen and Gary feel the pride and sense of fulfilment that they deserve. (www.justgiving.com/running-for-Helen)

Serious Subject Sunday tomorrow!

E xx

Shrink in horror!

2009-09-18T08:25:00.003+01:00

14st 12lb. Well this one could be debated as the scales said 14st 11lb first and then 14st 12 twice afterwards - I decided to go with the best of three and save any definite loss for another day. My middle daughter was with me and couldn't believe my restraint. I think one of the morals of the story is to invest in some scales that weigh accurately and won't vary everytime you stand on them.

On a positive note, my lovely photographers said yesterday that I was definitely looking slimmer and healthier than two weeks ago - result! In answer to your comments, don't worry Jen, no intention of falling off the wagon. Shame on you Advoco for suggesting Bacardi Breezers and pork scratchings - it would have to be Bailey's and chocolate brownies! Liked your article on ehow - sensible advice, thanks.

I have done something very unusual. I have voluntarily eaten grapefruit for breakfast. To say this is a rarity is an understatement. I see grapefruit on the shelves and it screams "you are on a diet, podge, eat me!". I ignore it. I hate them. Who wants to eat a fruit that makes you purse your mouth like a dog's bottom - I'm not a pretty sight at the best of times at the breakfast table. I have visions of my father, who professes to love grapefruit, standing in the kitchen, looking as if he is swallowing a wasp. No, for me it's the comfort of warm Weetabix, porridge or natural yoghurt with muesli. I love breakfast and couldn't skip it (unless I'm very wired and need to be off to work) - I was born at 7.30am, just in time for breakfast, and I think it's had a profound influence on my eating habits. I would be the perfect advert for the "Kelloggs Challenge" where two meals a day are cereal - if I didn't eat my normal excess of food as well.

Well, yesterday I had to make a citrus salad for a photograph for the cook book - it was a combination of white and pink grapefruit, oranges and fresh mint. It looked gorgeous all juicy and inviting in the morning sun - "get up and zing with a citrus salad" (I don't actually say that).
Anyway, it seemed a shame to waste all that preparation so I decided to be virtuous (and I was feeling a little stodgy after yesterday's little pickings) and have some for breakfast. As it took the inner lining off my mouth, I swallowed it and....my stomach is instantly flatter and I've lost 10inches off my waist. It's the shock of the sour - everything shrinks in horror. It's great! I'm going to retrain my taste buds to have this experience at least 3 times a week! I will be skinny in no time. And I'm going to play tennis today - oh the virtue, the halo is gleaming, I am light as air!

Look out tomorrow as I am sure this is going to be the day when the scales finally realise they have been ignoring my efforts (then I'm going back to twice a week weigh in again).

Happy days! xx

That's better!

2009-09-17T21:02:00.003+01:00

14st 12lb. I know, I said I wouldn't weigh myself daily but I was so livid yesterday that I decided to go for it this morning - glad I did as I am now back where I was last weekend (which is irritating but rather better than yesterday!).

I was telling my mother about my problem with the scales. She is in Cornwall at the moment looking after my Granny. I would say that a lot of my insecurities with my size stem from my Mum. She is, in my opinion, a very attractive, incredibly capable woman with a wicked sense of humour. However, she was born a 10lb baby and carried on as a relatively big child (although not really by today's standards) and she was always a statuesque woman. Her mother on the other hand, was a very pretty, petite woman whom men adored (none more so than my Grandpa) and Mum has major issues of disappointment and inadequacy with regards to my Granny. She has lost and regained 5 stone on at least 3 occasions and I have never known her have any self confidence where her looks are concerned - she excels even more than me at the art of self deprecation and always rejects compliments.

Anyway, she is currently on a very determined diet and, like myself, she plans to stay healthier for the rest of her life (we both have a fear of ending our days on top of 6 sweating, puce men saying "one, two, three, brace yourselves boys, she was a big lass!"). She has lost loads of weight and is so much more fit as a result. Yesterday she was in Boots and decided to take the plunge and get weighed. She put her money in the slot and stepped on. The machine immediately said in a fairly loud voice (in a fairly small store), "stand with your feet straight and pointing forward". She was so alarmed and filled with fear that the machine was about to announce her weight to the entire shop so she bent forward to squint at the instructions. The machine chose that moment to take her height (she didn't realise it did) and then her weight. She said she had never experienced such relief as when the machine quietly dispensed a little piece of paper and her dignity was intact. When she read the verdict it said she was an obese 5ft 4ins - she's actually 5ft 7ins (used to be 5ft 9 but she's shrinking) and was filled with indignation. I did laugh!

As for me, busy day with loads of cooking of far too tempting delicious food - I have eaten yoghurt & muesli for breakfast; watercress soup with a bit of homemade bread for lunch; ratatouille, spiced red cabbage & a bit of dauphinoise potatoes for supper - and far too many walnuts, morsels of brownie conveniently stuck to the parchment paper, tea loaf (did feel guilty and threw some to the ducks - we were photographing at Lake Semerwater). All in all, not a great day as I am sure I have nibbled more morsels than I would like to admit to. Feeling a little bloated.

Will be better tomorrow. Promise.

E xx

Right, that's it!

2009-09-16T15:56:00.005+01:00

15st 0lb. In the words of Victor Meldrew, "I don't believe it!"

I hobbled down the stairs this morning (wincing from the pain of my aching muscles) singing, "you are about to be very happy" and then STOOD ON THE SCALES!!!! 2lb ON. WHAT THE HELL???? I nudged the scales round the room 4 times and once managed to get it to 14st 12lb but I was nearly falling over through leaning back and decided it didn't count. I was going to have to admit it to you all and accept my fury. I am now back where I was on the 1st of September - 2 weeks ago. It is incomprehensible. I even said a prayer before I got on the scales - in fact, I am beginning to wonder if it is Him getting his own back and letting me know that He is not in fact running a weight loss club, He is there for much greater, more important matters. Let us not be in any doubt, God, THIS MATTERS!!!!!

I shall recount the last two days to you and see if you think any of this is right. On Monday morning the alarm went off at 4.30am and I was at work by 5am, having not had any breakfast (I am always on my nerves at the start of these days as so much depends upon them going well and it is ultimately my responsibility to ensure that they do). I made 10 dozen scones, lit the fire, put out some tables and chairs and got started on breakfast prepping. By 7am, I could grab a cup of tea and by 7.30am breakfast was in full swing. During the course of the day, I grabbed glasses of water to keep me hydrated and didn't look up from the counter for the next 7 hours. At 3pm I took a quick break to go to the bank, taking a beef & horseradish roll with me. When I finally got home at 11pm having been on my feet and cooking all day, I ate two Weetabixes with hot skimmed milk and a sprinkle of sugar. I went to bed and slept like a baby (albeit, a baby with very sore feet and aching legs) until 4.30am on Tuesday, when the day repeated itself although I had an egg & cress roll instead of beef. Exciting. Now, during the course of the day, I will have eaten little morsels of food which, if stuck together may add up to one piece of cake or scone but absolutely no more. I even took a fork of cheesecake at one point and threw it in the bin as the little angel on my shoulder screeched that it was a waste of calories.

So, 2 days, four Weetabixes, two filled rolls and a slice of cheesecake equivalent. AND A 2LB GAIN IN WEIGHT. Where is the justice in that? Now before you go saying, "she's not eating enought to burn fat, her body is in starvation mode", that is rubbish. There is nothing starving or anything else about this body. The deprived people in the aid camps of Africa are starving. My partner, bless him, suggested that the scales are wrong. I pointed out that if he or one of the children stepped on them, it wouldn't say they were 15 stone. They are not the best scales in the world but they are in the region of the right weight. Also, don't go saying that I must have sub consciously pinched alot more than one piece of cheesecake - no I did not! Not one single chips out of over 100 large bags, passed my lips I can assure you.

The only good thing is that I feel slimmer. I look better (although knackered today) and my skin is a better tone. My jeans can now be removed without undoing them (not a party trick for the general public) and generally my clothes are more comfortable.

I am fully expecting that any day now, the scales are going to suddenly show a great big loss and, if they could speak, they would say, "I am so sorry, Podge, I've been forgetting to deduct your weight for weeks now, you are actually only 14st 3lbs. I hope I haven't put you off your stroke!" What do you think are the chances?

Anyway, my first inclination this morning was "Right, that really is it, I've had enough". That's it. What is? What am I going to do? Start eating too much of a good (and bad) thing again and put back the little progress I have made?

No, I decided to have a Weetabix and a cup of tea, go back to bed, put the electric blanket on and sort out some work stuff on the computer.

Tomorrow will come. It will come off when it's ready.

E xx

Do we ruin relationships with low self esteem?

2009-09-13T22:45:00.004+01:00

I am lying in bed with the laptop at the end of a very busy day. I have a little packet of chocolate buttons that I remembered were under the bed after I pinched one of the childrens' Easter eggs - the actual egg is long gone but the little packet (15 delicious buttons) were unopened and begging not to be forgotten any longer. I am eating them very slowly by melting each one individually on my tongue so that they last - and I don't feel at all guilty because I've earned them. An apple will not do the trick on this occasion.

Anyway, it's Serious Subject Sunday and I have been mulling this one over all week. I am divorced (twice actually but the first one was when I was still fairly slim and had relatively normal self esteem) and do feel, looking back, that my lack of self esteem certainly didn't help my second marriage. When we met I was about 11 stone and, by the time we separated about 8 years later, I was nearer 16 stone. It crept on with both of the children but ballooned, as I have said before, when we bought the shop.

In my experience, as weight creeps up, confidence dips (then nose dives) and slowly but surely, you are making excuses for not going for a walk/swimming/tennis and, more damagingly, you start to make excuses not to go out at night - it is so much easier to stay in watching the television (snacking) than it is to admit that you have nothing to wear or that nothing fits you anymore. Before you know where you are, you are doing less and less as a couple, which is a slippery slope.

My ex husband was always very positive about my appearance and figure - it was me that sneered at myself and put myself down. If he, or anyone for that matter, said I looked nice, I would make some self deprecating, cutting remark back - it must be quite soul destroying to have such negative responses all the time. Eventually I suppose they just stop bothering. I remember flying off the handle at my ex one night when I had said that I was starting yet another diet and this time it was really going to work and that I would appreciate his support. Probably the same evening, after a stressful, tiring day, I did my usual "Oh sod it" and got a slice of pudding from the shop (we lived above it). He carefully pointed out that what was the point of saying I was going on a diet if I was going to eat pudding. I was furious, tearful and hurt - all directed at him but really it was at myself.

The louder the anger, the closer the nerve they have hit.

Now don't get me wrong. I have friends whose partners are very judgemental when it comes to their size (I often think they should try a little look in the mirror to discover they aren't quite the young Adonis they once were either) and it infuriates me. If you are overweight, you do quite enough self flagellation without anyone else putting in their two penny's worth!

I just think that if you gain a few pounds, don't try squeezing into clothes that no longer fit but buy something in which you look as good as you can do and enjoy it becoming too big as you get back into your old clothes. Continue to go out and make an effort. You can't diet for anyone but yourself and, if you are not "in the zone" no amount of deprecation is going to kick start you but, it is no-one elses fault either so try not to take your own frustrations out on them.

Just a little note from my own experience. If it's a load of rubbish, just ignore it.

I am signing out for two days I'm afraid as I have two huge (18hours each) days at work tomorrow and Tuesday. I'll be back on Wednesday, hopefully with a bit more off the block.

E xx
PS Bev, you looked as lovely as ever on Thursday so concentrate on getting the back better and don't worry about the rest
PPS Friend of Bev's who loves the blog - thank you for your kind comments - unfortunately I pressed "delete" instead of "publish" - I was very grateful honestly!

The lure of a sick bug

2009-09-12T12:21:00.003+01:00

Had a great meal out last night but can't profess to have been particularly good in diet terms - not especially bad either though. As I said yesterday, it was a pre-ordered meal and I had selected grilled sardines - healthy and fiddly to eat - and then thai style chicken which I ate (not all of it, amazingly) which was very nice and best not to think about the calories. I resisted a pud - sat next to a woman who had Valrhona chocolate pannacotta with vanilla ice cream and tried very hard not to physically drool over her plate - God it looked good. I had a black coffee. I had had two very large glasses of chilled rose wine though, so the halo wasn't all together intact.

During the course of the evening gossip was rife (there were 14 women at the table) and, at one stage, conversation turned to a bloke in the next village who is looking really ill. It turns out that he has lost loads of weight in the past two weeks through an unusual sickness and diarrhoea bug he has contracted. My ears pricked up at the "lost loads of weight" bit and, instead of offering sympathy, I found myself thinking "Hum, where is this man? Will he do a spot of french kissing?" - purely for the purpose of a good couple of weeks with no need whatsoever for syrup of figs or sugar free sweets containing sorbitol (dreadful stomach ache but usually works). Then I realised that it just wasn't a good time to be so laid up as I am really busy at work - I experienced momentary disappointment. What is becoming of me?!!! The sad fact is, I wasn't the only one with similarly appalling brain function!

Back to reality today. Beautiful day warranting lovely walk later. Making parsnip and celeriac soup for tea, but skipping the accompanying cream. Washing blowing on the line. Children on a bike ride. The papers await. Um, life is good....

Serious Subject Sunday tomorrow - "Do we ruin our relationships with low self esteem?" Comments welcome.

Happy dieting,
E xx

Chipping off the block

2009-09-11T19:07:00.003+01:00

14st 12lb. Four weeks in and 10lb off - not exactly speedy but good solid progress.

I have this vision of me made of stone and someone chipping little bits off me with a chisel - so far they have worked a little off stomach (definitely flatter) and legs (definitely less fat - can't go so far as to say slimmer). Now if you could just start work on the enormous, very obvious, easy-to-work-on bottom in the middle, I would be very grateful. And they are more than welcome to take three or four pounds this week!

I am feeling buzzy and happy today and I can nearly take my jeans off without undoing them - I have been so impressed by this loss of inches that I have been threatening to do it all round Hawes - perish the thought!

I am off out for dinner any minute now (pre-ordered sardines and thai style chicken) so will be off any sec. Partner will not be thrilled if I come in merry at midnight and waste the good humour on blogging!

Back tomorrow with longer discussion.

E xx

Exercise is the future!

2009-09-10T23:15:00.004+01:00

Wot, no weight? Ha, ha, a day off (for getting on the scales, not being a very good girl!).

Well, I have a confession to make. Having avoided any form of sport at all costs, even as "skinny liz" when at school, I have discovered a passion for tennis. I have loved watching Wimbledon for many years, but watching is as far as it went. Admittedly, I have only played three times so far, but, I have a feeling this enthusiasm will stick. I went down to the tennis group this morning, on a gloriously sunny morning which has been incredibly rare this year, feeling full of the joys of spring (autumn?) but a little apprehensive that I was about to make a bit of a fool of myself. However, in for a penny, in for a pound and anyway, I've already gone so far down the road of self-humiliation, that a little further isn't going to harm. I need not have worried - they were very welcoming and I think that once I get over the habit of saying "whoops, sorry" everytime I make a mistake (frequently!), I will settle down and enjoy it. It really lifts your mood and I felt good all day.

I had book club at my house tonight. Due to the unseasonably delightful weather, I have been washing as if I run the neighbourhood laundry - never has the machine been in such constant demand. I am waiting for one load to dry on the line, just so I can put the next lot out. The downside of this is that I don't think there can be an item of clothing in a drawer in this house - there are piles of ruddy clothes everywhere, waiting to be put in drawers. I wonder if I am alone in having children who seem incapable of putting any of it away for me but always want the trousers/shirt etc off the bottom of the pile and get to them by tipping the rest of it over. I think they are sick of "I don't know why I bother" which is my daily refrain. However, I am feeling smug as everyone in this house is going to bed in clean, line-dried, ironed bedding tonight - is there a better smell? (bread fresh from the oven, cakes, roses, sweet peas....ok, there is, but it's right up there with the best!)

Trying to present a vaguely tidy front in a very small house with too many people in it is challenging, I can tell you. Providing food is never a problem for me but a tidy house is another matter - thankfully they are an accommodating lot. For food, I made homemade pizza and salad, followed by fresh fruit salad and yoghurt or cream. Pizza, I hear you cry! Yes but, if you make it yourself, you can control the amount of oil and salt going in and it need not be a bad treat at all (yes, I know it's bread but I haven't had any for ages). All in all, I've eaten too much pizza but otherwise not bad. Twice today I have been tempted to eat chocolate and twice, without too much arguing between the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other, I have resisted - result!

Friday tomorrow so I'll get on the scales. I do deserve a pound......

E xx

No need for details

2009-09-09T21:59:00.002+01:00

14st 13lb. Suffice to say, measures to alleviate my little problem, worked. I am now a fan of occasional doses of syrup of figs!

I have been in a miserable mood today - one of those, where am I going with my life kind of days. My back and leg are not in good shape and I am fretting about how I am going to get through the 18 hour days that are the lamb sales. As I still have at least 15/20 years left of my working life (and with my lack of pension provisions, probably significantly longer than that), it is about time I addressed what I both want to do and am able to do with my skills and where I live. It is now over 2 years since my business went into administration and my circumstances changed out of all recognition, and perhaps the time has come to shake myself abit.

Anyway, another reason for being a bit down in the dumps, is that I am fed up of how slowly I am progressing with my weight loss. If I wasn't blogging, motivated and "in the zone" I would have lost hope and given up by now. I have thought about this alot today and have decided that half of the problem is the fact that I am weighing myself every day. This is not a good tactic and is just making the road seem a very long one. In reality of course, a 2lb per week is a healthy one but daily it just seems as if I am not moving down. So, I have decided that I will carry on blogging every day but, I will weigh myself on Fridays and Tuesdays and see how we go.

Well, you will be pleased to know that I have been shaken out of my malaise. Ben, who is no longer relentless and now just Smith, is back and took me down to play tennis. The positive endorphins have flooded into my body and I am on a high! I love this form of exercise and am going to concentrate on it, alongside my walking. Fifteen minutes of tennis has me red and sweating in a way that a good hour and a half walk doesn't achieve (I played for over an hour, but was sweating within 15 minutes!). I have even taken the plunge and enquired about the tennis club. It meets twice a week and I can go along tomorrow morning. Apparently there is mixed ability so I pray that isn't the difference between used-to-play-for-Yorkshire and used-to-play-at-Wimbledon. Hopefully there is someone who is not too bad but not too good either! I am pleased with myself for taking a positive step and facing possible embarrassment, rather than just whining or making excuses. The thing that surprises me most is that standing still or sitting down causes great discomfort in my lower back but, playing tennis doesn't affect it. Why is this? Any ideas?

So, see you tomorrow but not with a weight report!

Cheers
E xx

Time to get personal

2009-09-08T22:01:00.003+01:00

14st 13lb. Again. I am trying so hard and do feel I could be losing a tiny bit faster. I am walking (even with a bad back and after a busy day at work), trying hard to drink water, eating sensibly (very), not cheating and can't remember the last time I had chocolate. More to the point, I don't even want any, which is amazing in it's own right! I think the most unjust thing about dieting, healthy eating, eating sensibly or whatever else you want to call it, is that you can be really good for a fortnight and lose 2/3lb, but I can guarantee that if I was really naughty for 2 days I would gain 2/3 lb minimum - where's the fairness in that?!

Anyway, I need to look at the issues here. Why is my weight loss so steady? Well, to get personal, I think it's constipation. If I sit doing Sudoku on our loo for any more protracted spells, I am sure I will either have a hernia, get piles or bring on a prolapse! I just don't understand it but I feel like a barrage balloon. I am eating veg and bran for fibre, avoiding bread (which is not as hard as I thought it would be) and I am drinking (I've resorted to red wine tonight). So, what's up? For lunch today, I had forgotten my soup, so ended up having a tablespoon of mushy peas with two tablespoons of baked beans. When I went on my quick march walk tonight, I barely needed to move my legs - I was propelled along like a hovercraft! I even had to do a longer circuit as I spied other people on my usual way back and I thought they would hear me. The upshot is that, in addition to beans and mushy peas, I have taken Syrup of Figs and a glass of red wine - if that doesn't "move" me, then I have no hope! Any other suggestions? (may I take this opportunity to say how much I love your comments - keep them coming!)

On a lighter note, I was listening to Radio 4's Today programme this morning and heard an interview with Arabella Weir and someone called Viv Groskop - I find Arabella Weir very funny and clever, but even she was fairly silenced by the incredibly arrogant, rude and misguided Viv. Arabella was talking about giving in to children and how her daughter has just gone to secondary school and had to have a purple protractor for maths, like all her friends. She was basically saying that she will give in on the little things but stand firm on the bigger issues. I am sure every parent in the country was shouting at the radio at Viv - surely every parent knows, never judge anyones parenting skills until you have gone passed that stage yourself. God I laughed and, uncharacteristically meanly, hope that Viv's little angel (aged 6) becomes a demanding, stroppy little sod!

Praying for movement!

E xx

I'm in the zone

2009-09-07T21:57:00.002+01:00

14st 13lb. I'm absolutely knackered - a busy day at work getting prepared for the start of the autumn lamb sales. Lots to do in the next week but I'm trying to pace myself so that I can make time for exercise - good walks and maybe even a game of tennis if Ben"relentless"Smith comes back. It is unfamiliar for me to make "me time" although I am beginning to see it's validity. I have always had a little guilty feeling that I am being selfish if I'm off doing stuff for myself, even if it is exercise.

Tonight I went blackberry picking. Big and juicy, bursting with flavour and wonderful aroma. Fingers bright purple from the juice (and scratched from the thorns!). I have mixed them with some apples from my Dad's orchard and am going to freeze it in batches for a delicious treat (just without the lashings of thick double cream!). I have had a good, healthy day's food - yoghurt and muesli for breakfast, my scotch broth style soup for lunch and then poached salmon with spinach and lemony cous cous. No naughties. I have even managed two glasses of water - halo shining!

Today I saw a friend who said I am looking well. She added that she feels useless at the moment as, however great her intentions, she just can't stick at a diet. I can genuinely sympathise as I have been there so many times and am bound to hit the wall again sometime soon. When I succeeded in losing weight four years ago and then started to put it back on, I would chastise myself on a daily basis for my lack of self discipline and my resolve was pathetic. I was so frustrated. However, when I successfully dieted last time and am feeling the same way now, nothing would have stopped me - I was what I now call "in the zone" - not permanently side tracked by extraneous matters (usually forbidden food!). Something has to light the fuse and I think you just need to start seeing a difference to feel inspired or motivated to continue. The problem comes when the loss seems so slow you think you might as well give up and eat what you want as all the effort isn't showing results. If you are not "in the zone" and doing it for yourself with no deadlines, it is unlikely you will succeed.

This blogging is keeping me in the zone and I am very grateful!

E xx

Serious Subject Sunday

2009-09-06T22:54:00.004+01:00

14st 13lb. I didn't get punished for the Chelsea bun. Thank you God. I promise never to see the dreaded 15st ever again. I will continue on a positive note.

This morning, I got up early (why is it when you can have a lie in, you need a wee at an unearthly hour and can't get back to sleep?). Anyway, I decided to put an order into a well known supermarket but couldn't remember my password (it is over 5 years since I last shopped on line) so I had to wait for them to email it to me. So I did a big pile of ironing while I waited, then put the order in, then made a large chocolate mousse and pasta salad for family party, then had quick shower and went to church to thank god for, among other far more relevant things, helping me stick to my diet (I wonder how many other worshippers are that shallow - surely peace in the world, end to famine etc are more pressing - I do go there too).

Well, while I was ironing I had the morning news on (sadly too early for my beloved Andrew Marr - what is it about him? The ears?). One of the discussions was about childhood obesity and how they are going to tackle it via schools. They brought up the subject of how children are now weighed and measured in school and a letter sent out to parents giving the results. This letter comes from the NHS PCT and is sent to the parent. However, you and I know what children are like - they chat between themselves and my daughter was asking me last week if I had had such a letter as her friends had. I denied all knowledge of it. The reason for this is that she is a very lovely 11 year old, who has changed out of all recognition in the past 6 months. She is by far the tallest in her year group, is fairly athletic and lean. However, the letter says in bold type across the middle that she is very overweight for her age and sex. She is actually 1lb into the very overweight category and I don't for the life of me know why. I have asked various friends (who would be blunt!) if they think she is and am met with a resounding "God no, she's perfect" - I am not "ostriching" on this one. She is already showing too much of an interest in her weight and gets the scales out with worrying frequency - at such a vulnerable age, when their bodies are changing and they are self conscious, I would hate to think of the psychological effect of her seeing that stark very overweight analysis of her body. She is as fit as a flea, always on the move and fits standard clothes for her age.
The paragraph underneath the analysis reads as follows:
"Being very overweight can affect your child's health. Children who are very overweight are more likely to develop diabetes and high blood pressure. As adults, they are more likely to have high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease and cancer. People who are very overweight are more likely to suffer poor health and die earlier than people who are a healthy weight."
Christ, if she read that she'd be half way to an eating disorder before you could throw out the biscuits! I think it is very poorly worded and badly thought out and, frankly, I was horrified.
It goes on to say that the leaflet enclosed gives tips to help your family eat well and be active.

However, what is to be done? I fully agree with the doctor discussing it this morning, that something has to be done as we are heading for an explosion of health problems in very young people. It is a massive challenge to tackle it without shattering the self esteem of those vulnerable children. Do you take the bull by the horns, tell the child they are too big and that they are endangering their future health. Do you highlight their problem and make them attend a "fat camp" style health club at school? My daughter would have been mortified. Would a direct telephone call to the parent be a better method, offering constructive support and advice, rather than a scare tactic letter and leaflet? Or am I just being horribly civilised?

It is about the same as going to the doctor's, being prescribed Orlistat and told to get a repeat prescription from reception when you need one - where is the specialist dietary advice, support and back up in that?

I don't envy the health professionals that have to address these issues but I have to admit to being blazing about the method employed with regards to children to date.

Happier blog tomorrow I promise!

E xx

Yes, Yes, Yes! (as they say in that stupid advert)

2009-09-05T17:04:00.005+01:00

14st 13lb! First time I have been in the 14's for over 2 years. Fantastic! To celebrate I went on a good long walk with the dog as I plan to motor a bit now.

I was in a mood with partner this morning (something to do with being woken by amorous partner at 6.30am resulting in snarling bitch response, resulting in stroppy rejected partner - say no more). The resulting foul mood is very good for diet - he was in kitchen so I couldn't go in to get breakfast (I am too polite and would have had to speak) so I cleaned the bathroom from top to bottom, put away the ironing, then hoovered and dusted the sitting room - all at break neck speed and working up a little sweat! This is good. Not that I recommend fury towards partner to force cleaning and tidying house (I tried sustained mood until lunchtime but cracked at miserable face - we are now friends).

I had the very best of intentions. I had to make Chelsea buns to double check the recipe for the book, so I did. They came out of the oven looking so utterly delectable and even more so once I drizzled them in icing glaze. Anyway, I gently tore one from the delicious little nest and put it on a plate for Bruce's pudding. The remaining seven, I gave to a friend who was round for coffee as her house is always brimming with children (hers, often mine and many others!). So far, so good. Then, while I was on my walk, my brother rang to say that he, his family and my Dad were watching another brother playing cricket at Middleham. No indication of whether they would be calling so I thought I'd better whip up another batch. I tore off one for my daughter and there was this tempting little morsel hanging off the one to the side of it - I ate it. In tearing a little morsel a rather larger strip ripped and then, as fast as I could (as if speed eating is less fattening) I stuffed the rest of it. The only saving grace is that I didn't follow it up with the remaining six. To top it off, they went straight back to Lincolnshire and didn't call after all. I am most disgruntled with myself. When will I learn restraint?

Anyway, all in all, discounting naughty warm Chelsea bun, I have had a good day. I am going to have a very good week. Tonight I had to laugh as someone said that I had lost so much weight that if I lost any more, I would disappear - like that's ever going to happen!

Family barbeque tomorrow - I'm driving so can't repeat last year's excessive consumption of wine resulting in room spin (car spin?) on the way home!

E xx

3 weeks over - 8lbs off

2009-09-04T21:03:00.002+01:00

15st 0lbs. Still. Sorry not to be dynamically shaving off a couple of pounds a day. However, tomorrow will be the day that I drop under 15st. I am confident. I can't wait to write 14st.....! We shall see.

My youngest daughter started secondary school today. She was her usual fairly matter of fact self and didn't seem phased. It helps that she has two big sisters in school and at least one cousin in each year group. As for me, where has that little dimpled dumpling gone? She was the smiliest baby with beautiful dimples on the top of both cheeks (which she still has) and a happy demeanor. She is now quite independent, very organised, bossy, opinionated......and absolutely delightful. I hope that she will continue to blossom. Patsy Thompson, a very lovely lady who used to work with me and sadly died a few years ago, said that you have to give your children roots and wings - roots to know where their home is and wings to fly as high as they want to. How wise and apt. What a responsibility. I tell my eldest that it feels like swimming through thick soup sometimes trying to guide and advise without stunting their natural growth and spirit of adventure.

On the diet front, I made the soup with pearl barley. I just did onions, carrots, a bit of swede, sweet potato, organic chicken stock cube, pearl barley, lots of black pepper and then added spinach at the end. I had roasted a leg of lamb yesterday for the photos so I chopped a bit up and added it to the pot. Rather tasty though I say it myself and very "meal in a bowl" satisfying.

I had a good long walk with the dog and kept up a good pace - walk through the pain of bad knee and back I kept chanting, walk through the pain. It worked at the time but now I am a bit slow to get going. However, nothing to stop me having a good walk tomorrow as well so I'll try a different route. I really need Ben"the relentless"Smith back for tennis coaching - coming up on Wednesday apparently so watch out Ben - podge needs you!

Failed miserably on the drinking water front - forgot that promise completely. Will try harder tomorrow.

Got middle daughter to take a photo today so that you (who don't know me) have an indication of what I look like. I thought I'd look smart for school visit and was feeling pretty pleased with myself when I set off. Trousers which hadn't fitted a month ago now fit comfortably and I had actually made the effort to blow dry my hair (rather than let it take control itself). All in all I felt confident for me. And then I saw the photo. The me I was imagining and looking down on, looked nothing like that! From where I look, my stomach is not too bad (admittedly I can't really see over my boobs). On my walk tonight, I estimated that I carry around 8st between my knees and my waist. I really do have the most enormous bottom.

It may take more than a few walks and bowls of soup to shift!

Here's hoping for a downward shift tomorrow (of weight, not my buttocks!)

E xx

Sticking is becoming a habit!

2009-09-03T22:46:00.004+01:00

15st 0lb. Again. It is coming off a little too steadily at the moment. Mind you, I suppose after yesterday I should be pleased with that.

I have been down in Ripon today preparing food for photography - the macaroni cheese was hard to resist so I must be tired - comfort food is the order of the day! However, I didn't have time for breakfast here so, when I stopped to shop for the shoot, I bought myself a punnet of raspberries and an Eat Natural nut bar - I am sure they are very high fat (mainly because they don't tell you the nutritionals!) but it is good fat and might help keep me regular! For lunch the lovely photographers had made an excellent, wholesome soup (and I didn't have any of the 3 different types of bread I had made) and then I had a mango, a yoghurt and a pack of tootie frooties for supper when I got back. Hmm. Not ideal nutritionally!

Anyway, I had a couple of hours peace in the car driving to and fro Ripon with no radio as it's broken. I have concluded that the slow progress of weight loss in the past fortnight is not really a problem with my food intake but more the fact that I am not moving. I have been on my feet for over 15 hours today but not once have I been even remotely out of breath. I am busy, busy, busy but not doing any exercise. I feel the urge to move! So, tomorrow will be the end of the first three weeks of my quest and the start of a more organised routine (not a good word - it just doesn't suit the rather haphazard person that is me!). The dog will be thrilled. My other issue could be that I am not a natural drinker (I have my moments!) and, other than mugs of tea (which I tend to make and then leave around the house) I don't drink. I will have a glass of water once a week at the most. I must make an effort to drink some water. Tomorrow I will leave a jug on the side and aim to drink it by the end of the day. Mind you, have I got time for frequent trips to the loo.....?

Tomorrow my baby girl starts secondary school. I will tell you how we go on.

E xx

I've got lost on the days now so we'll give up on that!

2009-09-02T21:47:00.003+01:00

15st 0lb. Well, they can certainly bake in Swaledale! I had to judge cheese, butter, brown and white bread, sponges, gingerbread, carrot cake, swiss roll, chocolate cake, queen cakes, fatless sponges - all multiplied by 10 or even 16! Unfortunately (for my diet) it is necessary to taste it all - admittedly a very small taster (although I could have eaten most of the winning carrot cake - what a cake!). Anyway, the upshot of the day was that it wasn't great for my diet but it was a fabulous day for the great British village show and the very best of country farming, craft and cookery. It really was a joy to see every age from the very tiniest baby dressed as a cow to support his slightly bigger brother in the fancy dress, to a wonderful old man judging the vintage tractors with genuine enthusiasm and love for the vehicles. The show perfectly illustrated the diversity and quality of skills still very much in evidence in the countryside today. Well done Muker.

So, all in all, a lovely day. If it means I have gone back up to 15st 1lb tomorrow I shall not be pleased but for the meantime I am quite content.

Now I've been nice, I'm going to have a little rant. Yesterday in the Daily Mail (I know,
I should know better) the headline was about how 40% of breast cancer could be prevented through living a better lifestyle. Apparently 40% of breast cancer sufferers have consumed too much alcohol, eaten too much food and not done enough exercise - I think that's more like 95% of the population. Yes, we are all aware that we could be living a healthier life (why am I doing this?), but, is it honestly helpful to add guilt that you could have done things differently to the distress, discomfort and uncertainty inflicted by this cruel disease? I hardly think so and hope that anyone enduring treatment now will not give what they have done in the past a second thought and just concentrate on looking to a long and healthy future to come. Rant over.

E xx

PS Thanks for all the encouraging comments - my progress may seem slow but chipping away slowly gets you through the tunnel! (I was watching Shawshank Redemption recently!)

Day 18 Thank God for that!

2009-09-01T22:24:00.003+01:00

15st 0lb. Hallelujah! I did it! It has spurred me on to be really good today in the hope of nipping under the 15st mark (well obviously not just today, but for the REST OF MY LIFE!).

Last night I had a lovely surprise in that a friend from school days (with whom I have kept in regular touch but haven't spoken to for a few months) phoned to say she had been reading my blog. Basically, reading between the lines, she couldn't believe how fat I am now and said I eat too much bread. She has a point. I said last week that I was going to cut down on my bread consumption but I haven't really. It's so convenient and if I'm in a hurry, it's the meal of choice. Anyway, I raided the bottom drawers of the fridge and made some soup - onions, sweet potato, butternut squash, carrots, fresh beetroot and added some tomatoes and red lentils as well as an organic veggie stock cube, some fresh thyme and loads of black pepper. I put a teaspoon of olive oil in to get the onions softened and then put the whole lot in together. I had it for lunch (without bread) and for supper. It is delicious and I must make more soups - the children love them for a start. I'm going to make a hearty one next with pearl barley - I'll keep you informed. So, I really am going to try to cut down on bread. In "Fat Girl Slim" by Ruth Watson, she has the same love of bread as I do. She got round it by having her dedicated bread day, once a month, when she could make and eat whatever bread she liked so that she could, in her words, "enjoy, indeed luxuriate, in the pleasure of eating something I adore without suffering any pangs of guilt or remorse". Sounds good to me!

Tomorrow I need help. I am judging the produce section at Muker Show and, apparently, they have lots of entries. Bread, sponge cake, fruit cake, fruit pies, scones - you name it, I have to try it....many times over! I wonder if they would provide a spit bucket like they do for wine? It will play havoc with my resolve - which is very resolved at the moment! I shall report how I got on.

E xx

PS Saw photo of Fern Britton getting out of the surf in a wet suit looking bloody good for over 50 and in such an unforgiving garment! Could never have a gastric band myself (too poor; too much of a whimp) but I really admire her for taking the bull by the horns and admitting that, although a very attractive fat woman, not a happy one, after all. Must have been hard work putting a brave, smiling face on it for all those years. Well done Fern.

Day 17 I'm considering a conspiracy theory!

2009-08-31T18:58:00.005+01:00

15st 1lb. It's getting worrying - I can't shift passed it. I think there is something wrong with the scales!

However, the positive thing is that through blogging (it is really just talking to myself masquerading as writing to someone) I am sticking with this diet through this little hiccup, whereas under normal circumstances, I would have been well back in the trough by now.

Having said that, angel isn't really applicable today, despite the very best of intentions. Firstly, I made scones for the village produce show tea (I got a FIRST with my roses - first time I've entered - chuffed to bits!). Anyway, I'd made raspberry jam as well and when one half of the hot, just-from-the-oven, scone fell to bite sized pieces via the pot of still-warm jam, I just had to eat it. I am really sorry but it was in my mouth before I could remember that it wasn't supposed to be there. On the plus side, I did make lemon drizzle cake too and didn't pinch a crumb. Progress!

To make matters worse, I was testing a new pastry for Cornish pasties tonight (for my cook book). My Granny (Cornish) remembered that you didn't put much butter in it and she thought there was a little suet so I thought I'd better make something up. It was perfect - flaky, crunchy and light as air - with succulent steak and vegetables within. I only had a REALLY LITTLE END BIT, I promise, but I had to try it as it was a prototype, genuinely warranting testing. My partner suggested that I could eat a whole one as surely a bit of meat and vegetables wasn't fattening - they might not be too bad, but the pastry! Sin city.

I'm kind of resigned to the inevitable weight tomorrow morning...but you never know!

Exx

Day 16 Not again!

2009-08-30T17:22:00.002+01:00

15st 1lb. Again! I have been playing with this weight since last Sunday and enough is enough! I am determined to move down tomorrow or certainly by Tuesday - and then never see 15st again for the rest of my life. It's a long time.
Anyway, I am feeling positive and alot better about myself. I have been on a walk with the dog - she is a little confused but absolutely delighted to be getting regular walks with me again (she goes out on the farm anyway). Glee just oozes from every energetic pore and she certainly makes it worth the effort. If only the sun would shine, it would make walks more tempting. The forecast is telling me that the coming week will bring a real taste of autumn - we've been tasting it all summer! I haven't needed to water the garden since June and haven't been to the river swimming with the children at all this year.
I have made my own muesli for breakfast - I have been eating Dorset cereal but, to be frank, I'm knackered by the time I've finished munching my way through a bowl and it's too expensive. I have used jumbo organic oats, normal oats, wholewheat bran, raisins, seeds, a bit of coconut left in the cupboard and some hazelnuts. Anyway, it's very nice and will go well with yoghurt and honey which I love.
There is a report in the Mail on Sunday today about the rise of a new model on the catwalk and how it heralds a new phase in realistic, voluptuous models - I read with interest expecting a new Sophie Dahl (before she sold out and went really thin) only to find she's a size 8! Voluptuous, my fat arse! Nigella Lawson is voluptuous, and certainly not a size 8.
Anyway, positive mood for the week ahead. Off out to dinner which is rare but nice. Must control myself!
E xx

Day 15 Sometimes life is so unfair!

2009-08-29T13:17:00.009+01:00

15st 2lb. I am thoroughly p**sed off! I hopped on the scales with the confidence of a well behaved dieting woman, expecting a 15st0lb at the very least. I have just spent 2 days in Leeds and been an angel!.
Diet diary for past 2 days (with no omissions - no emissions either actually so constipation could be the issue!).
Day 1.
6.30am Two Weetabix. Skimmed milk. 1/2 teaspoon of sugar. Cup of tea
10am On train. Coffee (not fattening Latte, just plain coffee with horrible little carton of so called milk)
1.45pm Eventually meet up with eldest daughter and boyfriend for lunch, by which time could have eaten small horse but settled for the baked potato with mixed bean topping and side salad (under 5% fat on the menu as healthy option). Drank water. Nicked minute bit of chocolate off daughters ice cream bombe.
6pm Cinema. Sucked 6 small jelly sweets - slowly.
8pm Spaghetti with garlic and tomato based seafood sauce. Glass of red wine.
Day 2.
9am buffet breakfast. fresh fruit salad with low fat yoghurt. 1 Weetabix with packet of Special K. 1 slice of wholemeal bread and honey. Cup of tea.
4.30pm Mediterranean salad with chicken. 2 chips. Large glass of red wine.
9pm Slice of toast with honey.
Could I have gone away for 2 days and eaten any better? I walked miles (perhaps should have jogged!) and watched my girls eat chips, sweet bagels, popcorn, BEN & JERRY's ICECREAM. I deserve to lose a stone on abstinence alone!
(the reason I ate so much breakfast, by the way, is that I told the girls to eat a big breakfast as we weren't going to eat until mid afternoon, before we got on the train home).
Anyway, feeling bloody irritated but back on the horse as they say.
So, back to 2 day trip to Leeds. Why is it that your children want you to be a cool Mum (although, God forbid that you say "cool" - I have no idea what the equivalent, acceptable description is) but that everything you do is an embarrassment to them? I have been faced with so many raised eyebrows and looks of distain, I can't count them. If they tried on a top and I said it looked "cool", it was off and back on the hanger quicker than I would have thought possible. Any dress I picked up thinking they would look cute (don't worry, even I wouldn't use that word to them) didn't even warrant a comment and their choices for themselves got a raised eyebrow from me (literally a raised eyebrow - I got disturbed when I had only finished plucking one eyebrow and forgot to go back and do the other - not that I am Dennis Healey you understand but I did have one more expressive side that's for sure!).
When I suggested that after supper we went back to the hotel for a facepack and nails evening with a film, it was greeted with enthusiasm "just as long as you don't try to turn it into something cheesey!" I have to say here, that my children are very affectionate, fun loving girls but, woe betide you if you so much as move a buttock to music - you are just sooooo embarassing! It's just a phase - my nearly 17 year old just bops along with me now.
Anyway, the other reason I should have lost a pound is that I had my hair cut. It was last cut in February and I promised I wouldn't have it cut again until I had lost a stone. I was turning into a sheepdog and ending up wearing a hairband that made me look like a part Sloane/part Tory party candidate, just so that I could see. Buying shoes and having my hair cut are about as attractive to me as having teeth pulled.
As I had officially made it to my stone as I was 16st 2lb at the beginning of the year, I decided the time had come to take the plunge - although it seems unfair that you have to lose 14lb to lose £45. Anyway, I couldn't go to my usual lovely Trish at Saks, so settled for one of those walk-in ones. They were very busy so I had to wait 10 minutes in the chair in front of the big, well lit mirror - one of those where the lights shine from above, shadowing the bags under your eyes even more than usual - with your hair scraped back off your face. To make matters worse, in my haste to rush out of the house on Thurs morning, I had forgotton to pack my make up bag AND I'd come out in a rash from the face mask the night before. Things were not looking good. I noticed another poor victim in much the same uncomfortable state as me. A very young, pretty girl (with long bleached hair that looked as if she would be in danger if she turned her back on a sheep) looked at me with pity and completely ignored everything I said. Firstly she said a relaxing head massage was part of the deal - I lay back and felt as if Edward Scissorhands was loose on my scalp - crikey, she had talons not nails and I'm sure I've got scratch marks as evidence - relax? I was petrified! She said that if she cut more than half an inch off my layers, it would stick out and be difficult to control - there's six months growth to go out for God's sake, and it didn't stick out before. So I ended up looking like a tidy version of the sheepdog that went in and am £32 worse off for the ordeal. Looks like I'm saving up for Trish!
All in all, Leeds was a great break and a chance to spend "quality time" with the girls - I'm knackered, broke and heavier!
Off to march off a pound along the river!
E xx

Day 13 Off to Leeds

2009-08-27T08:17:00.002+01:00

15st 1lb. Stayed the same. Two weeks tomorrow and unfortunately can't weigh myself in the morning as I am going to Leeds on a 2 day break with the girls - all three of them meeting for lunch today - I am a proud mother!
However, all in all, a more stressful week than last - just alot going on and not so organised. Must be more organised. Also, as I am weighing myself daily, it seems alot slower than if I had weighed myself this morning for the first time since last Friday and had lost 2lb.
Thank God for that - you know when you're in a hurry (train to catch in this case but washing to put on line as soon as machine finishes) and, uninstructed with no reason, the computer screen starts to disappear and then tells you it is "configuring updates" - did I ask it to? No, certainly not! Did my blood pressure temporarily soar - you bet it did. It's come back down now as the genius little blog master had saved what I had written. I have however smudged my nail varnish (very rare for me but we are going metropolitan for 2 days!) while trying to clean the bathroom basin while the computer restarted - ultimate multi tasking!
Anyway, I am now in a real hurry. Calm must descend upon me ready for two days shopping (with a little culture thrown into the mix - the girls are unimpressed!). I won't check in tomorrow as we'll be back late.
Happy days!
E xx

Day 12 Grumpy, grumpy woman

2009-08-26T22:13:00.004+01:00

15st 1lb. Weight not a problem. Weather dreadful - rained all day. There are 5 of us (and the dog) in a small house and my youngest had a friend on a sleepover. I had the computer because I was working which meant they were bored. All day (and even now) there is noise. I crave peace. The house is a tip, I never stop washing (and there is no where to dry it) and to compound the problem, the dog is in full moult and the vacuum cleaner is inefficient to put it mildly.
On a positive note, despite considerable pressure, I have not succumbed to, or even been tempted by, chocolate - result!

Anyway, I'll try to cheer myself up by telling you my happy story from last week. I decided that I would chance my arm and send the first few days of my blog to the Mail on Sunday magazine to see if they thought their readers would be interested in my diary (I knew they wouldn't, but, nothing ventured, nothing gained!). Anyway, the woman who answered the phone suggested I sent it to Sarah Stacey, the Health journalist. I did and within 15 minutes, the phone rang. It was Sarah Stacey. For the next 25 minutes, I juggled poaching salmon, prepping a salad and boiling potatoes, whilst gesticulating to the children to retreat from the kitchen - all with the phone tucked under my chin. I had the most encouraging, informative and thoroughly interesting chat with her. She said that, unfortunately, my blog wasn't suitable for her page and that space is limited in the magazine. However, we chatted about diet and food generally and she directed me to a previous article she had written about her sister in law's need to lose a few pounds and recommended I look at Charles V Clark (www.charlesvclark.com), a specialist in nutrition (actually he has more qualifications than I thought it was possible to get!) and an internationally recognised specialist in diabetes. Prof Clark advises eating meat, fish, shellfish, eggs and poultry, with lots of vegetables for fibre (except potatoes and parsnips, which are almost pure sugar), salads, egg, nuts and seeds, with extra virgin olive oil, herbs and spices, and even a little butter. He explains that carbohydrates convert to sugar in the blood stream and trigger a hormone called insulin. ‘Only 15 per cent of the cholesterol in your blood comes from fatty food. 85 per cent is made in your own liver as a result of insulin.’ He also recommends a healthy dose of exercise thrown in. Sarah said she is not one to listen to faddy diets etc, but his advice was sensible, achieveable and worked. I am going to buy his book and get reading!
However, the thing about this conversation with Sarah that pleased me the most was that she said although she doesn't have a weight issue, we do "all have our fragilities" - something that touches a raw nerve - she quite rightly said that losing weight will not solve all my self esteem issues. The upshot of it was that I had a conversation that I wasn't expecting, that raised my spirits and gave me boost - what a thoroughly lovely lady!
Thank you, Sarah.
E xx

Day 11 In which I pay for yesterday

2009-08-25T22:26:00.003+01:00

15st 2lb. Hmm. I think, psychologically, I asked for that one! I was convinced that I was going to put on due to my "naughtiness" yesterday and I did.

Anyway, no such problems today. Stressful and very busy day at work - not a highly nutritious day (peach/beef sandwich/spaghetti hoops on toast/yoghurt, muesli and honey) but a low calorie one. Not exactly fulfilling my 5 a day requirement am I? No chocolate or sugar urges though so back on track.

I am so looking forward to the next few days - for the first time in weeks I am having a few days of relative calm. I am working tomorrow but only writing so at my own pace and then I am taking my two youngest daughters to Leeds for two days - shopping, cinema, a gallery (if I can persuade them). The prospect of not dashing around feeding people is so appealing. I will also make time to walk the dog.

Tomorrow I'll discuss something exciting that happened last week - it restored my faith in human nature (not that it was very dented in the first place!)

Happy weight loss!
E xx

Day 10 Whoops!

2009-08-24T23:10:00.002+01:00

15st 1lb. Fantastic, I stayed the same. Great start and one which you would think would set me up in buoyant, happy mood for the day. Not so. I was in a hurry so grabbed a piece of toast with honey for breakfast - not too bad but not sticking to my cutting down on bread. Did well at work although found myself pinching walnuts - they are of course very good for you, though not by the pound!
However, as the day went on I was taken over by the "need to graze" gremlins - whatever I ate, it didn't fit the bill. I could have eaten the kitchen table - if it had been covered in chocolate! I fought hard - I tried one square of dark chocolate that I had vaguely remembered seeing at the back of the ingredients cupboard - God knows how old but it didn't matter. I had another. Then a cup of tea in the hope that it would fill me up. It didn't. I tried concentrating on writing my book. I did at least avoid the biscuits.
Things got worse. We were having roast chicken for supper. I am trying not to fall into the trap of cooking separately for myself and the rest of the family, just adjusting what I eat with it. Now one of my favourite indulgences is a hot chicken skin sandwich - crispy, salty and dripping with butter. Mmmm. Heaven. The children don't even like chicken skin - it's criminal! I peeled it off and threw it to the surprised, delighted and certainly not complaining, dog - but not before eating some. I am really, really sorry. If roast chicken's could talk, it would have been saying, "eat me, eat me - don't waste the skin!" I had to obey. It was DELICIOUS.
Anyway, I was feeling guilty and cross with myself but I have to accept that I am not perfect - tomorrow will be better.
The scales are bound to punish. We shall see.
E xx